God's Dreams are Bigger then Mine

As some of you may know, I am part of a new ministry called Restored and Renewed. It is a vision that exceeds something much grander than I ever thought I would be a part of. It was not an already existing project that was up and running but one that we are starting from scratch.

The people that make up the board are not the typical people you would expect to see leading this charge. Alisha, the founder of R&R was given this vision twelve years ago when she herself found freedom from emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. She saw the need to build a living community where victims of abuse and their children are provided with everything needed to be restored and renewed. The hope is to have both short term and long term programs that provide housing, resources, Spiritual healing, and practical education. She discovered there were 7,872 women turned away from shelters in Tarrant County alone due to lack of space. She has spent countless hours working with the founders and volunteering her time at Safe Haven in Fort Worth, the Gatehouse abuse facility in Grapevine, abuse victims, local abuse advocates, police departments, and so many more. She sees and understands the depravity that comes from learning to survive one day at a time and is compelled to not just accept the statics but to answer God's call on her life to do more. Then there's Shauna. She left her corporate job to start a nonprofit organization that offers free counseling to the community. Not only are they working with clients through spiritual guidance during seasons of unbalance, unexpected difficulties and life challenges but they also offer a safe environment for those who have been wounded by the institution of the church as they seek to rebuild their relationship with God. In offering Biblical discipleship, counseling, workshops, and Bible Studies to the public, they are so much more than just a counseling center. Although these two ministries are separate, you can see how the importance of having well trained Biblical Counselors involved in R&R is  instrumental in moving forward. Cathy is a registered nurse with 25 years of experience in women's and children's healthcare. She is so valuable to R&R because not only does she offer the wisdom gained from her training and experience of meeting the physical needs of the women we anticipate encountering, but she has the heart of a prayer warrior. Every interaction I have had with her, I can tangibly feel her Spirit and expertise. That gifting is so important and we are incredibly blessed to have her as part of our team. Vikki has a background in Victim Assistance and has worked with the justice system for many years. Her experience in this particular area is so rare because she brings a new perspective to the table. She gives insight into areas we may have otherwise missed, particularly when working with the police department and court system. Next I want to introduce Katie. She is a beautiful young woman who has brought so much love and compassion to our group. She too has a great understanding about emotional abuse and gives a voice to so many out there that are overlooked because many are under the assumption that abuse can only be visibly seen. But in fact, it is the soul that bares the greatest scar. The brutal weight one carries to overcome society's judgment and the feeling of being financially trapped in an abusive relationship is what convinces women to stay where they are.  Then there's me. If you have read some of my past posts, you know that sexual abuse is in past. Although it happened many years ago, the lasting effect tainted how I saw myself and interacted with those around me. It was only by God's supernatural healing I overcame depression, mistrust, and suicidal thoughts. I have always had the support of my family, close friends, and most importantly my intimate relationship the One who redeems. But many aren't so lucky. It is my greatest hope to be a part of something that actively seeks to serve and love on the broken hearted so they too will be inspired to find freedom through God’s Word and renewal process. It is then that we excel in our purpose and understand that pain doesn't have to limit us but can refine us. 

Why am I taking the time to introduce the amazing people to you? Well we are having our first fundraising event in just a few short weeks. For those of us involved, to say this is a step of faith would be stating the obvious. We have nothing to offer up here except our complete and total devotion and obedience to God. We are literally just a few short months out from the concept phase, as we plan and orchestrate our kickoff event that perhaps should take a year or longer to plan. BUT, God has arranged time and time again confirmations of His promise that says we are not to rely on conventional means. He is in control and will continually put people in our path to help us in ways that show His mighty hand in this ministry. However, at the same time, we must be open, available, and vulnerable to put ourselves out there to ask for what we need. And right now, we would like your support.

So many people are coming together to put this event on. We have a beautiful location with a full buffet dinner included, an amazing speaker that will share her personal experiences, an indie style singer/song writer playing her acoustic guitar, a photo booth, a professional photographer, silent auction/ raffle that will display some pretty impressive baskets and gift certificates (which could give you an early start on Christmas gifts should you win), and the chance to see and hear about a one of a kind ministry in the making. Besides the fact that this is a cause that is near and dear to our heart, it will be a fun night. How often do you get to get dressed up in semi-formal attire, wear a mask (if you so desire), and spend an evening rubbing elbows with the most humble people I have had the privilege of meeting? So grab a group of friends for a fun night out or your spouse for a special date night and come celebrate with us! I guarantee you won't regret it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you join John and I as we start this wonderful adventure together with you. 
 

