He is Big Enough!

Well this week has definitely stretched me beyond my means. I realize now that I have been holding onto certain ideals and expectations of God that I had no understanding of or even comprehended the magnitude of their existence. As I ponder all the scenarios that I have laid at Christ’s feet in surrenderence, I SEE there are few that I hold willingly in my grasp.

As I have grown in my faith, I understand that God is pushing me to move past certain reactions and tendencies that have been my “safety measures” against being hurt. It is when my heart is exposed to being let down that the vulnerability of my expectations crowd out all sense of judgment that I know defines a Christ follower. It is in those instances that I react as the “old” me instead of the “new” me. I then proceed to typically distance myself both emotionally and physically from the situation (which could be perceived as running). It, however, is not out of anger or frustration (at least that’s what I tell myself) that I place a water bank between the situation and myself but out of fear of continuing the negative reaction. So what is girl to do? I read His Word daily, have constant prayer, and strive to be the person God wants me to be and yet fail miserably at every attempt.

I have slowly relinquished these silent expectations to God aloud this week, I SEE that by exposing the deep issues, He is forcing me to deal with them. It is my natural desire to run when the going gets tough. Just because my loyalties and love never change in the relationship, the absence of communication shapes and distorts it in similar and destructive ways.

So I sit here looking inward and ask God to help me look at the greatest fears I have and to give me strength to push through the “what ifs”. What if my oldest feels rejected and unloved despite my very best efforts? What if those I depend on most reject the One I hold highest? What if I make a bigger mess out of every situation I enter into? What if my motives are misunderstood and I fail to show love in the way my heart was designed to? What if I lay everything on the line and it is still not good enough, will I be able to stand afterwards or will it completely destroy me?

God answers me by asking “What if? ”. What if any or all those things happen? If they do, I will be there to catch you. I will be there to embrace your suffering. I will be there to fulfill all the areas that you unknowingly look to others to fulfill and in return they will be free to supply your overflow.

Then I asked, “How can I be trusted to not react when I do so easily even against my efforts not to?” His answer to me is, “continue to move forward and if you take a step back, we will deal with that process together. Be obedient in the areas I have shown you and you will persevere through this time without truly realizing the growth you are making within.”

While I rest in His presence to help me walk and grow through this season, I look ahead and draw strength on His promises that help me endure:

SEE! The winter is past;
The rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
The season of singing has come.
–Song of Songs 2:11-12

Can We Praise God While We Are Facing a Fire?

I have recently struggled with the idea that God places obstacles in our path. I heard a woman say that she didn’t believe that God chose her to walk her particular journey but that she would choose God to go with her. While I understand her frame of mind at this point in her life, I cannot say that I 100% agree with her. I do believe that everything we walk through has to be sifted through the hands of Christ and if it isn’t going to unfold to ultimately bring glory to Him in the end, it will be banished from our journey. That is not to say He is the author of evil events, but that they have to come under His authority before they are allowed to penetrate our reality. We live in a fallen world and the consequence to that is that we encounter evil but God promises that everything will be used for good for those who love Him. There are no exceptions to that promise!

However, I have been under the assumption that God was just going to “fix” my issues if I lay them at His feet. But I forgot to take into consideration the process of Him doing so. I can literally see the parallel between maturing in my faith and the heat in the “fire” being turned up. The same fire that intensifies my isolation and demands more from me then I am capable of giving. The red-hot flames in my life that has drawn me to my knees to seek strength far beyond my own. I now realize that God is using this fire as a spiritual flashlight to illuminate some strongholds in my life that I didn’t even know where there. Although this very same fire could be put out with one Word from His breath it ultimately remains to serve a purpose. What if that purpose is to expose areas that the world deems acceptable but thankfully He sees as an obstacle needing to be torn down? What if I where to sit in the fire and ask for sight to be given instead of praying that He pull me out?

So where does that leave me in this process? Do I just accept things as they are and remain content in the situation? Perhaps six months ago as I hashed this out I would have said yes but now I say not quite. I say that I trust my God to fulfill all His promises in healing, wholeness, and deep soul satisfaction. I would say that I continue to pray victoriously in this matter as it relates to the future as well as strength to endure in the present. I would lay down all my expectations on how I see the situation unfolding and trust in His way. He is the only absolute in my life. I have had to offer up everything else as a sacrifice and believe that as I give up control, I gain peace, wisdom, and understanding where it is needed in this moment.

Diving Into the Unending Wells of His Word

I have been confronted by many ideas lately that contradict the importance of opening up God’s Word everyday. Everybody seems to have his or her own ideals of what is proper, true, or expected. It comes from either what they’ve been taught or from personal experience. I have been pushed to go to the one place that never fails to offer unchanging truth and it says that nothing can substitute the intimacy and wisdom that God freely gives when we come to Him through His living and breathing passages.

This powerful weapon not only protects, guides, and sustains us during the natural grind we all face while living on this side of eternity but it opens our heart to be connected to His presence on a level that cannot be achieved elsewhere. Prayer, fellowship, service, and faith are all important to a Christ follower’s life but without intentionally seeking His presence through His written Word, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to other sources that seek our attention. I am often reminded of the life and loss of Solomon. God shows us that one can love Him with the greatest wisdom there is to have, yet still be lured away if we allow our hearts to lead.

This aspect in no way diminishes the reality of the Holy Spirit or the participation He plays in our life. In fact, the relationship between the Father, Son, and Spirit is truly seen and understood when we surrender and mature in God’s Truth that is gained from His Word. Only then will we recognize what God is doing in our life and the ever-growing false translations that slowly sneak into our everyday interactions.

