A White Christmas…and I’m Not Talking About The Snow

With all the overwhelming inner changes that have been happening in my life it was impossible to enter into this holiday season just like any other. So my husband and I made the decision to go gift free. That means no gifts from mom and dad and no gifts from “Santa”. We have made slight changes to our routine in the past (like having the eager Hallmark morning scene the day after) but never have we cut gifts out all together. It has been quite an adventure, to say the least, to explain to a four year old the true meaning of Christmas but her heart is so full of truth that I had faith that God would calm the confusion where my words left gaps. I did however worry if my children would feel a little disappointed because I openly admit that I usually go a tad bit overboard when it comes to buying for them. I think somewhere deep inside I felt loved by giving and receiving and even though I would not claim that as my true Love Language (for those who have read Gary Chapman’s book) I had adopted it through years of experience.

It started with a perfect day at home yesterday while we finished watching a trilogy on DVD. Then I ventured out to church for a couple of services while my family stayed at home because my youngest wasn’t feeling her best. Before I knew it, it was almost 8 o’clock and I was making the journey back from Keller to Haslet. (Even though it was a drive I will never forget, I am going to savor that experience between God and I.) As soon as I returned home, my husband left to rescue my mom from a completely different experience while driving on the ice and an hour and a half later, they safely walked through the door. We then ate all the snacks we could get our hands on, played a ridiculously long game of Wha Who, and topped off our evening with the Christmas Story. As I panned the room and saw my children’s eyes glean in the firelight, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed. As the time read 4am, I remembered those late nights I spent wrapping every Christmas Eve in anticipation of their faces as they opened those gifts. It was in that exact instant that I saw a sweeter, softer glow that we were all together; doing something that truly was priceless, and my joy overwhelmed me. As the next morning came, well really early afternoon, we woke them up with a birthday cake for Jesus and hot chocolate for breakfast.

I am so proud of my family. My children, my husband, our closest friends, and my parents all played specific parts in allowing our Christmas to fully be centered on its true meaning. And when I look back to this time, I will cherish every second of it. Even though I am feeling physically under the weather, I am flying pretty high above it spiritually. I realize that everything I have is a gift from the one who sacrificed it all. Everyday I am becoming more and more aware of the treasures I have and so often took for granted. This season I got to witness the best part of my children. Life is hard and is often unfair, but when God’s gifts are recognized, anything is possible.

Sightings of the Rainbow

If this is what growth feels like, then I am in. I can say that I am being taken places that I could not have even imagined. I have held so much inside for so long that I completely lost myself. In hopes of not coming across harsh and needy, I apparently did the exact opposite. For fear of being misjudged or rejected I never let my true feelings known. Oddly enough, I messed up in the recent debut of letting them out, but they are out non-the-less. I feel cleansed for the first time ever. It was almost as if those feeling were toxins that charged the way to every other emotion I had and then exploded over issues that were not even related to the source of my pain. But now, I can feel the difference. I have let known the issues that have haunted and defined me so I can now truly forgive and move forward. I do however feel extremely guilty about the learning curve that took place in expressing them but hope that someday those involved will understand.

I would recommend not waiting twenty years to say what needs to be said because as the resentment and cover-up continues, so does the alteration in the relationship. And then when the delivery is forced and done incorrectly, hurt feelings all around are created. The clean up at this point seems impossible but I have faith that it can be rebuilt when the time is right. So to those who know what I am talking about, I say “thank you” and “I am sorry”. I realize we all do the best we can do but my journey is pushing me to move beyond my best into areas that require more. My love and acceptance for you is unconditional, I pray that yours is the same for me.

In the Eye of the Storm

What does spiritual transformation look like? I believe it looks different depending on the person. This may be because there are different things that need to take place in each person’s life before they are equipped to carry out their intended purpose. The real question is how will those within that person’s life react to the transformation? This for me has been the hardest part. Those who should love with unconditional amounts are left not understanding and therefore in position to interpret this change as they always have. When they look to this change with the perception that you are as you have been in the past, they are left reacting instead of actually seeing. They completely miss the realities of what is actually being said to hear things that is twisted into another meaning all together.