Emotional Landmines

Sometimes we can be in a state of complete peace despite our surrounding circumstance. And then all of a sudden walk into a situation that takes our breath away. We react out of instinct and then chaos has irrupted before we even have the opportunity to grasp what happened.

What is that? The actual event wasn't really that big of a deal given what we have already walked through, and perhaps even conquered successfully. We think, "this should of been nothing...what made me react so sensitively? Why do I feel so defensive and misunderstood?"

So here's my take. God gives us seasons of peace and seasons of growth. He gives us rest as we reenergize and focus on Him. He allows us to fully engage in the Spirit and to engulf the all consuming power of assurance and confirmation that His promises endure over and above all else. And then there are times where He starts to press in and wants us to live out those promises by trusting Him past our emotional state. These moments can often come in waves. If we aren't ready, we can be taken by surprise. If you are wired like I am, this can be quite taxing. When I am in a place of complete vulnerability I have a certain level of expectation that I am going to be emotionally safe. My natural state of being is very guarded and it takes God's supernatural abilities and my obedient heart to tear down those walls each and every day. So in those moments when I am let down by someone, whether in behavior, response, or inaccurate judgment of me or those I care about, it feels much like I have stepped in a landmine and all sorts of responses are triggered. I am immediately caught off guard and probably not thinking rationally. This week, I responded with old reactive habits and became emotionally defensive. The fallout of it left feeling like I needed to retreat and the enemy was saying "see, I told you so. You shouldn't have opened up yourself. You walked right into that".

But here's the thing, the old me would of emotionally and physically pulled backed. I would of politely dismissed myself from those relationships and not looked back. BUT I DIDN'T. Because of the constant push and pull of my spiritual walk and the faith muscle God has been building in me over the last few years, I was able to come home, regroup with God, and wrestle through this issue with Him. Don't get me wrong, I have felt emotionally attacked not only by the enemy but by my own thoughts of insecurity and questions. I felt at times like I needed to explain or defend myself because let's face it...I still feel justified in my stance. But God is the ultimate defender and He is more concerned with a different kind of war, one I just won! I know the enemy would like nothing better then to see me walk away from the path God has set me on. And why wouldn't he? He has a lot to loose here if I press through these challenges. Not only in my world but in the lives of all those I have the potential to touch. But I'm not falling for it this time! I am laying down the sword and showing mercy.

So here, I surrender my pride and insecurity and ask God to help me start fresh. To continue to put myself out there and to trust that I don't need to go into situations defensively just because many in my past have let me down. I don't need to gain their approval but I don't need to expect that it will not be gained. It isn't about me, once again. It's about Him and what He is trying to mold me into. It's about how we are coming together for great purpose. That can only come when we when are willing to work as one unit fighting against one common enemy. I am done being a puppet to my emotions. They need to follow my lead, which is following HIM!

Comparison kills the Humble Heart

Have you ever been called into a situation that you knew was God directed but continued to fight the expectation of others? Perhaps looking from the outside in, things didn’t make sense. On paper, a left turn looks like the way to go but you know in your heart that God is calling you to go right. Then you obey and begin to question your ability because those around you seem to travel this road so easily. Their skills and "know how" seem to overpower yours by leaps and bounds.

Well that’s where I am today. I can get caught in the trap of wanting to stay comfortable. It’s not a new sensation really. I remember trying to play sports at a preteen, basketball to be more specific. Eighth grade, I tried out, not really having EVER played a sport, and made the B team. But I hated almost every minute of it. I felt exposed and unequipped to deliver a great performance. I looked at those who had played before or had natural talent and felt extremely discouraged by lack of immediate success. But instead of letting that emotion drive me to practice more, I allowed it to ignite insecurity. Looking back, I was probably an average player but because of my inability to see the greater picture of having fun and being a part of a team, I finished out the season and never played again.

God gives gifts to all His children. He doesn’t hand them out based on love or performance. He gives them to those who will recognize where they come from and will utilize them for His purpose. Sometimes those gifts are given at the start of one's spiritual journey and sometimes they are grown over time. But the best ones come when they are birthed out of a season of uncertainty. One where a step of faith was required before the next step appeared. It is both scary and exciting at the same time and the main difference between the two, preside in how focused we are on the One who supplies the strength needed to move forward.

