Have you ever been called into a situation that you
knew was God directed but continued to fight the expectation of others? Perhaps
looking from the outside in, things didn’t make sense. On paper, a left turn
looks like the way to go but you know in your heart that God is calling you to
go right. Then you obey and begin to question your ability because those around
you seem to travel this road so easily. Their skills and "know how" seem to overpower
yours by leaps and bounds.
Well that’s where I am today. I can get caught in the trap
of wanting to stay comfortable. It’s not a new sensation really. I remember
trying to play sports at a preteen, basketball to be more specific. Eighth grade, I
tried out, not really having EVER played a sport, and made the B team. But I
hated almost every minute of it. I felt exposed and unequipped to deliver a
great performance. I looked at those who had played before or had natural talent
and felt extremely discouraged by lack of immediate success. But instead of letting that
emotion drive me to practice more, I allowed it to ignite insecurity. Looking
back, I was probably an average player but because of my inability to see the greater
picture of having fun and being a part of a team, I finished out the season and
never played again. God gives gifts to all His children. He doesn’t hand them out based on love or performance. He gives them to those who will recognize where they come from and will utilize them for His purpose. Sometimes those gifts are given at the start of one's spiritual journey and sometimes they are grown over time. But the best ones come when they are birthed out of a season of uncertainty. One where a step of faith was required before the next step appeared. It is both scary and exciting at the same time and the main difference between the two, preside in how focused we are on the One who supplies the strength needed to move forward.
I have always wanted to be a great singer. My heart loves to sing the praises of those much more poetic then I and I find great comfort in sorrowful lyrics. I have often asked God why He didn’t gift me with that ability. It seems like it would have made a world of difference in many realms of ministry if I could sing well. I often envy those I watch on stage and think “only if…what amazing things could I accomplish if I could do that…” Then I stop and realize that if I was meant to serve Him in that capacity, it would have been so. But that doesn’t stop me from stacking up my own gifts to those I see around me. Then today, I ran cross Psalms 118:14 which says, “The Lord is my strength and song”. I didn’t catch the phrase at first but when I went back over, God whispered to my soul, “Love, I am your song. I am your heart’s greatest desire. I am the all-encompassing thirst quencher. Don’t compare who you are, what you can do, or your gifts to anyone else. I made you perfect and will accomplish My will in you if you are reliant and confident in what I can do through you.”
I cannot express to you how it changed my outlook for the day. And I say the day because I know that I may struggle with this same concept tomorrow. His mercy is found fresh each day when I choose to spend time with Him daily. My natural insecurities don’t disappear once and for all when I have an awe-ha moment. It disappears when I come to Him with my concerns, comparisons, and complaints and lay them at His feet and say, “Lord, please use me. Help me see in me what you see. Let your approval be the only one I seek”.
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