As this has been my life for a month now, I need to give praise where it is due. God has supplied me with such strength where my typical weakness would have immerged. I am a person who would have fought to the death to get my point across. But God is teaching me that sometimes it is best to stay authentic when asked and quiet when judged. It really wouldn’t matter what words came from my mouth unless they were the ones that the other person wanted to hear. But in that cycle of trying to be who they wanted me to be, I would internalize my position, which devastated any hope of change.

So in the mists of misinterpretation and utter untruths being said about my name I thank God for taking me into His word to find peace. I thank those who do know me and stand by me.

As I have recently told a friend, “I don’t know where He is taking us but I have to admit that I am a bit shocked by the route we are taking to get there. I do however, have complete faith in our Guide”. So I will rest in that and pray continuously for those around me to see the truth.

My Psalms 27

I am so tired. I seek rest. I crave calmness and peace. I want my heart to feel as I have before. Please hold me in your grace. I need more, more of you.

I want my head to understand what I know to be true. To be the one who you’ve created me to be but I feel so alone. I need more, more of you.

I see the waves starting to whirl. I want to be strong and withstand the force but I just can’t do it. I need more, more of you.

I can’t hear your voice or feel your touch but I see your presence all around me. I know you are with me but tonight I need more, more of you.

I will wait for thee and praise with songs of joy, for I know your promises of more, more of you.

16 Inches Lighter

Wow, I will never get tired on bragging on God. He is wonderful. This week has been one that could have left me devastated a year ago but instead has allowed me to feel as liberated as one can. I will start by saying that I just got a major haircut. This is no small task to someone who was once told that it was her hair that bumped her up a notch from just being “average” to a little above. Most of my life’s compliments were about my hair and those words of affirmation gave me a secure feeling that I was being seen at times when I usually felt alone. However, last Friday I got the distinct impression that God was asking me to make a drastic change. For the first time ever, the thought was not that overwhelming. So to make a long story short…I’ll jump ahead and say Saturday I did it. Just 24 hours later I took a step. I did not research where or how, I just prayed for guidance and went to a nearby place that I didn’t even know existed prior to pulling into the parking lot. No appointment, no wait, and fifteen dollars later walked out a different person. It is so hard to describe. There was no shock or oddness about it, only a weight lifted that I had obeyed. I cannot say with 100% accuracy that my hair looks better shorter, but I can say for certain that I feel more beautiful then I ever have before. My hope is that people look through my physical appearance and see Christ changing me from the inside out. Even something as “insignificant” as hair had the ability to hold me back because I wasn’t willing to let go but once I realized that there is nothing I want to keep from Him, it was an easy decision. God looks past what we see to heal the underlying issue behind it. He cares about all aspects in our life and wants to be involved in all of them…even hair.

I guess where all this is going is that even in the leaps and bounds I have made over this year I know God is pushing me to do and be more. He has removed me from the protective shield of His wing and said, “Okay, now lets see how you walk”. I truly am starting to see what the Bible means when it asks us to transition from infants to mature Christians. It is less about what we believe and more about living out that belief.

Perceptions…

Someone I love greatly recently put my faith into question by saying that I hide behind God and expect Him to care for me when it is my responsibility to care for myself. I, in no way felt that I needed to justify who I am in a counter attack but do feel a bit heartbroken that I was being completely misjudged. Then this week for my discussion question in class I was asked, “How do our perceptions of the world differ from the actual physical world? In other words, are our perceptions of people, places, things...accurate?” This is asked from a Biological point of view based in the world of Psychology but I have spent today reflecting on what it means to me in light of this week. Here for the first time I am posting my actual reply that I recoreded and am feeling okay with the fact that I may perhaps often be misunderstood when the foundational truth is measured against what is seen and not what is accepted in faith.