It is the pride of man that cooperates with these tiny notions that yearn to be significant on our own that start to believe we are more then we are. It is a humble heart that is aware of our unworthiness that embraces the grace that Christ’s sacrifice did to make us significant. It is through a DAILY portion of God’s Word that keeps the second idea described from overtaking the first.

Looking at the Rippling Reflection in My Waters

Today while walking I thought a lot about my child. I tried to see the world through his eyes and wondered why he is so intent on not seeing the bigger picture. He appears to be running away from the lessons I thought I poured into him. I often catch myself saying, “A little bit of honey goes along way” cause I want him to understand that not everything has to be a battle of the wills. Sometimes there is an easier way and I know that patience and love works faster then arguing and trying to manipulate the situation. Even if one is right, it is often counterproductive to be abrasive when trying to get a point across.

Then God gracefully reminded me of myself at that age (and perhaps even now at times). I was very strong headed, opinionated, and could have been considered a bit rebellious. In fact, if I saw a trend go one way, I made the choice to go the exact opposite. Do you remember the band New Kids on the Block? Well, I distinctly made the decision that I wasn’t going to like them solely cause everyone else did. I was bound and determined to be different. I will not dissect the theories behind that defense but I will say that God knew my heart even then. He knew my ability to not be sucked into the culture as my peers defined it. Even if my motive was wrong at the time, He took that rebel in me, softened it up, and gave me a passion that could be used only for Him. I still struggle with how I am perceived and question whether I can be “the light” He calls us to be, but I have proclaimed Jeremiah 17:14 and rest in His promises to transform me. That determined spirit has been handed over to the One who has shown to be worthy of my trust and obedience to His will is overtaken mine.

Now my point is, if you have someone in your life that seems to be pushing the envelope in ways that doesn’t exactly make sense to you, please don’t loose hope. They may try to act like they don’t need, appreciate, or care what you think but I assure you it is only coming from a perspective that hasn’t fully matured yet. Their understanding of their position is so narrow that it’s like they have tunnel vision. They can only see the happenings of what is going on inside their perimeter therefore making it difficult to navigate within yours. My only real recommendation is to lift them up in prayer. I have no doubt that my mother’s continued prayer for my heart is what made the difference in my life. Never second-guess that power.

Wide Open Spaces

Romans 5:20 says “The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

At first glance this scripture might be misunderstood to explain away sin because Christ freely offers grace to overcome it all. However, it should be looked at like a stepping-stone to understand that grace is offered to everyone, without reservation. There are many people who feel that they are not worthy of a personal relationship with God because of the things they have done or things they are currently doing. This scripture clearly states that no one is capable of keeping the law and in fact that was the reason it was created. It showed that we are all sinful by nature and separated from God. It is only through Jesus Christ was our debt paid and the veil which separated us torn down.

However, once we encounter God’s unyielding grace, we should be prompted to seek His glory to a greater depth. This can only happen when we intentionally dig deep into His presence and obey without hesitation. This has often been difficult for me in situations that conflict with my pride.

When hurt, misunderstood, or judged, I tend to react on emotion. Even if its God that I think I am standing up for, I feel it’s my responsibility to set the record straight. This has been increasingly clear in my more intimate relationships and I am often confused where my loyalties should stand out in such cases. But if I looked closer to the evidence of how my reaction is portrayed, I am confident that God would want me to take a more subtle approach. There are some times when we may be prompted to run from relationships that continually cause us to sin, but other times, He ask us to stay put and be weary of our own heart in relation to it. Perhaps we can grow from those particular encounters by trusting God to reveal Himself through us to them in due time. Perhaps it is not about them at all but about teaching us to push through any resentment to find forgiveness and strength in Him alone. Perhaps we’ll never know or understand the true value in continuing that relationship other then knowing that obedience to God is key to our refining process.

I have to have faith in knowing that God is bigger then my pride and that the reward, which awaits me on the other side of this obedience, is well worth the hit to it. I also acknowledge the fact that the unending power to calm the raging seas will come to my rescue to calm my raging heart when I surrender them over to Him. It is up to me to allow Him the space to fill in those gaps that resonate in my nature and it is up to Him to figure out the process to do so. I may not always see or understand the path at which He chooses but I trust Him because of my narrow perspective.

Screaming to be Heard, but Scared Someone Might Listen

I sit here at the computer with shaking hands and tear streaked checks pleading with God to choose someone else to be the martyr for this generation. The pain that accompanies such vision feels almost unbearable at times.

If I back up just a bit, I can explain where this waterfall of emotion started. I went to a class that is based on parenting issues and we were asked to describe our children in one word. WOW, was that a hard thing to do…and most people could not. Many felt the need to explain and describe in detail why they thought that word fit their offspring (especially if it was negative). But one word stuck out to me. No matter how much additional things I try to think about, it keeps creeping into my line of sight. It was the concept of “entitlement”. A woman spoke it about her older teenager’s personality and many parents in the room shook their head in agreement when she approached this subject.

Immediately, I secretly became very defensive and almost judgmental. That particular word has been used very often in my personal battles with others in my life and I feel that a misunderstanding in guaranteed when such presumptions are made. The idea is that this generation’s motivation is based on a sense that they are owed something. But I do not view them with that perspective and if there are times when that feeling erupts, then perhaps it is fully justified.

