Growing Pains....Part 1

I have a ten year old daughter. She's been complaining about her body hurting lately. It's hard to explain to her that she may be experiencing growing pains. She asked "why is it necessary to experience pain in growing up?" I tried to tell her that the body goes through a process where it grows faster then it has in the past and it can often hurt. I wasn't exactly sure I had an answer that satisfied her but I tried to reassure her that the pain she's enduring now will be worth it when she looks back. She didn't seem convinced though. All she could see and feel was the pain of today, not the height and development that could only be seen in the future.

I believe our spiritual life also suffers from such events. The Bible talks about the need for spiritual maturity in numerous places. About growing in our faith and leaving behind our need to be spoon feed. This often comes through the experiences of the fire, the testing of our faith, and pushing beyond our emotional comfort zones to believe in what we can't see.

For me, I have never not known that I was a Christian. I fully believe that I accepted Christ at age four. I think it was needed for my journey and the struggles He allowed me to walk through, knowing my natural instincts to give up on life was apart of me. The boundaries, rules, and protection the Holy Spirit provided was the only thing that kept me fighting in my younger years. As I look back, I am in awe of the things He did. Yes, some of the things I endured were scary, heartbreaking, and unsettling to think about but we live in a fallen world and things happen. I had a season when I studied and learned the Bible, but over all, the prompting of the Holy Spirit guided my relationship. I easily felt His power and direction and desired to do what was right to please God. Because I am human, I feel short of that much of the time. Because shame was an automatic part of my identity, guilt often built an emotional barrier between God and I. Of course I loved Him always. Of course I knew He was the creator of the world and that He came to save the lost. But I did not trust Him to love all of me, especially in my sin.

Then the time came where I spent years growing in the Word. He freed me from some bondage quickly while surfacing new ones. It was a continued process for some time. It was one step of obedience at a time until we reached the season He asked me to surrender that which I held closest to me. I will tell you this nearly killed me. His mercies were so full during this time. I know its cause my heart so wanted to do everything He asked with joy but the reality of it all was a pain that cannot be described. In my obedience, there were good days and some not so good ones. I leaned on coping methods, distractions, and over all drowning my sorrow. And then there was the season of disappointment. Because I did the unthinkable, as He asked, I expected Him to fix things. But He didn't. Things just got worse. It was like He was testing me to see if I would love Him when He broke me? Could I lay aside all my unmet expectations and trust in His plan when they looked so different from mine?

This confrontation became real. I was angry at Him. I hurt because I felt like He let me down. I mean I did everything He asked. I trusted Him to see this situation through and it just kept getting worse. But I continued to pray. I was brutally honest. I laid all my cards out. And guess what...? He smiled and said "thank you my child". He had been waiting for me to bust through that wall I had built around myself to finally reach out to Him just as I was. He wanted me to be myself. He knew He was big enough to handle my frustration, blame, and brokenness. But did I? No, no I didn't. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to love me if I didn't believe and perform like I knew I should. And this set back was just the proof I needed to say, "how can I trust you when you allowed this to happen?" So there we are...right smack in the middle of my spiritual growing pain.