A White Christmas…and I’m Not Talking About The Snow

With all the overwhelming inner changes that have been happening in my life it was impossible to enter into this holiday season just like any other. So my husband and I made the decision to go gift free. That means no gifts from mom and dad and no gifts from “Santa”. We have made slight changes to our routine in the past (like having the eager Hallmark morning scene the day after) but never have we cut gifts out all together. It has been quite an adventure, to say the least, to explain to a four year old the true meaning of Christmas but her heart is so full of truth that I had faith that God would calm the confusion where my words left gaps. I did however worry if my children would feel a little disappointed because I openly admit that I usually go a tad bit overboard when it comes to buying for them. I think somewhere deep inside I felt loved by giving and receiving and even though I would not claim that as my true Love Language (for those who have read Gary Chapman’s book) I had adopted it through years of experience.

It started with a perfect day at home yesterday while we finished watching a trilogy on DVD. Then I ventured out to church for a couple of services while my family stayed at home because my youngest wasn’t feeling her best. Before I knew it, it was almost 8 o’clock and I was making the journey back from Keller to Haslet. (Even though it was a drive I will never forget, I am going to savor that experience between God and I.) As soon as I returned home, my husband left to rescue my mom from a completely different experience while driving on the ice and an hour and a half later, they safely walked through the door. We then ate all the snacks we could get our hands on, played a ridiculously long game of Wha Who, and topped off our evening with the Christmas Story. As I panned the room and saw my children’s eyes glean in the firelight, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed. As the time read 4am, I remembered those late nights I spent wrapping every Christmas Eve in anticipation of their faces as they opened those gifts. It was in that exact instant that I saw a sweeter, softer glow that we were all together; doing something that truly was priceless, and my joy overwhelmed me. As the next morning came, well really early afternoon, we woke them up with a birthday cake for Jesus and hot chocolate for breakfast.

I am so proud of my family. My children, my husband, our closest friends, and my parents all played specific parts in allowing our Christmas to fully be centered on its true meaning. And when I look back to this time, I will cherish every second of it. Even though I am feeling physically under the weather, I am flying pretty high above it spiritually. I realize that everything I have is a gift from the one who sacrificed it all. Everyday I am becoming more and more aware of the treasures I have and so often took for granted. This season I got to witness the best part of my children. Life is hard and is often unfair, but when God’s gifts are recognized, anything is possible.

Sightings of the Rainbow

If this is what growth feels like, then I am in. I can say that I am being taken places that I could not have even imagined. I have held so much inside for so long that I completely lost myself. In hopes of not coming across harsh and needy, I apparently did the exact opposite. For fear of being misjudged or rejected I never let my true feelings known. Oddly enough, I messed up in the recent debut of letting them out, but they are out non-the-less. I feel cleansed for the first time ever. It was almost as if those feeling were toxins that charged the way to every other emotion I had and then exploded over issues that were not even related to the source of my pain. But now, I can feel the difference. I have let known the issues that have haunted and defined me so I can now truly forgive and move forward. I do however feel extremely guilty about the learning curve that took place in expressing them but hope that someday those involved will understand.

I would recommend not waiting twenty years to say what needs to be said because as the resentment and cover-up continues, so does the alteration in the relationship. And then when the delivery is forced and done incorrectly, hurt feelings all around are created. The clean up at this point seems impossible but I have faith that it can be rebuilt when the time is right. So to those who know what I am talking about, I say “thank you” and “I am sorry”. I realize we all do the best we can do but my journey is pushing me to move beyond my best into areas that require more. My love and acceptance for you is unconditional, I pray that yours is the same for me.

In the Eye of the Storm

What does spiritual transformation look like? I believe it looks different depending on the person. This may be because there are different things that need to take place in each person’s life before they are equipped to carry out their intended purpose. The real question is how will those within that person’s life react to the transformation? This for me has been the hardest part. Those who should love with unconditional amounts are left not understanding and therefore in position to interpret this change as they always have. When they look to this change with the perception that you are as you have been in the past, they are left reacting instead of actually seeing. They completely miss the realities of what is actually being said to hear things that is twisted into another meaning all together.

As this has been my life for a month now, I need to give praise where it is due. God has supplied me with such strength where my typical weakness would have immerged. I am a person who would have fought to the death to get my point across. But God is teaching me that sometimes it is best to stay authentic when asked and quiet when judged. It really wouldn’t matter what words came from my mouth unless they were the ones that the other person wanted to hear. But in that cycle of trying to be who they wanted me to be, I would internalize my position, which devastated any hope of change.

So in the mists of misinterpretation and utter untruths being said about my name I thank God for taking me into His word to find peace. I thank those who do know me and stand by me.

As I have recently told a friend, “I don’t know where He is taking us but I have to admit that I am a bit shocked by the route we are taking to get there. I do however, have complete faith in our Guide”. So I will rest in that and pray continuously for those around me to see the truth.

My Psalms 27

I am so tired. I seek rest. I crave calmness and peace. I want my heart to feel as I have before. Please hold me in your grace. I need more, more of you.

I want my head to understand what I know to be true. To be the one who you’ve created me to be but I feel so alone. I need more, more of you.

I see the waves starting to whirl. I want to be strong and withstand the force but I just can’t do it. I need more, more of you.

I can’t hear your voice or feel your touch but I see your presence all around me. I know you are with me but tonight I need more, more of you.

I will wait for thee and praise with songs of joy, for I know your promises of more, more of you.