Look at the world around. Look at the varying degrees in morals they are taught. The media, billboards, sitcoms…that alone will confuse the expectations of anyone who is trying to figure out who they are. But then add the conflicting messages that we, as influential adults, add into their personal world. We say, “be honest”, yet it is typical to cheat on taxes or download a friend’s CD. We say, “be careful what you put into your mind” yet we watch things like Desperate Housewives, How I met your Mother, and Hangover. We say, “say no to drugs”, yet we pop a pill for every kind of issue and have a beer in most social outings. We say, “don’t have sex”, yet the porn industry is at an all time high (and statistically proven to be downloaded in many traditional American homes.) We say, “be kind to others” yet we fuss, fight, and argue our point until it turns into ugliness.

Yes, this generation has earned the right to distrust adults and to rebel. We are the ones that are suppose to create an environment of warmth and safety, yet we are to busy searching for the things that satisfy our heart’s desire to stop and see what they need. Yes, we give them what we think they need, but completely miss the mark when it comes to listening to what they need. I will be the first to confess that I fail in this area on a daily basis. I have a fourteen-year-old myself and although I identify with his feelings completely (because I was just like him at this age) I get frustrated when he doesn’t do what I expect of him. The hardest part for me, as a parent, is setting those boundaries that he fights against. He wants me to see him as an adult, and I want him to understand things as an adult. It doesn’t make for great communication when we try to articulate our point.

I know the consequences of “hands-off” parenting and although it seems so much easier to give in, I can’t allow myself to be tempted to do so. I also know the consequences of “bully-parenting” and the rebellion that comes from that. So where does that leave us? Is there really a middle ground? I believe so, but it starts with Christ being the head of the household. Yes, that is much easier said then done and must be a deliberate choice in our daily life.

Having Enough Faith to See the Impossible

Everywhere I turn this week, I hear the word “impossible”. It ranges from places in my casual conversation with a non-religious friend to my assignments in my Bible study. Questions deep within me have been forming about my true understanding of what impossibilities mean as they are regarded in my life.

If you look back to the days of Christ, miracles were done and people believed the impossible by seeing them preformed in front of their eyes. Today, those same miracles happen daily and they are presumed possible through the advancement of science. We hear story after story about people who should be dead but are not. There are books written, movies made, and testimonies told yet many still don’t believe.

So what needs to change? As we have morphed into a new society with great advancements and expectations we have to assume that God’s ability to make us see changes too. It is not Him who changes, for He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, but how we interact in His plan must change as we embrace the presence of new impossibilities.

We all have them in our life. Perhaps the impossible is the need of a medical cure, financial freedom, healing in a marriage, a job, or possibly forgiveness of self or another. Some of the most common needs of a miracle these days stem in the impossible act of being set free from an addiction. Whatever the case, a pure understanding of what God can and will do is needed in order to see the impossible become possible. He has a purpose in everything so what if the hardship we face is to get us to a place that we see Him in our situation?

So what does my impossible look like? It looks like cleaning out years of compulsive buying. It looks like letting go of things that numbed my emotions in the adverse effort to have some sort of control in my life. It looks likes a need to start an exercise program for the first time in my life. It looks like learning to cook for my family instead of eating ready-made meals. It looks like creating a schedule that forms practical self-boundaries to help keep me motivated when the hormones kick in each month and depression seeks to destroy all that God has brought me through.

I have felt in the past that if I could fill my every moment with appointments, errands, and a willful spirit I could outrun the need to do the work required to really move forward. I have also allowed myself to think that I am not worthy of such accomplishments because those around me doubt my ability. But in reality, aren’t those the ones that God is known to use? Doesn’t He typically choose the weak to show His strength? Doesn’t the desperate learn their need for Him much greater then those who rely on their own?

So my next question is, what is your impossible and what are you going to do about it? Are you going to see the purpose of it in your life and face it head on or are you going to accept the world’s vision of it and stop where you are? I encourage you to see...to see that we have a God that creates impossible circumstances so that we can encounter His power through witnessing the impossible become possible.

This Gift of Friendship

The idea of friendship was somewhat of an aloof concept when I was younger. Sure I had people in my life, but they were always kept at a comfortable distance away so that real intimacy could never be established. There was this unconscious fear that if they knew me, I mean really knew me, they would reject me. The Psychology field calls one who uses this defense as someone who suffers from “abandonment issues”. However, I believe we all hold back pieces of ourselves for one reason or another, but it just so happened that I didn’t really like myself so how could I really expect anyone else to.

One of the first things God pressed upon me to do when He removed my childhood shackles was to lay my guard at His feet. Of course I was not ready to do such things so I concentrated on my relationship with Him. Anytime we dig deeper in Him, faith is created and that is exactly what is needed when He pushes us to go further then we have before. “ Faith is the substance hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb 11:1). So what does that mean?

Many people don’t even know what to hope for because they are so paralyzed in their circumstance. It becomes apart of who they are and what creates their idea of balance in their life. If they were to loose grasp of that identity, they fear something far worse awaits them. So the issue of just letting go should not be an option. Grabbing onto something that is worthy of grabbing onto should be the goal. This is how it was for me. Once I truly trusted that God is Who He said He is, that I am one of the many He sacrificed His life for, and nothing could separate me from Him (except my stubborn will), I ran to Him.

This intimacy allowed me to feel what no human relationship could (even at their best) offer. It opened my heart to love, to have compassion, to care about people like I never knew was possible. Yes, this also made me vulnerable to rejection, pain, and heartache but that is what He calls us to do. That is what Jesus did for us. How can I deny that part if I am to receive all the blessings that accompany it? In return, my hope changed its substance to see things that aren’t visible to the eye. My faith was transformed in so many avenues of my life including my relationships with those I interact with.

People are not just names and faces to me. They are lives full of wisdom and experiences. They are God’s people created for a purpose. They are made up of love, passion, and pain. We were put here in this time to journey through life together. It may only be for a passing moment or it my be for a decade, but either way, God calls us to put ourselves out there so that He becomes the fingerprint that leaves the lasting impression of those we encounter. How can we not be that vessel for Him?