I have always wanted to be a great singer. My heart loves to sing the praises of those much more poetic then I and I find great comfort in sorrowful lyrics. I have often asked God why He didn’t gift me with that ability. It seems like it would have made a world of difference in many realms of ministry if I could sing well. I often envy those I watch on stage and think “only if…what amazing things could I accomplish if I could do that…” Then I stop and realize that if I was meant to serve Him in that capacity, it would have been so. But that doesn’t stop me from stacking up my own gifts to those I see around me. Then today, I ran cross Psalms 118:14 which says, “The Lord is my strength and song”. I didn’t catch the phrase at first but when I went back over, God whispered to my soul, “Love, I am your song. I am your heart’s greatest desire. I am the all-encompassing thirst quencher. Don’t compare who you are, what you can do, or your gifts to anyone else. I made you perfect and will accomplish My will in you if you are reliant and confident in what I can do through you.”
I cannot express to you how it changed my outlook for the day. And I say the day because I know that I may struggle with this same concept tomorrow. His mercy is found fresh each day when I choose to spend time with Him daily. My natural insecurities don’t disappear once and for all when I have an awe-ha moment. It disappears when I come to Him with my concerns, comparisons, and complaints and lay them at His feet and say, “Lord, please use me. Help me see in me what you see. Let your approval be the only one I seek”.  

God's Plan Is Often Bigger Then Anything We Can Dream...

My God is so Big! He uses the most unqualified people to pull off the most magnificent visions. I mean, look through the Bible. Noah was a drunk, Abraham was old, Jacob was a liar, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was afraid, Rahab was a prostitute, David had an affair and murdered a man, Jonah ran from God, Lazarus died, Peter denied Christ, and Paul...well he persecuted Christians! By earthly standards, these people would not have been picked as historical figures that would be studied and read about for generations to come. But God saw something deep within their heart. He knew that once His power collided with their willingness to follow, great things would happen.

I am in no way making a comparison between the above people and myself. I am only trying to lower my heartbeat as I type this by reminding myself that God is the ultimate qualifier. You see, something great is transpiring right in front of me and I have the privilege and honor to be a part of it. If you are reading this directly from my Facebook page, I cannot say how much I appreciate it. I assure you that even in obedience to write this, I find it difficult to be so open. But I have to do it anyway:) Those who know me, understand I take things slow. With every opportunity presented, path that appears, or redirection of thought, I must sift everything through prayer and God's Word. I can almost come across things defensively with a sound of opposition until God gives me the clarification of what I need to move forward in confirmation.

So that brings me to the point where I start to explain my involvement in this ministry. I had traveled in many of the same circles as Alisha, the woman who's vision this belongs to, but we never really talked. We worked in the same ministry at church but she came as I was leaving and vice versa when God called me back. This immediately told me we had much in common but we had never had a single private conversation about anything. To my knowledge, neither one of us had heard the other's testimony in many of times each of us had given it and life moved on as normal. Fast forward many seasons later, a close and precious friend of mine suggested I do a Bible Study with her at her friend's house. I hadn't even given it much thought but when my friend added me to a private group for the ladies in the study, I suppose it took us both by surprise because Alisha messaged me to explain more about it and what was expected of it's participants. This wasn't an ordinary study but one that offered many volunteer opportunities at Gatehouse and several other abuse centers in the area. I spent the next 24hours praying about it. I had asked to meet her for coffee before telling her my thoughts. I was not prepared for what she laid before me. After polite conversation and each sharing some of our background history, she pulled out her notebook and showed me her heart. She had scriptures, prayers, drawings, and private thoughts that she nervously thumbed through. She said the book and the dreams inside were not something she openly shared but wanted me to see her passion. I was humbled beyond words and confidently said, I had no idea what God had in store but my inner being felt it was something big. At that very moment, her vision was just that. A conceptual dream that God had showed her as young girl.

I started the study and the passion and excitement that these young women expressed was something different then anything I had experienced. I have been in Bible Study for many years and I was always one of the youngest in the group. This was much the opposite and I wasn't quite sure how to feel. But I soon saw the love and longing to dive deep in each of their hearts. Their stories and testimonies touched part of my soul each and every week. They were wise, transparent, vulnerable, supportive, and encouraging to not only each other, but towards me; the outsider coming in. I could feel and see that God was prompting me to set up a meeting between an acquaintance of mine that I met in the passing through another sweet friend and Alisha. It was an odd situation because I had never once experienced any prompting so strong. True to form, it took me several weeks of prayer to find the courage to tell Alisha and a few more days to write Shawna an email. I clearly explained that I didn't know why, but they needed to meet. At that point, I felt just like the tool of introduction and had no expectation of being apart of what may or may not unfold. But God had something different in mind...

