I need to say some things...

Ok, I'll be completely honest here, what I am about to write about is extremely sensitive. It's something that a few years ago, I'd typically not discuss with those outside my recovery group, much less on a public forum. But I feel there is such an intense need for it and God is giving me the strength to obediently follow His persistent prompting, so here I go...

Recently the media has been bombarded with a molestation case that has come to light in a well known Christian family. The incident happened 10 years ago and involved a young male and some of his younger female family members. I'm not here to discuss this particular case. If you are familiar with it, I'm sure you have your own opinion of the facts and whether it was dealt with properly ten years ago when the teen confessed. What I do want to address is the poor matter to which people are publically going about dealing with the news. I am all for bringing light to darkness, giving help when recovery is needed, and discussing the difficult things that go on our society.  My hope is that true change will be made when we realize that the things we typically judge are not some random people that are out there that read our words, but are the broken individuals we come in contact with everyday, some even under the same roof.

Case in point, myself. I will share that I am a victim of molestation. I believe I was around six and it was over at a sleepover. My friend had a queen size bed we shared and just as I was falling asleep, her older brother and his friend crawled in with us. I looked to her for guidance and she seemed okay with it. Now I realize it was probably because this was a regular nightly event in her world and was programed to accept it as the way things were. In my memories, I didn't scream, fight back, or push away. I was confused because I had no idea what was happening. I don't recall any prior knowledge of even discussing anything to that nature, including inappropriate touching so I had no reason to question this person.

This event became the tainted blue print to so many areas of my life. I reveal that intimate detail for one reason...to explain the thoughts and feelings that ultimately defined my life, up until around six years ago. You see, because I felt like I was a participant, not a victim, I carried shame and guilt around like companions. I wore this "Scarlet A" so everyone could see. Most could not imagine what it actually meant cause to them it may have looked like shyness, control, judgment, pride, mistrust, or anger. I kept everyone at a distance and felt the need to be in charge of my environment and those around me. But really, it was an illusion. The shame controlled me to such a deep degree that it affected everything in my life. My relationship with those I loved, those I needed to hate, and even with God. But brick by brick, He has been faithful to take down my wall that I thought protected me from anymore pain. But there are still consequences to such events. One being the ability to wear God's clean gown. Meaning, I see that it was a sin that entered my life from someone else's doing and that it was completely and utterly wrong. But when I read people's comments saying, "that's disgusting, gross, and horrible", what I hear is "I'm disgusting, gross, and horrible". I can intellectually see that they are discussing the event and the perpetrator, but because the shame was imbedded so deep into my soul, the fresh explosion of opinion cuts open the scar with a sharpened blade. And it's not the pain that comes from the actual event. It wasn't until I started in recovery did I go through the process of placing accountability on the person who did it. I didn't blame my friend, nor her parents. Most of my life, I secretly blamed my parents for not protecting me but have since realized that was misplaced anger as well. I needed someone to share the burden and they were it. But most of the hurt was felt through self hatred. And that came out in many self destructive ways which I now understand and have had much success in working through. Sometimes it's one step forward and two back, but the momentum has picked up and God's healing power is done in His timing, not ours.

So why discuss this? Why put it out there? Especially since I have a good support group that has helped walk hand and hand with me through different stages of recovery and God has began to rewire that which has been broken for so long? Well, perhaps it's to give a voice to so many people out there. And to help those who cannot possibly understand the trauma that comes from such events. In everyone's good intention to seek accountability and retribution, they are throwing stones at the victims themselves. Hear me when I say, bringing light to this subject is good. But it's being done in some wrong ways. I will openly admit I suffered from depression, self harm, and the inability to cope with pain properly. But God, in His grace and sovereignty has brought me to a place where sanctification has hit the tipping point, and I now believe what I once thought didn't apply to me, does. And I stronger now because of it. But for those out there that haven't made it through the storm and are still unable to deal with the abuse, these comments and opinions have the ability to drown those who are still waiting for their life jacket. The waves are crashing and they are tired. With every hurdled statement that isn't drenched in God's wisdom, could be all it takes to sink them. Please be mindful. Ask God if He is prompting you to discuss or write on this subject, even in response to someone else, that you pray beforehand and ask that God give you words to bring life, not death. And if you or someone you know has abuse in their past, or is in an abusive situation now, please reach out. You are not alone. There is help. There is healing. There is hope and restoration. I would love to give some resources that have been instrumental in my recovery.

Growing Pains....Part 1

I have a ten year old daughter. She's been complaining about her body hurting lately. It's hard to explain to her that she may be experiencing growing pains. She asked "why is it necessary to experience pain in growing up?" I tried to tell her that the body goes through a process where it grows faster then it has in the past and it can often hurt. I wasn't exactly sure I had an answer that satisfied her but I tried to reassure her that the pain she's enduring now will be worth it when she looks back. She didn't seem convinced though. All she could see and feel was the pain of today, not the height and development that could only be seen in the future.

I believe our spiritual life also suffers from such events. The Bible talks about the need for spiritual maturity in numerous places. About growing in our faith and leaving behind our need to be spoon feed. This often comes through the experiences of the fire, the testing of our faith, and pushing beyond our emotional comfort zones to believe in what we can't see.

