I need to say some things...

Ok, I'll be completely honest here, what I am about to write about is extremely sensitive. It's something that a few years ago, I'd typically not discuss with those outside my recovery group, much less on a public forum. But I feel there is such an intense need for it and God is giving me the strength to obediently follow His persistent prompting, so here I go...

Recently the media has been bombarded with a molestation case that has come to light in a well known Christian family. The incident happened 10 years ago and involved a young male and some of his younger female family members. I'm not here to discuss this particular case. If you are familiar with it, I'm sure you have your own opinion of the facts and whether it was dealt with properly ten years ago when the teen confessed. What I do want to address is the poor matter to which people are publically going about dealing with the news. I am all for bringing light to darkness, giving help when recovery is needed, and discussing the difficult things that go on our society.  My hope is that true change will be made when we realize that the things we typically judge are not some random people that are out there that read our words, but are the broken individuals we come in contact with everyday, some even under the same roof.

Case in point, myself. I will share that I am a victim of molestation. I believe I was around six and it was over at a sleepover. My friend had a queen size bed we shared and just as I was falling asleep, her older brother and his friend crawled in with us. I looked to her for guidance and she seemed okay with it. Now I realize it was probably because this was a regular nightly event in her world and was programed to accept it as the way things were. In my memories, I didn't scream, fight back, or push away. I was confused because I had no idea what was happening. I don't recall any prior knowledge of even discussing anything to that nature, including inappropriate touching so I had no reason to question this person.

This event became the tainted blue print to so many areas of my life. I reveal that intimate detail for one reason...to explain the thoughts and feelings that ultimately defined my life, up until around six years ago. You see, because I felt like I was a participant, not a victim, I carried shame and guilt around like companions. I wore this "Scarlet A" so everyone could see. Most could not imagine what it actually meant cause to them it may have looked like shyness, control, judgment, pride, mistrust, or anger. I kept everyone at a distance and felt the need to be in charge of my environment and those around me. But really, it was an illusion. The shame controlled me to such a deep degree that it affected everything in my life. My relationship with those I loved, those I needed to hate, and even with God. But brick by brick, He has been faithful to take down my wall that I thought protected me from anymore pain. But there are still consequences to such events. One being the ability to wear God's clean gown. Meaning, I see that it was a sin that entered my life from someone else's doing and that it was completely and utterly wrong. But when I read people's comments saying, "that's disgusting, gross, and horrible", what I hear is "I'm disgusting, gross, and horrible". I can intellectually see that they are discussing the event and the perpetrator, but because the shame was imbedded so deep into my soul, the fresh explosion of opinion cuts open the scar with a sharpened blade. And it's not the pain that comes from the actual event. It wasn't until I started in recovery did I go through the process of placing accountability on the person who did it. I didn't blame my friend, nor her parents. Most of my life, I secretly blamed my parents for not protecting me but have since realized that was misplaced anger as well. I needed someone to share the burden and they were it. But most of the hurt was felt through self hatred. And that came out in many self destructive ways which I now understand and have had much success in working through. Sometimes it's one step forward and two back, but the momentum has picked up and God's healing power is done in His timing, not ours.

So why discuss this? Why put it out there? Especially since I have a good support group that has helped walk hand and hand with me through different stages of recovery and God has began to rewire that which has been broken for so long? Well, perhaps it's to give a voice to so many people out there. And to help those who cannot possibly understand the trauma that comes from such events. In everyone's good intention to seek accountability and retribution, they are throwing stones at the victims themselves. Hear me when I say, bringing light to this subject is good. But it's being done in some wrong ways. I will openly admit I suffered from depression, self harm, and the inability to cope with pain properly. But God, in His grace and sovereignty has brought me to a place where sanctification has hit the tipping point, and I now believe what I once thought didn't apply to me, does. And I stronger now because of it. But for those out there that haven't made it through the storm and are still unable to deal with the abuse, these comments and opinions have the ability to drown those who are still waiting for their life jacket. The waves are crashing and they are tired. With every hurdled statement that isn't drenched in God's wisdom, could be all it takes to sink them. Please be mindful. Ask God if He is prompting you to discuss or write on this subject, even in response to someone else, that you pray beforehand and ask that God give you words to bring life, not death. And if you or someone you know has abuse in their past, or is in an abusive situation now, please reach out. You are not alone. There is help. There is healing. There is hope and restoration. I would love to give some resources that have been instrumental in my recovery.