The accuracy of our perception is only as good as the foundation of truth that we measure it up against. If we approach this topic from the “perception” of what we see, then the basis of our understanding is limited to the physical aspects of this world. This basically means that the angle of our position primarily dictates how we relate within the perimeter of that understanding. For example, if four people witness a car wreak and two drivers were involved, you will probably end up with six different stories depending on their perception of the events. Does this make one more accurate then another…possibly, but probably not. Unless the individual’s vision is skewed based on personal experience or biased opinions, then their recognition of the truth is based on their acceptance of what they saw, heard, and felt, first hand. Unfortunately, as human beings we also bring in our past emotions and experiences that may or may not cloud our judgment. This is what often overrides our vision to compromise using the term “accurate” when compared to another’s understanding of the same incident.

It is exactly in this concept that I have to disregard my idea of what is seen or heard and look to the one who created me to find a truth that is immovable when measured up against it all. This spiritual world concept is invited into the physical so that the accuracy cannot be changed based on its validation of those who reside here. Whether or not one believes its validity has no bearing on its truth. It cannot be compromised or corrupted, only misjudged by the one who accepts or rejects it, which means very little when compared to the source.

So, in a nutshell, can I trust my perception? My answer: ONLY when I seek the direction of my God and follow that path without regard to the consequence. The moment I change my focus from Him and place it elsewhere is the moment I need to question my motive. Think about Peter when he cried out to Jesus in the mist of the storm. This world’s truth tells us that men cannot walk on water but Peter wanted to show Jesus His devotion by stepping out in faith. However, the moment his motivation turned and he focused on his fear instead of the one who could make his impossible travel a reality, he begin to sink.
What do you measure your truth up against?

Psalms 51

This particular Psalm is very dear to my heart because it encompasses a beautiful portrait of God’s grace. David often messed up yet God still described him as a man that had a heart for Him. This is how I see myself at my best. I am acutely aware that I mess up. I unknowingly hurt people and sometimes react in fear instead of truth. But my greatest desire is to follow the path that God intended at the time of my creation. I believe one of my acknowledgements in who I am in Christ is to obediently live out verse 15.

Let me first start out by saying that I have had some reoccurring health issues that have controlled and defined who I was. I am not exactly sure whether the physical or emotional aspect came first but I am pretty certain that one led to another at a very young age. As a women, I was given lots of worldly advise, cures, and excuses to why I had them but none seemed to satisfy the cost it demanded on my life so I have just learned to take each day as they come. The past year, God has really showed me what it means to live in His wholeness and the kind of peace that comes from such obedience. My prayer has often been to show me the way, yet the light I need to follow seems dim at times. It may be because the closer I get to Him, the harder it is to determine what my will is and what is His since my desires are beginning to look much more like His. This uncertainty in myself causes me to walk slow enough to receive some sort of conformation before stepping out.

So finally, after months and months of looking into private insurance, I picked one (which was no small task) and made a doctor’s apt. This recommendation was given to me and I just move forward in what I had heard. The appointment was two months away from the time I made it, but as the final days approached, I couldn’t ignore the unsettling feelings I was having in my spirit. Then last Friday, I knew God was asking me if I had prayed about it and if I would of, I would have known that wasn’t where He wanted me to be so I cancelled it. I remember telling my husband, not knowing his response to my honest answer to why, that it was just something I knew I had to do. I went to MOPS today and wrote out a prayer request (for the first time) to ask for guidance on the doctor God wanted me to see. To my great surprise, an hour later, the guest speaker was a doctor that attended our church. My issues seem unrelated to his specialty but I really felt the pushing desire that it was all relative. Then when he finished his talk, he said that he was currently doing a fun raiser that included an office visit and test for a small donation. I knew without a doubt that he was there in relation to my prayer request. Whether it is in this doctor or possibly the recommendation of another, I will find my answer. I am confident that in my obedience to cancel my original appointment, seeking God on this matter, and trusting Him to provide, I will find healing.