Is It Okay to Be Scared?

The word FAITH has a quality that automatically stands for trust, assurance, and a peaceful rest that overrides any waiver. So is it right for one to claim to be faithful if the underlining emotion is sometimes frightened?

I believe yes. The emotion of fear is not so wrong, but our reaction to it is what makes all the difference. Our natural state of being relies on what we see, feel, and touch. The world often dictates what that should be, so it is normal to be affected by that response, which inevitably makes us human. However, it is imperative that we continue moving forward from that state of mind into one that puts God into the driver’s seat.

When that shift is made, there is power that extends from knowledge to reality. In other words, a leap of faith is needed before the frightened emotions can subside. We have to believe God’s Word in order to see it come to life. In no way does that change the existence of it, just the sight at which we see it.

God is who He is. Nothing we do will change that. But if we want to live life as it was purposed, we must follow a path that demands more from us. This growth stems from encountering things that scare us. Every situation is different. Every circumstance that is allowed to come into our life is specified to draw out greater strengths then if we had not encountered it. It will be woven into a blanket of other circumstances that will ultimately bring great glory to our Father.

So how do we press on? How do we make it past the steps that feel like they have the power to crush us? How do we focus on the promises instead of the current storm, which we are placed? I know the first response for me is to acknowledge it and its value in my life. To say to Christ (and myself) “I am scared but not scared enough. I will not renounce the power this situation has to be useful in my life”.

As we move into the later stages of time, there is a greater need to not hide from the desires that dwell within. We are bombarded with issues that seek to destroy God’s chosen. We are told to “go forth and make disciples”. Where do you think these disciples will come from? Yes some are found in the churches, but many will be found in the streets. Many are caught up in addiction, pain, depression, and loneliness. Many have been hurt from the rejection of a church. Many long to find a medication that will awaken their soul, but have only found dissatisfaction as their method of escape has only made them fall deeper into their personal pit.

So what do we do? We use our fear to meet people where they are. We expose the lies that the deceiver plants, and help them to see that we, just like them, have been caught in our weakness. We show them the strength that comes from laying everything on the line and choosing God above the fear. We empower them by allowing a candid view of our vulnerable spots so they can draw courage to encounter their own.

The Courage and Clumsiness of a Passionate Heart

As I have become more aware of the generation of youth that are coming of age, I see such potential. Their exterior shows such anger, frustration, and loss but if one would stop and look a little deeper they would see loyalty, passion, and an eagerness to be seen. With the technology boom at an all time high, there is a greater risk to losing one’s self then ever before. Temptations are handed out like candy and expectations are forced on them from all angles (many times at the opposite extremes in the spectrum). What is interesting to me is that this is not a time when we question those who are struggling in this type of environment, it is the ones who navigate through with no identity crisis that have me worried.

If one can change their temperament, their ideals, and their outward exposure to fit in with the adult world as well as the “underground” world that most youth sneak into, they have figured out a way to shift from one self to another without any breakage. This generation, if given the chance to be seen and heard, will make a difference on our future as a whole. If the passion that often begins with questions somehow finds the only source that will truly satisfy its concerns, an unmistakable power will emerge. The painful part in this equation lies in the ups and downs that happen in this process. As a general rule, the passion is formulated from holes that come from a severed heart. The clumsiness of trying to find their own way and the loneliness that concludes this path creates a false barrier of protection from encountering more loss. But this illusion usually just results in falling deeper into an isolated crowd that also identifies with this confused state of mind. They are looking to belong, to be part of a group, to be understood, even if its bond is a masked sense of self.

So what would happen if an adult, a little farther along their path, with some experience, came along their side and was able to penetrate their masquerade? Would accusation be the answer? Fire and brimstone? How about intolerance? Would that change their behavior?

How about a new approach… how about a listening ear, or a compassionate heart? How about grace and unconditional love? There has to be a difference between parental boundaries and “do what I say because I say so” (which is usually contradicted by unconsciously saying “do what I say and not what I do). This is the world I feel compelled to walk into; where my scraped elbows and blood shot bruises will be used. This is hopefully where my clumsiness in the past becomes my avenue to "getting in" so that God's healing will be seen and not heard. Only He has the power to use their (and my) passion to make a difference.

Is being in love with God like being in love with anything else?

I mean once that intimacy is opened and revelations are revealed, does the consistent contentment waiver in the giver or receiver? Does the choice to listen and obey over shadow other elements or am I left to believe that my part in it has far less control then that? Am I a slave to my feelings, experiences, and tendencies, or can I choose to listen to what I know to be true and rely on the strength that I am promised in my daily readings?

While I have been constant in spending time in His presence, I am stunned by the lack of certainty that my passion offers. As I slip into moments of uncomfortable conformity, I battle with the refusal to accept such notions. I know what I know with little room for doubt, yet my thought of typical complacency will not disappear. The chaos that once led my emotions threatens to return just out of sheer frustration. I act or most likely react in mannerisms that frighten my ability to ever truly change.

My heart wants the longing it once felt because that is what kept me from misdirection. However, the calm still waters are to easily understood and represent a fear that I am sure is harder to face then the uneven terrain a valley offers. This position gives subtle acceptance of an ordinary life that somewhat questions the reality I was exposed to. It tells me that I should just settle for doing things in my best effort and good enough is really just that…good enough.