I would absolutely love to have the other ladies explain what has transpired since that initial meeting. But since it's really Alisha's story to tell, I will just say that through the love and guidance Shauna has offered her and the placement of several other key people God has put on our path, the vision has become so much more then a dream. Hours of prayer, planning, discussion, and layouts have taken place since then. All the legal commitments have been filed and approved, our first fundraiser is scheduled for October, and I truly believe the hearts of our volunteers are being prepared (even if they are unaware of it yet).

Restored and Renewed is a ministry that provides resources, biblical education, workshops, encouragement, and support to abused women and their families. We hope to one day soon have a housing facility to help make that transition for those stuck in their situation of despair and entrapment to one of freedom and self sufficiency. This is a non profit organization that relies on donations and connections throughout the community. We have a special opportunity to rally together to create something that has never been done. It is only through the Biblical healing of Christ that allows lifelong substantial changes in one life. Please pray about being a volunteer or partner.

Growing Pains Part 2

It amazes me how God works sometimes. Even now, after all this time, He still surprises me. I cannot even put into words how much movement has been happening in my life these last few months. He has introduced me to new relationships, new positions, and new emotions. I am somewhat floored by some of them for I feel a little out of my league at times. But that's when He sweetly reminds me why He chose me. It is because He likes to use the small to show His grander. He uses those that are often times overlooked to create something of significance.

Everyday is an opportunity to lay down that which causes us to rely on self. We are born with natural tendencies to seek power and control. For some, that is born out of the feeling of once being powerless, and for others it's the need to be looked at with envy and appreciation. But at the end of the day, that very same desire is what causes us to build a wall between us and our creator, which denies us the ability to really live out our purpose. That self righteous motive that tells us we are entitled to happiness, good fortune, and peace. Which is the exact lie the snake told Eve in the garden. If we were given what we earned, we would have a lifetime of pain and suffering and an eternity separated from our creator. That is the punishment for sin, which we all commit on a daily basis. So what do we do? how do we rectify things? We don't. We can't. We understand our position and humbly thank God for His mercy and grace. That's what we hold to when life gets tough. We throw entitlement out the window and ask God where we go from there...

That's where I've been for the past few years. In that lowered postured position asking God "now what?" Seeing how He constantly placed me in difficult circumstances to refine my ability to obey is obvious now. Realizing the tears and submission were necessary tools used to strengthen my faith muscles. Learning to quiet the distracting voices that told me I wasn't enough and responding with "HE IS THOUGH!" Taking my new normal is not just walking through it, but embracing it helped me move from my comfort zone to a place of complete and utter dependence. Cause at this point, it doesn't matter what others think. It only matters that I SEE and obey at every turn because it's not about me...or you...it's about Him and the bigger plan, which far exceeds anything I can imagine.

So Yes, growing pains... they are required on this journey. They will rip, pull, pierce, and tear out all our natural instincts until we became a new creation. They hurt beyond human explanation, and if we aren't careful, can be exploited or twisted before they hit their full potential. But if they are acknowledged for the good they provide, they can blossom into a story that will forever change our generation and alter all those we encounter. His most amazing plan involves us as the tangible hands and feet to those around us and if we don't allow the weariness of our heart to overcome the vision He has shown us, mighty things will form right before our very eyes...

   

I need to say some things...

Ok, I'll be completely honest here, what I am about to write about is extremely sensitive. It's something that a few years ago, I'd typically not discuss with those outside my recovery group, much less on a public forum. But I feel there is such an intense need for it and God is giving me the strength to obediently follow His persistent prompting, so here I go...

Recently the media has been bombarded with a molestation case that has come to light in a well known Christian family. The incident happened 10 years ago and involved a young male and some of his younger female family members. I'm not here to discuss this particular case. If you are familiar with it, I'm sure you have your own opinion of the facts and whether it was dealt with properly ten years ago when the teen confessed. What I do want to address is the poor matter to which people are publically going about dealing with the news. I am all for bringing light to darkness, giving help when recovery is needed, and discussing the difficult things that go on our society.  My hope is that true change will be made when we realize that the things we typically judge are not some random people that are out there that read our words, but are the broken individuals we come in contact with everyday, some even under the same roof.