So in the understanding that accompanied these events, I am declaring praise on the Father who hears my cry. I am singing songs of joy, not in lieu of the circumstance, but because He speaks to me and blesses my intention and overlooks my past action. I am thanking Him for giving me a heart to long for such intimacy with Him that it strengthens me to turn around even in the mist of my own pride. Those that know me may not be shocked of the existence of pain and insecurity but may not be aware of the grace and joy I also acquired because of it. So as I have given all of myself to Him to use as He chooses, I feel that the light will shine on my story somehow and I have complete faith that God will receive honor and glory in my declaration. I will keep you updated on the progress…

My Next Step

Well what can I say? I have been a bit stuck. It is strange to me that satan can manipulate me to fear even the possibility of being disobedient when He knows that my greatest desire is to only walk where God leads. It is much easier to write when I know that the only people who have the ability to access it know me and where my writing comes from. But once I begin to share, I allowed insecurity to creep in and the prospect of being vulnerable to those who may read it seemed small compared to the fear that was born from the anticipation of those who may not.
So once again, I am pulling up my anchor and handing it God. Last night I realized that even if I am not 100% sure what God is asking of me, I have been prompted to write. I also know that God sees my heart and the intention to be obedient at all cost so I am confident that He will bless the situation even if I am unaware of it. So, for those few that have seen my written words, please know they are not just thoughts that come into my head that I want validated on a page, but a learned lesson, that perhaps I need to be reminded of as I prayerfully listen to the Spirit.

A new understanding

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone? If you haven’t, you are one of the few. I have spent the last five weeks watching people layout their emotions for psychology students to study. There was everything from manic depression and sexual dysfunction to ADHD and Alzheimer’s (not to mention the 100’s in between). The common thread that I noted case after case was loneliness. Their feelings were not just a sense of solitude, but a lack of true connection. I think this description is something that we all feel from time to time. Even if a loving and accepting pool of family and friends surrounds us, there are probably moments of isolation. If we were created to have an innate desire to be apart of something, wouldn’t it be logical to feel unsatisfied if we, on an individual level, didn’t seek our designer to find our intended purpose.

I recently watched the Louie Giglio DVDs called Indescribable. I have to say that my initial reaction was one of awe, but strangely cradled in feelings of insignificance. I mean He had never felt so far away. Even in my times of disobedience or depression, I knew He was in close proximity even if I felt unworthy to call out His name. This new feeling was something altogether different. He felt distant and aloof. My knowledge of Him told me that I was wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel a little gullible for always seeing, complaining, praising, and living in “my moment”. My life revolved around my situation and those within my circle. So I did what I usually do after a few days of “distance”…I hashed it out with Him personally. It started out with a couple of questions, which ultimately ended in more questions. But as I remained steady in His word and had an open dialogue with my accountability partner, I realized that for the first time ever, I was sitting in the only place that would satisfy that longing which I didn’t really understand. I knew that this “something” was bigger then my family, my neighborhood, my children’s PTA, and even my church. I was apart of God’s divine plan as it relates to eternity AND SO ARE YOU. I had heard those very same words before…but now I owned them.

We do not exist for the sake of existing. For God to be holy and just, He must pour out judgment when He returns. However, the maker became the sacrifice needed to redeem the stained and we are the beneficiaries of grace. But in order to receive that gift it has to be accepted right? That’s where our “part” comes in. But so many of us miss that calling. We see the temporal and not the everlasting. We see our situation and not the importance of each encounter we have as well as those we could miss. God doesn’t randomly pass out gifts that display His favorites; He diligently matches each purpose and gift to interact with those we meet on our journey so we can play an active role in His design which was planned out before creation came into being.

If you see our journey as one domino falling onto another, working together from one generation to the next, it is easy to see why we are created with such a need to be “apart” of something. The only catch is, not just any something will do. It is a specific something that comes from supernatural powers.