But to be completely honest, that understanding, although tempting, wages a war within my soul like no other. If I were to take hold and allow that truth to dig deep I would lose myself all together. Who am I if I denounce what has saved me? I am nothing…I am a leaf in the clouds awaiting a powerful gust of wind take me from place to place. Instead I choose to be attached to a grounded and stable tree as I blow around with such questions. So, I wait. I wait for my heart to align with my knowledge, I await supernatural proof that He is much more then so many claim, I wait for my eyes to see what they have been shown before…I wait expectantly and patiently for His love to drown out any uncertainties that I face in the present moment.

Revisiting My Commitment

A New Beginning
4-15-09

My Lord, My Savior,

I am dedicating this journey to you as a prayer of thanksgiving, a memory of where you have brought me, and as a hope to where you are taking me. I thank you for seeing in me what I cannot see in myself and ask for strength and courage as I step out on this rough water in faith.

I will honestly say that I am a bit scarred about my ability to do all that you have before me but I have complete faith and trust that you will not lead me down a path that will not end in your glory. I place all my dreams in you and lay myself at your feet. I only ask for a short time of refreshment and growth before we start. Please purify my soul and melt off any iniquities that might place barriers between my heart and yours. I humbly give myself to you and desire to follow where you guide.

I am so awe stricken right now. Why do you choose those who are weak? Did I not dishonor you or bring shame in your presence? I ask for complete forgiveness as I am a work in progress and pray that each passing day brings a change from within that allows the outside world to see your face in me. Please cover my ears to the temptation that causes me to turn away. Allow your words to rise up inside and cause an unending aftertaste of sweet refreshment as the power to resist such pits.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 explains the need for thorns and Paul was no exception, as nor I. I will embrace this trial as a promise that your strength will overpower it and I will speak of your glory in a greater magnitude then I would if you had removed it. For I know that as pain fades, so does its’ power to remember. So I praise you for your grace that rains down on me, for your acceptance that sees past my imperfections, and for loving me in a way that cannot be returned to you.

You are my breath, my heartbeat, my tears. Let me not forget this moment’s promise. I will walk through fire if that is your plan. I cry out in desperation that you don’t let go of my hand for one second because I am nothing without you.

Is Not Being Seen Worse Then Being Rejected?

Right now I have so much pain and anger boiling up inside that my words will be few for fear that I will rant and rave over issues that I clearly “feel” justified in having…



Although my heart still vents with frustration I take comfort in knowing that it doesn’t matter what harm is done in my name. It is really about my ability to forgive and even though they will never truly embrace their part in the ongoing arrows that are thrown, it is God who lives within that accepts the blunt force of the strikes. It is my cooperation in understanding that reality that gives me the power to release such control.

Does Anyone Have a White Flag I can Borrow?

Ever feel like you work hard to reach a goal, only to find that the success of it brings a somewhat disappointing climax? Well, that’s exactly how I am feeling. I am stuck in that moment and am having a hard time pressing through. I look around and see that life keeps moving forward while I remain suspended in some sort of unexplainable realm waiting for something “spectacular” to happen. I know these are just feelings and my recent graduation has closed a pretty important chapter in my life, but come on- I thought there would be some pressure release...some excitement to “get started”, some sort of unexplainable joy that strengthened me to know exactly what to do and to know how to do it…

Look, I know what is going on, at least psychologically. I know that what ever happens from this point on still commands hard work and trust in the unseen, however…I was not prepared to feel like my greatest force that stands against me is myself and that the harder I push to understand the reality of it all, the more rebellious I feel.

I guess my point in finally articulating this is admitting to myself that I…well, I need His strength more now then ever before. Please be in prayer with me that as I take steps in obedience my feelings will follow and…well, I can find rest where I at, no matter where that is…

Full Disclosure

Okay, as I sit here and stare at this computer screen my mind is absolutely swimming in its own epiphany. I have come to realize that we sometimes find wisdom only after the obedience has started. This has most definitely been this case tonight.

I watched the show Hoarding: buried alive which airs on TLC a few hours ago and I am amazed to the reality that if I had not been set free from past mindsets, that could have so been me twenty years from now. The idea of “bargain shopping” to deal with an unwanted emotion was very real in my world and allowing that emotional attachment to carry over onto my stuff was also a way of coping with some sort of illusioned control.

I started thinking back to why such a habit could have formed and all of a sudden my mind drifted back to two distinct and separate occasions. I cannot even remember which preceded the other but they both involved indulgence and my father’s attention. One was when he took me shopping for school clothes one year (which was typically my mom’s job) and he let me pick out several outfits, allowed me to try on, and bought with little regard to the price. I had his undivided attention for most of the day and remember feeling so special. The second is when my mom, dad, and I went on a vacation, Missouri, if I am recalling correctly, and again we were allowed to purchase things that were out of our norm. It’s not that I was deprived of this type of treatment, it was just that usually it was unannounced to my dad and he played little parts in entertaining such events.

So really, one, myself included, may ask "what does one have to do with the other?" Well without falling into Alice’s hole by trying to explain my entire perspective, I will say that those familiar and happy feelings were established (at least momentarily) when I could re-create "happiness" somehow. Yes, they were somewhat altered through the years when disciplines, wants, and desires were established, but overall the prospect of finding that "high" continued the behavior but the inability to sustain the satisfaction it initially gave guided this recreational activity into some sort of addiction.

This in itself is not the OMG (or “oh my goodness” for those who are not up on my modified text language) moment, but in the realization that all additions are created with that same foundation. Whether it is food, sex, money, substances, disorders, or the need for emotional triggers, they all are seeking some functionality of control. Sadly enough, in our attempt to find control, we loose any effort of attaining it.

