Psalms 51

This particular Psalm is very dear to my heart because it encompasses a beautiful portrait of God’s grace. David often messed up yet God still described him as a man that had a heart for Him. This is how I see myself at my best. I am acutely aware that I mess up. I unknowingly hurt people and sometimes react in fear instead of truth. But my greatest desire is to follow the path that God intended at the time of my creation. I believe one of my acknowledgements in who I am in Christ is to obediently live out verse 15.

Let me first start out by saying that I have had some reoccurring health issues that have controlled and defined who I was. I am not exactly sure whether the physical or emotional aspect came first but I am pretty certain that one led to another at a very young age. As a women, I was given lots of worldly advise, cures, and excuses to why I had them but none seemed to satisfy the cost it demanded on my life so I have just learned to take each day as they come. The past year, God has really showed me what it means to live in His wholeness and the kind of peace that comes from such obedience. My prayer has often been to show me the way, yet the light I need to follow seems dim at times. It may be because the closer I get to Him, the harder it is to determine what my will is and what is His since my desires are beginning to look much more like His. This uncertainty in myself causes me to walk slow enough to receive some sort of conformation before stepping out.

So finally, after months and months of looking into private insurance, I picked one (which was no small task) and made a doctor’s apt. This recommendation was given to me and I just move forward in what I had heard. The appointment was two months away from the time I made it, but as the final days approached, I couldn’t ignore the unsettling feelings I was having in my spirit. Then last Friday, I knew God was asking me if I had prayed about it and if I would of, I would have known that wasn’t where He wanted me to be so I cancelled it. I remember telling my husband, not knowing his response to my honest answer to why, that it was just something I knew I had to do. I went to MOPS today and wrote out a prayer request (for the first time) to ask for guidance on the doctor God wanted me to see. To my great surprise, an hour later, the guest speaker was a doctor that attended our church. My issues seem unrelated to his specialty but I really felt the pushing desire that it was all relative. Then when he finished his talk, he said that he was currently doing a fun raiser that included an office visit and test for a small donation. I knew without a doubt that he was there in relation to my prayer request. Whether it is in this doctor or possibly the recommendation of another, I will find my answer. I am confident that in my obedience to cancel my original appointment, seeking God on this matter, and trusting Him to provide, I will find healing.

So in the understanding that accompanied these events, I am declaring praise on the Father who hears my cry. I am singing songs of joy, not in lieu of the circumstance, but because He speaks to me and blesses my intention and overlooks my past action. I am thanking Him for giving me a heart to long for such intimacy with Him that it strengthens me to turn around even in the mist of my own pride. Those that know me may not be shocked of the existence of pain and insecurity but may not be aware of the grace and joy I also acquired because of it. So as I have given all of myself to Him to use as He chooses, I feel that the light will shine on my story somehow and I have complete faith that God will receive honor and glory in my declaration. I will keep you updated on the progress…