Case in point, myself. I will share that I am a victim of molestation. I believe I was around six and it was over at a sleepover. My friend had a queen size bed we shared and just as I was falling asleep, her older brother and his friend crawled in with us. I looked to her for guidance and she seemed okay with it. Now I realize it was probably because this was a regular nightly event in her world and was programed to accept it as the way things were. In my memories, I didn't scream, fight back, or push away. I was confused because I had no idea what was happening. I don't recall any prior knowledge of even discussing anything to that nature, including inappropriate touching so I had no reason to question this person.

This event became the tainted blue print to so many areas of my life. I reveal that intimate detail for one reason...to explain the thoughts and feelings that ultimately defined my life, up until around six years ago. You see, because I felt like I was a participant, not a victim, I carried shame and guilt around like companions. I wore this "Scarlet A" so everyone could see. Most could not imagine what it actually meant cause to them it may have looked like shyness, control, judgment, pride, mistrust, or anger. I kept everyone at a distance and felt the need to be in charge of my environment and those around me. But really, it was an illusion. The shame controlled me to such a deep degree that it affected everything in my life. My relationship with those I loved, those I needed to hate, and even with God. But brick by brick, He has been faithful to take down my wall that I thought protected me from anymore pain. But there are still consequences to such events. One being the ability to wear God's clean gown. Meaning, I see that it was a sin that entered my life from someone else's doing and that it was completely and utterly wrong. But when I read people's comments saying, "that's disgusting, gross, and horrible", what I hear is "I'm disgusting, gross, and horrible". I can intellectually see that they are discussing the event and the perpetrator, but because the shame was imbedded so deep into my soul, the fresh explosion of opinion cuts open the scar with a sharpened blade. And it's not the pain that comes from the actual event. It wasn't until I started in recovery did I go through the process of placing accountability on the person who did it. I didn't blame my friend, nor her parents. Most of my life, I secretly blamed my parents for not protecting me but have since realized that was misplaced anger as well. I needed someone to share the burden and they were it. But most of the hurt was felt through self hatred. And that came out in many self destructive ways which I now understand and have had much success in working through. Sometimes it's one step forward and two back, but the momentum has picked up and God's healing power is done in His timing, not ours.

So why discuss this? Why put it out there? Especially since I have a good support group that has helped walk hand and hand with me through different stages of recovery and God has began to rewire that which has been broken for so long? Well, perhaps it's to give a voice to so many people out there. And to help those who cannot possibly understand the trauma that comes from such events. In everyone's good intention to seek accountability and retribution, they are throwing stones at the victims themselves. Hear me when I say, bringing light to this subject is good. But it's being done in some wrong ways. I will openly admit I suffered from depression, self harm, and the inability to cope with pain properly. But God, in His grace and sovereignty has brought me to a place where sanctification has hit the tipping point, and I now believe what I once thought didn't apply to me, does. And I stronger now because of it. But for those out there that haven't made it through the storm and are still unable to deal with the abuse, these comments and opinions have the ability to drown those who are still waiting for their life jacket. The waves are crashing and they are tired. With every hurdled statement that isn't drenched in God's wisdom, could be all it takes to sink them. Please be mindful. Ask God if He is prompting you to discuss or write on this subject, even in response to someone else, that you pray beforehand and ask that God give you words to bring life, not death. And if you or someone you know has abuse in their past, or is in an abusive situation now, please reach out. You are not alone. There is help. There is healing. There is hope and restoration. I would love to give some resources that have been instrumental in my recovery.

Growing Pains....Part 1

I have a ten year old daughter. She's been complaining about her body hurting lately. It's hard to explain to her that she may be experiencing growing pains. She asked "why is it necessary to experience pain in growing up?" I tried to tell her that the body goes through a process where it grows faster then it has in the past and it can often hurt. I wasn't exactly sure I had an answer that satisfied her but I tried to reassure her that the pain she's enduring now will be worth it when she looks back. She didn't seem convinced though. All she could see and feel was the pain of today, not the height and development that could only be seen in the future.

I believe our spiritual life also suffers from such events. The Bible talks about the need for spiritual maturity in numerous places. About growing in our faith and leaving behind our need to be spoon feed. This often comes through the experiences of the fire, the testing of our faith, and pushing beyond our emotional comfort zones to believe in what we can't see.