I started realizing this issue piece by piece. My earlier entry published back in December was a real victory in that effort. In my willingness to obey God’s prompting, I chose to not buy anything for my kids during Christmas. This was extremely hard in thought but once I committed to follow through, God gave me the strength to push past any reservations until I was meet with an overwhelming sense of joy. Unfortunately I back slided a bit when I was put in charge of a silent auction, which few participated in donating to, and I took it upon myself to supply the majority of its contents. However, I found that falling back into a pit that you’ve climbed out of once, gets a whole lot easier when you recognize the symptoms and call for help early on. Anyway, in my obedience, I was able to surrender the need for control, to find real joy. Although it wasn’t always understood and often interrupted by the pains of life, I was still able to hold it in my grasp.

Now, I have come full circle and am able to see the bigger picture. What a perspective! It seems to complex, yet so simple at the same time…there are just no words to describe this feeling…

God is so good...He is just so good!

The Good Sower

Matthew 13 is such a wonderful example of how God understands human nature. I was recently pondering why it is so easy for some people to accept the realities of faith while others seem to struggle a bit, and them some just denounce it all together. In His sovereignty, He led me to this scripture.

The parable explains that there are four types of soil being sowed. There are the seeds that are scattered along the path, which becomes vulnerable to the birds dining on them (verse 4). Then there are the seeds that fall on rocky places where little soil is able to penetrate and consequently they spring up quickly yet wither away because they don’t have deep roots to protect them (verses 5-6). Then there are the seeds that fall among the thorns that grow but are chocked by the plants around and unable to produce fruit(verse 7). And finally there is the seed that fall on “good soil” which always produce a crop (verse 8).

But in applying it to our life, what did Jesus mean? Well, a few verses later, He laid it out in laymen’s terms (which I personally love when He does that. He says in verse 19, that those who hear and deny God’s truth has been vulnerable to satan’s lies and it is unable to take root in their heart. And in verse 20 He says that those seeds that fell on rocky places represent the man who hears and accepts God’s Word with joy yet does not follow through in seeking a deeper understanding which causes them to fall away when trouble threatens their reality. Then in verse 22, there is the man who received the seed that fell on thorns which represents the man who has a heart for God yet has been overtaken by the worries of life or chocked by the deceitfulness this world promises (both producing less fruitful Christian crops). Then finally there is the man who hears the word, understands, and obeys. “He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown”- vs. 23 because it is not bound by the limitations of the man. It is working on God’s strength because they have accepted and put into practice what they have learned.
As I sat and pondered what this meant, I felt the urge to look up some notes in my other Bible and very matter-of-factly it stated, “People respond differently because they are in different states of readiness. Some are hardened, others are shallow, others are contaminated by distracting worries, and some are receptive.” (NIV Life Application Bible)

This understanding made all the difference…just because a person is in a “state” at this moment doesn’t mean that they have to remain there forever. Many factors contribute to their readiness and although it is a choice on their part to take the leap of faith or not, it is also our responsibility as fellow Christians to softly throw another seed their direction. Then it is up to God to where the seed will land and to the methods at which it sprouts.

Break Down This Wall

My Father,

As I am in the mist of chaos I seem to be consumed with dull absence of that “on fire” confidence. I see you everywhere I turn. I am hunted by the days that my body shook from your overwhelming presence within and I find myself expressing emotional tears for no apparent reason. I was able to abandon all my present insecurities last night as I wholeheartedly raised my hands in worship at the concert but today I awakened with the fears that have dictated my last few weeks.

What has happened? Why the change? I am carrying on my same interactions with you of prayer, reading Your Word, and speaking forth Your Name by expressing my gratitude for freeing me from the bonds that held me for so many years…but something is missing. I am easily aggravated, hurt, and somewhat judgmental to those closes to me.

I find myself at a new crossroad that seems somewhat familiar. I know I haven’t been here before but I feel as if I already know the path to take. How can that be when I am struggling to understand the meaning of the crossroad?

Last week I found myself in a situation that I am still trying to wrap my mind around as a beautiful soul within my circle wrestled aloud her struggles in believing whether You are real or not. I am not sure I help and am almost convinced that I worsened the conversation by speaking out when perhaps silence may have been better suited. Another loving women asked foundational questions which seemed to focus on the issue at hand and not where I drew the conversation. Although I have this nagging impression that You prompted my words, I am second guessing whether I am ready to be put in such situations when I so apparently am struggling with obediences of my own.

You know my heart. You know my only desire in to draw others closer to You, not further. Please give me guidance. Please ease my wondering spirit. Please help me encourage those who have shown such love and patience towards me these past few years and are now hurting. Forgive me for any hindrances I have unknowingly caused and show me where to go to find what I long for.

I give all of myself to You. Please help me surrender those parts which I cannot let go of…

Forever your redeemed Bride,

a.

"What You Talkin Bout Willis?"

Okay, I just did the craziest thing. Well, for me, crazy may not even begin to describe it because my natural tendencies would have been to laugh at such a concept, but my dependence on growth relies directly on my obedience to follow His footsteps ahead and I am quite confident they have lead me here. So no matter what happens from this second forward, I trust that I am here for a reason.

As some may already know, I wore the scarlet letter of disgrace as long as I can remember. This was often an unintentional excuse to remain tucked away in my isolation, which protected me from outside rejection and judgment only to find myself wrestling deeper insecurities that remained hidden within my own heart. As I struggled to be the best I could, I failed in every effort except in realizing that I was a child of God. Although I never felt worthy of His love, much less His purpose, I never questioned whether I was saved or not. God’s compassionate grace entered my heart at the young age of four and I have embraced the fact that He did so to sustain some sanity for years that lied ahead. My self-destructiveness would have crumbled under the strain of my pain if it were not for God’s quiet whispers of love that continued to redirect my wondering soul.