Just hanging in there isn’t enough anymore

Today as talking to a close friend, this word picture entered my thought. I saw a high wire rope in the air, me positioned in the middle, and God’s hand reaching from above holding onto my outstretched arm. Then down below I saw the Valley of Despair on my left and the Valley of Self-Righteousness on my right. This picture pretty much sums up life as I know it. Every time I take back a part of me that I have previously surrendered, it’s like I have just let go of the pole that keeps me balanced and the chance of me falling greatly increases. If by some chance, I am able to steady myself for a few seconds, I usually find that I take my eyes off of Him long enough to look down, which always results in fear and the inability to move forward. Thankfully, He never leaves His stance so I am able to get back up and start over if in fact I do fall, but it is never without acquiring additional bumps and bruises.

This tangible reminder helps me see that I need to deliberately seek His presence in order to remain steady. It may seem like we are moving incredibly slow at times, but I am certain that the speed is for my benefit and not His.

Resting in a place of humbleness…

without falling off into the pit of worthlessness. That seems to be the trick that many of us desire to obtain. Ever wonder why Christ seemed so backwards? He sought out the weak to lead the strong. He forgave the outcasts and questioned the religious. He ate and drank with the sick and walked away from the rich. He asked those who followed Him to leave everything for His sake. He saved a world that rejected Him…so why is it so hard to believe that He uses those who feel the most unlikely to anoint? Is it to show the world that any greatness they accomplish would be more accepted as a miracle then if it were through someone more predictable? Possibly. But I think the true answer lies in the person’s heart. Most of the weak know they are weak. They learn to adapt with a broken wing. But when Christ comes into their life (and complete authority is handed to Him) there is an understanding that cannot be undone. In other words, there is no question to whom they credit this inner transformation. That person’s heart is linked to His in a way that many choose not to experience. And in that place, they know that God's plan surpasses any fear to move beyond their capacity alone.

Weathering the Storm...

It’s funny how God works sometimes. It never really seems to be the way “I would do it”. There is so many that walk through a storm only to be hit with another before they had time to catch their breath. As an outsider, one may think, “now come on…isn’t enough a enough?” But the issue is not really about how often or even how big the storm is; It’s actually about the one who has ultimate control over the seas.

As I was talking to Him today, I allowed myself to ask some pretty big questions. He is our Father and it pleases Him to be invited into every part of our life…even the parts that we would just assume not have. Just as I begin to ask Him if my upcoming season involved more then I was ready for, I heard the song “Praise you in the Storm” by Casting Crowns. The lyric go like this:

I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills

I have heard that song many times. But something fresh fell on my heart. I felt like He was saying, “Do I not hold the same power as I did when I held the weight of the world? Would I really allow you to go through something alone? Only in faith will you receive what I accomplished in death…please don't question my plan. Just be still and know...”

My prayer today:

Lord,
Thank you for who you are. Thank you for the cool weather and the rain. Thank you for the butterflies that remind me of new beginnings. Thank you for music that lifts the soul. Thank you for best friends that encourage. Thank you for giving strength when mine runs out. Thank you for seeing more in me then I could ever see. Thank you for your unconditional love!

I ask that you give comfort to the weary and peace to the hurting. I pray for all those secret prayers among us.

Forever in your grace,
A.-

Emotions...got to love em'

If our creator created us to glorify Him, wouldn't it make sense that He would create us with a guaranteed need to seek Him? He did, in fact, give life that included free will because there cannot be real love without it. However, we also have a missing part within us that only He can fill. I have heard it described as a “vacuum style whole within our soul”. Why is this a necessary part of our journey here on earth?

As history has shown us, we, as the human race, have a real problem with pride. We like to take credit for things that He has given, fuss over giving onto others when it is by His gifts that we receive, and blame Him when things don’t go our way without acknowledging that it is by His grace that we don’t get what we deserve. So it is for our benefit that He gave us a desire to yearn for more. Many people try to fill this void with all kinds of pleasures. Some of these things may even be positive or well intended, but the truth is, nothing can fill that place that is left empty except Him.