For me, I have never not known that I was a Christian. I fully believe that I accepted Christ at age four. I think it was needed for my journey and the struggles He allowed me to walk through, knowing my natural instincts to give up on life was apart of me. The boundaries, rules, and protection the Holy Spirit provided was the only thing that kept me fighting in my younger years. As I look back, I am in awe of the things He did. Yes, some of the things I endured were scary, heartbreaking, and unsettling to think about but we live in a fallen world and things happen. I had a season when I studied and learned the Bible, but over all, the prompting of the Holy Spirit guided my relationship. I easily felt His power and direction and desired to do what was right to please God. Because I am human, I feel short of that much of the time. Because shame was an automatic part of my identity, guilt often built an emotional barrier between God and I. Of course I loved Him always. Of course I knew He was the creator of the world and that He came to save the lost. But I did not trust Him to love all of me, especially in my sin.

Then the time came where I spent years growing in the Word. He freed me from some bondage quickly while surfacing new ones. It was a continued process for some time. It was one step of obedience at a time until we reached the season He asked me to surrender that which I held closest to me. I will tell you this nearly killed me. His mercies were so full during this time. I know its cause my heart so wanted to do everything He asked with joy but the reality of it all was a pain that cannot be described. In my obedience, there were good days and some not so good ones. I leaned on coping methods, distractions, and over all drowning my sorrow. And then there was the season of disappointment. Because I did the unthinkable, as He asked, I expected Him to fix things. But He didn't. Things just got worse. It was like He was testing me to see if I would love Him when He broke me? Could I lay aside all my unmet expectations and trust in His plan when they looked so different from mine?

This confrontation became real. I was angry at Him. I hurt because I felt like He let me down. I mean I did everything He asked. I trusted Him to see this situation through and it just kept getting worse. But I continued to pray. I was brutally honest. I laid all my cards out. And guess what...? He smiled and said "thank you my child". He had been waiting for me to bust through that wall I had built around myself to finally reach out to Him just as I was. He wanted me to be myself. He knew He was big enough to handle my frustration, blame, and brokenness. But did I? No, no I didn't. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to love me if I didn't believe and perform like I knew I should. And this set back was just the proof I needed to say, "how can I trust you when you allowed this to happen?" So there we are...right smack in the middle of my spiritual growing pain.

The Difference Between Waiting Patiently and Stalling?

Have you ever been in a season where you feel like your trying to listen to God, obey His direction, and yet still feel a bit confused to what He's telling you? If you have been walking with Him for a while, you may be quite in tune with the eternal voice of the Holy Spirit. He can clearly prompt and direct everything we are willing to ask Him. For example, I may ask Him the best route for driving, the best outfit to wear that day, the best place to stop and eat for lunch, whether or not I should say aloud what I'm thinking, where in the Bible to turn for today's reading, or whether or not to post something on my Facebook page. The questions can do on and on. It may seem unimportant to some, but for me, those details are what strengthen our relationship. He desires to share in all our everyday experiences and delights in our obedience. It always tickles me when His answer surprises me, which is very often. I usually have my own idea of what I want even before I ask, so when He pushes me to reach for the opposite, or sends me a place I didn't even consider, I think, "no, not really". But I almost always concede and then am pleasantly surprised by how it turns out. I wasn't always that way. It has been a work in progress. In actuality, it was during the greatest season of pain that I learned to trust Him beyond understanding which allows me to be confident enough to follow His lead that precisely.

So that leaves to me where I am now. I have a situation that I have been waiting for Him to intervene in, to show me which path to take or how to proceed. But it feels like a one step forward, two steps back dance. I think He's telling me one thing, then it dead ends into nothing. I'm not exactly sure how to feel. However, the hardest part about this situation is that it doesn't only directly affect me but those I love the most in the world. There is a lot of pressure to find a path but I am so lost as to what I am suppose to do that I do nothing. Then I once again ask myself if its fear holding me back or patience?

I am so thankful that He knows my intentions either way. My heart's greatest desire is to follow His will no matter where it takes me. I know that is the best place to be whether it looks safe or not. Past experience has proven that to be true time and time again. So no matter what, I know His mercies are renewed past the point of my action or in this case, inaction. If it were stubborn defiance, that would be different. If it were something the Bible clearly states to be reason or truth, it would be an issue. But in this case, the one where I am waiting His guidance before stepping out into my own will, I believe He honors that. I believe He will give confirmation when its warranted. I have been reminded of the countless times He gently walked beside me. He could of pushed me, carried me, or left me  behind, but instead  He met me where I was, took my hand, and slowed His pace so I could keep up. That's the kind of God He is. He's gentle, loving, kind, and patient.