My journey has been one that I am oh so thankful for. I would never wish upon anyone the heartbreak that follows such a path, but I know it happens each and everyday. Pain and sorrow plagues our surroundings so often that it leaves a wake of questions that seem most unanswerable; but my hope is that you will see the truth that He freely offers and the side effect of obediently surrendering all that you are, including those places you wish to hide, to be used for His glory.

Loving Him and receiving His love in return is something I would have claimed came easily, but as these last few years have unfolded, I now understand that you can’t give what you don’t have and you can’t have what you don’t accept. I do not speak of salvation but sanctification. Sitting on this side of the surrenderence equation, I not only see the difference, but I know without a shadow of doubt that being with Him nowhere is better then being without Him anywhere and to my surprise, that nowhere is far better then my dreams could have imagined.

So without further ado, I entered myself a contest posted on Lysa TerKeurst’s web page at http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html where three winners get a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference. This could be a weekend filled with opportunities to strengthen my understanding of the gifts God has given me to something more then I can embrace on my own. Whether my ministry plays out in my own backyard or a grander facility, I am handing over all my inhibitions to see the power that promises to glorify my Father. He has intimately pulled me from the depths of my own pit to allow me the honor to be apart of His plan and even if that scares the bajeebers out of me, how can I say anything but YES, oh yes?

***if interested in information regarding the She Speaks conference, click:
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/

Holding the Hand that Holds the Universe

“Holding hands may seem an insignificant ‘secret’, but don’t underestimate the power of such a simple, profoundly intimate act. When you take your spouses’ hand you’re communicating, “I’m with you. We’re in this together. I want to be here.” It’s a simple practice in safeguarding your marriage as well, as you’re communicating to the rest of the world, “I’m with him.” (Don’t even try, suckers!)” -Excerpted from The Sexually Confident Wife blog, written by Shannon’s Events Manager, Terrica Smith

This particular passage got me thinking about the same intentional need to be aware of our individual relationship with Christ. Many people stroll through life with the well-intended understanding that they were created for God’s purpose and they offer up what they are when serve Him. But may I press upon you the need for relational intimacy with the Creator. Just as we can physically hold our partner’s hand, we can spiritually hold our Savior’s. He not only gives wisdom and strength to those who believe in Him, but He has the ability to submerge every part of soul into His presence when there is a consistent interaction with Him throughout our day.

It is not really about the “service” we partake in that matters because God is God, and He will accomplish His will with or without us. It is about the process that inspires utter devotion, which allows our desires to align with His. This is not created when we cry out during a storm, but in the quiet and calm moments when we choose to sacrifice that which we inadvertently place above Him. This action is what prompts our willingness to follow Him down what looks to be an impossible path. Whether we are blessed in our obedience or redirected when we are not, God’s plan prompts an open-heart to focus on Him and not the surrounding and ever changing circumstance.

We are powerless to sustain true devotion if our connection to Christ relies on our ability to be useful because it may be in our suffering that He chooses to use us. The perspective of acknowledging who God is must be founded in knowing that God is good ALL the time no matter what! Too many people fall away when they encounter that reality, which suggest that they let go of His hand and grabbed onto what their flesh felt. Whether it is desire or pain that entices such a response, the best defense is to grant God the position to fight the battle for you; for He has already won the battle against such temptation when He walked this earth.

Quickening My Pace

Have you ever wondered why we sometimes feel like a failure when it comes to living a spirit-filled life? Have you ever jumped head first into a downward spiral of feeling completely useless after a particular experience? If so, you are fighting an unnecessary battle that God isn’t apart of. This feeling may come from our need to want to please God and when we fall short of that we allow ourselves to feel condemnation or shame. If this process is felt over and over it has the ability to set our mind on what we think instead of truth, which causes our heart to reject the love that God offers. In order to move forward from any type of failure, whether past or present, we must surrender it all to God. Especially those dark places we wish to hide from Him. Remember, only light can expose darkness for what it really is and the fear of being exposed is usually much greater then it really is in reality.

I often question whether I misinterpret some of my callings from God and therefore stand still instead of obeying. I finally realized that I tell myself that I do this not because I am scarred that He will fail me, but because I am worried that I might fail Him. I would literally say “Well, Lord…are you sure you got the right girl? Now remember all those times I messed up…don’t you want to go with someone who has a better track record?” not fully seeing my own disbelief in His ability to do the impossible. I mean, if in fact He knows the past, present, and future, how can I question what He can accomplish and whom He accomplishes it through?
For a moment, I felt this pressure to feel unworthy again. He has patiently walked hand and hand with me through so much this year; the thought of having unbelief in my heart again almost overwhelmed me. But I suddenly stopped and asked God to give me what I needed to see Him and His truth. It wasn’t instant, but the self-loathing lifted and I was able to see the intention of such negative thoughts. This in itself wasn’t such a new experience because I have seen and felt God’s unexpected peace many times before, but being able recognize the destructiveness early on was a relief. I decided right then and there that just because I have a thought doesn’t mean that I have the right to entertain it. We cause great harm to ourselves and our God-given purpose to serve when we let our insecurity dictate the speed of our steps.

As I understand the reasoning in walking this particular path, which mandates me moving forward only when I step out in faith, I pray for strength to have joy in the mist of waiting for your promise to come into completion. I also ask that you keep me from making any compromises along the way for nothing is worth the risk of missing your intended plan for me, not even one that is parallel.

Forgiveness is like eating…it takes just the right balance to keep us healthy.

