Full Disclosure

Okay, as I sit here and stare at this computer screen my mind is absolutely swimming in its own epiphany. I have come to realize that we sometimes find wisdom only after the obedience has started. This has most definitely been this case tonight.

I watched the show Hoarding: buried alive which airs on TLC a few hours ago and I am amazed to the reality that if I had not been set free from past mindsets, that could have so been me twenty years from now. The idea of “bargain shopping” to deal with an unwanted emotion was very real in my world and allowing that emotional attachment to carry over onto my stuff was also a way of coping with some sort of illusioned control.

I started thinking back to why such a habit could have formed and all of a sudden my mind drifted back to two distinct and separate occasions. I cannot even remember which preceded the other but they both involved indulgence and my father’s attention. One was when he took me shopping for school clothes one year (which was typically my mom’s job) and he let me pick out several outfits, allowed me to try on, and bought with little regard to the price. I had his undivided attention for most of the day and remember feeling so special. The second is when my mom, dad, and I went on a vacation, Missouri, if I am recalling correctly, and again we were allowed to purchase things that were out of our norm. It’s not that I was deprived of this type of treatment, it was just that usually it was unannounced to my dad and he played little parts in entertaining such events.

So really, one, myself included, may ask "what does one have to do with the other?" Well without falling into Alice’s hole by trying to explain my entire perspective, I will say that those familiar and happy feelings were established (at least momentarily) when I could re-create "happiness" somehow. Yes, they were somewhat altered through the years when disciplines, wants, and desires were established, but overall the prospect of finding that "high" continued the behavior but the inability to sustain the satisfaction it initially gave guided this recreational activity into some sort of addiction.

This in itself is not the OMG (or “oh my goodness” for those who are not up on my modified text language) moment, but in the realization that all additions are created with that same foundation. Whether it is food, sex, money, substances, disorders, or the need for emotional triggers, they all are seeking some functionality of control. Sadly enough, in our attempt to find control, we loose any effort of attaining it.

I started realizing this issue piece by piece. My earlier entry published back in December was a real victory in that effort. In my willingness to obey God’s prompting, I chose to not buy anything for my kids during Christmas. This was extremely hard in thought but once I committed to follow through, God gave me the strength to push past any reservations until I was meet with an overwhelming sense of joy. Unfortunately I back slided a bit when I was put in charge of a silent auction, which few participated in donating to, and I took it upon myself to supply the majority of its contents. However, I found that falling back into a pit that you’ve climbed out of once, gets a whole lot easier when you recognize the symptoms and call for help early on. Anyway, in my obedience, I was able to surrender the need for control, to find real joy. Although it wasn’t always understood and often interrupted by the pains of life, I was still able to hold it in my grasp.

Now, I have come full circle and am able to see the bigger picture. What a perspective! It seems to complex, yet so simple at the same time…there are just no words to describe this feeling…

God is so good...He is just so good!