For me, I have never not known that I was a Christian. I fully believe that I accepted Christ at age four. I think it was needed for my journey and the struggles He allowed me to walk through, knowing my natural instincts to give up on life was apart of me. The boundaries, rules, and protection the Holy Spirit provided was the only thing that kept me fighting in my younger years. As I look back, I am in awe of the things He did. Yes, some of the things I endured were scary, heartbreaking, and unsettling to think about but we live in a fallen world and things happen. I had a season when I studied and learned the Bible, but over all, the prompting of the Holy Spirit guided my relationship. I easily felt His power and direction and desired to do what was right to please God. Because I am human, I feel short of that much of the time. Because shame was an automatic part of my identity, guilt often built an emotional barrier between God and I. Of course I loved Him always. Of course I knew He was the creator of the world and that He came to save the lost. But I did not trust Him to love all of me, especially in my sin.

Then the time came where I spent years growing in the Word. He freed me from some bondage quickly while surfacing new ones. It was a continued process for some time. It was one step of obedience at a time until we reached the season He asked me to surrender that which I held closest to me. I will tell you this nearly killed me. His mercies were so full during this time. I know its cause my heart so wanted to do everything He asked with joy but the reality of it all was a pain that cannot be described. In my obedience, there were good days and some not so good ones. I leaned on coping methods, distractions, and over all drowning my sorrow. And then there was the season of disappointment. Because I did the unthinkable, as He asked, I expected Him to fix things. But He didn't. Things just got worse. It was like He was testing me to see if I would love Him when He broke me? Could I lay aside all my unmet expectations and trust in His plan when they looked so different from mine?

This confrontation became real. I was angry at Him. I hurt because I felt like He let me down. I mean I did everything He asked. I trusted Him to see this situation through and it just kept getting worse. But I continued to pray. I was brutally honest. I laid all my cards out. And guess what...? He smiled and said "thank you my child". He had been waiting for me to bust through that wall I had built around myself to finally reach out to Him just as I was. He wanted me to be myself. He knew He was big enough to handle my frustration, blame, and brokenness. But did I? No, no I didn't. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to love me if I didn't believe and perform like I knew I should. And this set back was just the proof I needed to say, "how can I trust you when you allowed this to happen?" So there we are...right smack in the middle of my spiritual growing pain.

The Difference Between Waiting Patiently and Stalling?

Have you ever been in a season where you feel like your trying to listen to God, obey His direction, and yet still feel a bit confused to what He's telling you? If you have been walking with Him for a while, you may be quite in tune with the eternal voice of the Holy Spirit. He can clearly prompt and direct everything we are willing to ask Him. For example, I may ask Him the best route for driving, the best outfit to wear that day, the best place to stop and eat for lunch, whether or not I should say aloud what I'm thinking, where in the Bible to turn for today's reading, or whether or not to post something on my Facebook page. The questions can do on and on. It may seem unimportant to some, but for me, those details are what strengthen our relationship. He desires to share in all our everyday experiences and delights in our obedience. It always tickles me when His answer surprises me, which is very often. I usually have my own idea of what I want even before I ask, so when He pushes me to reach for the opposite, or sends me a place I didn't even consider, I think, "no, not really". But I almost always concede and then am pleasantly surprised by how it turns out. I wasn't always that way. It has been a work in progress. In actuality, it was during the greatest season of pain that I learned to trust Him beyond understanding which allows me to be confident enough to follow His lead that precisely.

So that leaves to me where I am now. I have a situation that I have been waiting for Him to intervene in, to show me which path to take or how to proceed. But it feels like a one step forward, two steps back dance. I think He's telling me one thing, then it dead ends into nothing. I'm not exactly sure how to feel. However, the hardest part about this situation is that it doesn't only directly affect me but those I love the most in the world. There is a lot of pressure to find a path but I am so lost as to what I am suppose to do that I do nothing. Then I once again ask myself if its fear holding me back or patience?

I am so thankful that He knows my intentions either way. My heart's greatest desire is to follow His will no matter where it takes me. I know that is the best place to be whether it looks safe or not. Past experience has proven that to be true time and time again. So no matter what, I know His mercies are renewed past the point of my action or in this case, inaction. If it were stubborn defiance, that would be different. If it were something the Bible clearly states to be reason or truth, it would be an issue. But in this case, the one where I am waiting His guidance before stepping out into my own will, I believe He honors that. I believe He will give confirmation when its warranted. I have been reminded of the countless times He gently walked beside me. He could of pushed me, carried me, or left me  behind, but instead  He met me where I was, took my hand, and slowed His pace so I could keep up. That's the kind of God He is. He's gentle, loving, kind, and patient.

He focuses on the end game not only the here and now. Yes, we want things to move along quicker but at what expense? I mean, what if we're not equipped yet and He is waiting for us to be ready. What if He's the one stalling and not us? What if it's in His mercy that things aren't moving at a faster pace? What if it's in His silence that His answer is just "not yet". What are we suppose to do with that? Well I tell you what I'm going to do...I'm going to praise Him in the mist of my wait! I'm going to shout and sing and honor Him for His goodness. I know that in every season there is purpose and He can see far more then I can. I am but a child wanting what I want when I want it. But just as I say "not yet child" in drawing boundaries to protect my own children from things they are not quite ready for, He too puts my needs before my requests. That's what good parents do.

That leads me to this moment where I ask for prayers to have the strength to stay focused on Him and not the uncertainty in my future. To also have those I love SEE this situation as God would have us see it and to tackle it with humility and complete obedience when moving forward. To be confident in where we are and to not second guess one step. To trust that if our heart's desire is to faithfully walk in His calling, that despite the world's viewpoint, waiting on Him is the only move to make here. Cause it is here that we will find He is moving the mountains ahead that are to difficult for us to climb, quipping us with special abilities that surpass our human ability, and a renewed faith as we willing put Him first.