When we are hurt, we tend to store up the negatives until they reach a point of irruption. One, me in particular, usually releases them when it really has very little to do with what they are upset about. But non-the less, the fury is felt, and there is clean up to be done. The situation is seen as their fault because they handled the explosion so poorly. So nothing is solved and nothing changes. The cycle continues and the hurtful feelings mound up.

So where do you go from here? Unless one is willing to let the secrets and trash talk lie by swallowing their pride long enough to say there were perhaps wrong, when inside they feel that is only partly true, things remain the same. Can we really forgive when the other party denies their part? Instinctually I would yes because that is what I would presume to be the right answer but my heart reacts differently. It seems easier to march on and keep those hurts bottled up inside then to let them go. But I recently heard someone say “ you can endure much when you realize how much grace you have been given”.

As I have pondered over the application of that thought these past few days I see the value in such a statement. But how do you make that a reality when feelings tend to override the truth? How do you remain in the relationship when these miscommunications still happen? Someone close to me said that people are who they are and we have no persuasion in changing them. I heard Joyce Meyer say that we have to choose to not be offended; that it is less about them and more about us.

So if I take what I know to be truth from the Bible and add it to the information given by the respected speakers who have talked on this matter, then I will get a plate that is rich in love and forgiveness. But in order for the nutrients to satisfy, I have to push away the fried and fatty feelings of self-righteousness and the need to be heard, right? It must be an intentional response that is required daily for me to see the change in my own behavior and response. However, just as any new discipline is created, there will be a need for determination because such change is never easy. Our mind, just like our body, falls back into what feels comfortable. And if we haven’t worked that particular muscle in a while it is out of shape and weak.

So to all those who feel that they need a little encouragement I would like to remind you of David’s words in Psalms:

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. –Psalm139: 13-14 (The Message)

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:24 (New International Version)

Finish what you started in me, GOD.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now. (138:8b- The Message)

Andria’s Top 10 List…

of things I sometimes take for granted and want to recognize and give thanks for NOW.

10) Two working (and paid off) cars

9) Our dog, who protects our family (she’s a Great Pyrenees)

8) A great pediatrician (who gave me his pager number)

7) An honorable school district

6) Beautiful sunsets

5) A best friend who “gets me” (which I fully admit is hard to do)

4) Parents who love me unconditionally (even when they don’t get me)

3) A terrific church home

2) My children’s good overall health (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)

and 1) My husband (who moves beyond a friend, supporter, lover, and confidant into something that my vocabulary cannot explain) I often forget to say thank you for the things you do. Your affection and help have spoiled me and I want you to know that my world truly does revolve around you. You are my better half and I could not have chosen a more perfect mate (for me) if I had searched the entire globe.

So to all these things…I want to give God praises for providing far more then I imagined. I am but one soul that He sees and provides for. I am humbled and honored for the gifts He gives and feel blessed to an over flow.

To Fear Is To Live

The Bible is flowing with scripture that tells us that we should fear the Lord. There is Deut. 6:13: Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. (NIV), 1 Samuel 12: 24 But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (NIV), 2 Chronicles 19:7 Now let the fear of the LORD be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the LORD our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery. (NIV), Luke 12:5 But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. (NIV), Revelation 14:7 He said in a loud voice, "Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water." (NIV) This particular word is written approximately 400 times and additional references made through others. So what does it mean exactly? I have had ideals of this word to only mean: reverence, and awe towards God, but upon farther investigation in The Word and through the Holy Spirit I am understanding it to mean: a sense of impending danger, to be alarmed in such a way to cause a changed course.

In our society today, many rely on the compassionate side of God. They say and do things they know are wrong because they have been taught that we have a kind and forgiving God. And yes that is true, but only to an extent. He is also a just and Holy God and requires that we live a righteous and pure life. In our “outer living” that can only be done part of the time because our actions are intertwined with other people and we are sinful by nature. Therefore it is impossible to remain righteous in action 100%. However, our hearts are to remain pure and focused on God at all times so that the power we pull from comes from the interaction with God and our daily relationship in Him. This will allow us to hear The Spirit more clear when trouble arises and will pull us back when we start to fall. This cannot happen if a life is continually seeking self-motives and ignoring the truths that God has given.

Another term that has recently caught my eye is “hardened hearts”. We see the idea appear in Geneses 4 from Cain after he realized that God wasn’t happy with his offering and in Exodus 17 when the Israelites’ unbelief demanded more. Then there are the disciples that questioned Jesus in Mark 6:52 and again in Mark 8:17. The connections between these two ideas are simple. When we fear the Lord, we rely on the promise that we will not let our hearts harden. He promises to give strength to the weak and protect those who keep His Word. But our part in the process is to believe that we must have complete and total faith in the wrath part of Him as well. He will let our heart be overtaken by our desires if we trust in them more then in Him. The fear is our insurance policy that when sin comes knocking at our door, He will not allow our hearts to become hardened because we are more frightened of the disconnect and the consequences that will come soon after.

God has allowed each of us another day today, which is the perfect opportunity to turn from whatever is coming between a fulfilled life and us. He gave some of His children in scripture the “warning bells” needed to return and seek where they had drifted. Some chose to listen and others allowed the hardened process to continue until they reached their demise. I ask…where are you in this process? Are you tucked safely under His wing or are you drifting in the wind? It is not to late to return now but who knows if you will have another tomorrow. Each will be judge accordingly on their judgment day and all we know for sure is that it is drawing nearer each second we let pass by.

Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 (NIV)

It Is Impossible To Not Wake A Sleeping Bear

I am not sure how ready I am to discuss this subject but I believe God is impressing on me the relevance it could potentially have on other women so please bare with me if I fumble through this a bit…

I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.

I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.

If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.

Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.