The trick is learning how to totally depend on something that is not tangible in “this realm”. It is moving beyond what is logical and dancing on the side of spiritual faith. Once one fully accepts Him and all that He offers, it is a daily battle to stay there. I also believe this was set up from the beginning. His plan was not set in motion for us as an individual, but as part of the entire redemptive process. How easy would it be for us to stay within our own little world of content satisfaction and completely disregard other people still searching for the ultimate fulfillment if we never experienced seasons of silence? From someone who has experienced a bit of that overwhelming joy and peace before, I would say, “pretty easily”. Sure, there is a love and compassion for reaching the need of His people, but there is also a large disconnect. I predict that an extended amount of time in that high spot, we would eventually drift away from all things left undone to stay right there as long as we could. There may even be a natural separation in the “healed” and “unhealed” because one may forget how to relate to the other. Add those prideful tendencies and we have an unfinished plan without the proper means to see it executed in its perfection.

So given the reason for the need to pass through certain stages within the spiritual life, how do we handle those times of silence, second-guessing, and fear? My hunch is that we will never have a specific answer on this matter except to publicly confess God worthiness and to have continued faith in His word when everything in the physical realm speaks to the contrary. If it is possible to abandon our emotions long enough to rely strictly on obedience, then He will use that particular “low” in ways that we cannot imagine. There is no easy formula or quick fix in making the storm pass faster, only the comfort in knowing that discipline will give you what you need to endure it.

The Refining Process

All of us have humanistic instincts that pull us away from God. This “handicap”, which is what I affectionately call mine, could take the shape of an addiction, pride, anger, independence, self-pity…and so forth. But God promises to turn what is sinful and ugly into beautiful and whole. Why does He do this when many of us have learned how to “cope”? If the point is to become Christians, why is it necessary to change once we cross over?

One answer may be that God is not satisfied with us just being okay. He loves us too much to leave us that way. His plan was that we live a life full of joy and peace. This peace is not determined by our circumstance or situation, but by knowing that we have a purpose and only in Christ can that purpose be revealed. We cannot predict how that plan will come forth. Personally speaking, I feel that mine is being formed out of my failures. I am not saying that God caused the circumstances for my fall, but in that “face down” position, I was open to accept His grace in FULL, where I might not of otherwise done.

If that seems like a foreign concept, you are not alone. As a childhood Christian, I physically grew but stayed a spiritual infant. I had no idea how to let go of natural desires and “auto-pilot” instincts. But I am learning that the more I focus on Him and His word, the more strength I have to fight off those urges. And as I witness my own transformation slowly take place, my confidence in believing what is unseen strengthens me enough to take my next step in faith. It is often a painful process, but it is well worth every tear.

Okay, now that the shock of doing this has worn off a bit, I thought I would tell you why I titled it One More Round. I was personally inspired by the song called One More Round by the Barlow Girls. It is basically a description of how life sometimes beats us down and how God's power can help pull us back up.

My life has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have sat in the valley, fallen into pits, climbed up the slopes, and perched on the peaks. Some of my pain came from my own disobedience and some from the consequence of living in a fallen world. But the last eight months have been nothing short of God's guiding hand pushing me to be as He created me to be and not as I saw myself. I have had moments of unmistakable joy and unexpected sorrow...but I would not take any of them back for an instant. I now understand what it means to go from one glory to another glory. There cannot be growth without change and there usually cannot be change without trusting God through the unseen journey.

So, my hope is that this is a place that allows you to not only give a voice to your situation, but to glorify your Father in the process and hopefully find some encouragement in the meantime.

Start of a New Day...

My Dearest Friends,
I am now starting the one thing I said I would never do...a blog. I have resisted, argued, and cried over this and have finally surrendered to the call. A have no expectations going into this adventure, but I do have a few fears. I will however give God 100% praise either way.

I feel that I have little to offer and much to gain through this obedience. Any advise, comments, or prayers will be much appreciated.

Thanks for supporting me and I hope you are blessed in some way.

Standing in His grace, Andria