He focuses on the end game not only the here and now. Yes, we want things to move along quicker but at what expense? I mean, what if we're not equipped yet and He is waiting for us to be ready. What if He's the one stalling and not us? What if it's in His mercy that things aren't moving at a faster pace? What if it's in His silence that His answer is just "not yet". What are we suppose to do with that? Well I tell you what I'm going to do...I'm going to praise Him in the mist of my wait! I'm going to shout and sing and honor Him for His goodness. I know that in every season there is purpose and He can see far more then I can. I am but a child wanting what I want when I want it. But just as I say "not yet child" in drawing boundaries to protect my own children from things they are not quite ready for, He too puts my needs before my requests. That's what good parents do.

That leads me to this moment where I ask for prayers to have the strength to stay focused on Him and not the uncertainty in my future. To also have those I love SEE this situation as God would have us see it and to tackle it with humility and complete obedience when moving forward. To be confident in where we are and to not second guess one step. To trust that if our heart's desire is to faithfully walk in His calling, that despite the world's viewpoint, waiting on Him is the only move to make here. Cause it is here that we will find He is moving the mountains ahead that are to difficult for us to climb, quipping us with special abilities that surpass our human ability, and a renewed faith as we willing put Him first.     

Grieving Makes the Heart More Tender

Have you ever heard some news that just threw you? You are not directly connected to it nor does it change your day to day activity but in a way, it has changed your perspective dramatically?

I have had three of these experiences that immediately come to mind. One was many years ago when I knew a couple who was trying to have their second child but due to health issues it proved to more difficult then most. For some reason, it affected me so much that I looked up information about becoming a surrogate. Of course, these thoughts were never discussed with anyone except my husband, but it just shows the depths of my hearts desire. I wanted them to have what they so deeply wanted because it literally grieved me to feel their pain. Then there was this other woman who was openly broken about her young son who is fighting for his life as he struggles with mental health issues. I watch and pray that God would supernaturally intervene and heal every area that was out balance. That He would give her strength and wisdom as to where to turn and how to proceed at each heart breaking step of this process. Then this week I learn of an impending marriage separation from a couple that I have grown to adore. I am left with so many questions to why without even wanting a real response. I suppose God has already revealed the purpose of trials and pain through my own heartache so why do I sit here and grieve over someone else's? I mean, it's not as if I do "life" with these people. Meaning, I don't know the ends and outs of their daily routine nor the back story behind their situation. We travel in the same circles and know the basis of what's going on in one another's life, but it stops there.

So again, I ask why does their pain affect me so? I have lots of friends that I see and talk to quite often that are going through difficult situations that I pray for, cry over, and mourn with. And then there's those prayer request you hear about and think, "oh God, please be with them in their time of need and quickly make a way here" but my thoughts eventually move on. But then there are those situations where you literally fall face down and weep for them without any confirmation of what's going on one way or another because you don't have any right to personally ask them about it. And even if you did (which I have tried in my most subtle ways) you don't hear anything back and then worry if you stepped over some invisible line by reaching out at all.

So why do I feel this way and why indeed have the need to write about it? As I type, I'm wrestling it out with God to give me concrete answers but at this point I don't feel certain with any of it. But I'm okay with that. I do see where their pain must of spoken to a part of my compassion at it's deepest level, or awoke an insecurity or fear that I fight with myself, or gave me a reason to open my eyes to see beyond my own circumstance into something outside myself. Whichever is the case, it has become another lesson in trusting God. I must rest in all the uncertainties of life while not isolating myself from opening up to those around me. Loving others, whether they know how we feel or not, is the most vulnerable act one can do. But isn't that what we are called to do? What if our intercessory prayer is sometimes suppose to be done on the sidelines cause after all, it's not about us, it's about Him. It's not whether we're rejected or accepted to be apart of their situation or not,  or whether we feel to much or little. It's about fully embracing the path which God has laid in front of you. It's about obediently lifting someone up and allowing God to hear our heart without any expectation that they fully understand what we're doing. Because just maybe, the change will be seen in the person staring back at us in the mirror just as much as it will be seen in the one we are praying for.