He is Big Enough!

Well this week has definitely stretched me beyond my means. I realize now that I have been holding onto certain ideals and expectations of God that I had no understanding of or even comprehended the magnitude of their existence. As I ponder all the scenarios that I have laid at Christ’s feet in surrenderence, I SEE there are few that I hold willingly in my grasp.

As I have grown in my faith, I understand that God is pushing me to move past certain reactions and tendencies that have been my “safety measures” against being hurt. It is when my heart is exposed to being let down that the vulnerability of my expectations crowd out all sense of judgment that I know defines a Christ follower. It is in those instances that I react as the “old” me instead of the “new” me. I then proceed to typically distance myself both emotionally and physically from the situation (which could be perceived as running). It, however, is not out of anger or frustration (at least that’s what I tell myself) that I place a water bank between the situation and myself but out of fear of continuing the negative reaction. So what is girl to do? I read His Word daily, have constant prayer, and strive to be the person God wants me to be and yet fail miserably at every attempt.

I have slowly relinquished these silent expectations to God aloud this week, I SEE that by exposing the deep issues, He is forcing me to deal with them. It is my natural desire to run when the going gets tough. Just because my loyalties and love never change in the relationship, the absence of communication shapes and distorts it in similar and destructive ways.

So I sit here looking inward and ask God to help me look at the greatest fears I have and to give me strength to push through the “what ifs”. What if my oldest feels rejected and unloved despite my very best efforts? What if those I depend on most reject the One I hold highest? What if I make a bigger mess out of every situation I enter into? What if my motives are misunderstood and I fail to show love in the way my heart was designed to? What if I lay everything on the line and it is still not good enough, will I be able to stand afterwards or will it completely destroy me?

God answers me by asking “What if? ”. What if any or all those things happen? If they do, I will be there to catch you. I will be there to embrace your suffering. I will be there to fulfill all the areas that you unknowingly look to others to fulfill and in return they will be free to supply your overflow.

Then I asked, “How can I be trusted to not react when I do so easily even against my efforts not to?” His answer to me is, “continue to move forward and if you take a step back, we will deal with that process together. Be obedient in the areas I have shown you and you will persevere through this time without truly realizing the growth you are making within.”

While I rest in His presence to help me walk and grow through this season, I look ahead and draw strength on His promises that help me endure:

SEE! The winter is past;
The rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
The season of singing has come.
–Song of Songs 2:11-12