It Is Impossible To Not Wake A Sleeping Bear

I am not sure how ready I am to discuss this subject but I believe God is impressing on me the relevance it could potentially have on other women so please bare with me if I fumble through this a bit…

I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.

I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.

If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.

Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.