Growing Pains....Part 1

I have a ten year old daughter. She's been complaining about her body hurting lately. It's hard to explain to her that she may be experiencing growing pains. She asked "why is it necessary to experience pain in growing up?" I tried to tell her that the body goes through a process where it grows faster then it has in the past and it can often hurt. I wasn't exactly sure I had an answer that satisfied her but I tried to reassure her that the pain she's enduring now will be worth it when she looks back. She didn't seem convinced though. All she could see and feel was the pain of today, not the height and development that could only be seen in the future.

I believe our spiritual life also suffers from such events. The Bible talks about the need for spiritual maturity in numerous places. About growing in our faith and leaving behind our need to be spoon feed. This often comes through the experiences of the fire, the testing of our faith, and pushing beyond our emotional comfort zones to believe in what we can't see.

For me, I have never not known that I was a Christian. I fully believe that I accepted Christ at age four. I think it was needed for my journey and the struggles He allowed me to walk through, knowing my natural instincts to give up on life was apart of me. The boundaries, rules, and protection the Holy Spirit provided was the only thing that kept me fighting in my younger years. As I look back, I am in awe of the things He did. Yes, some of the things I endured were scary, heartbreaking, and unsettling to think about but we live in a fallen world and things happen. I had a season when I studied and learned the Bible, but over all, the prompting of the Holy Spirit guided my relationship. I easily felt His power and direction and desired to do what was right to please God. Because I am human, I feel short of that much of the time. Because shame was an automatic part of my identity, guilt often built an emotional barrier between God and I. Of course I loved Him always. Of course I knew He was the creator of the world and that He came to save the lost. But I did not trust Him to love all of me, especially in my sin.

Then the time came where I spent years growing in the Word. He freed me from some bondage quickly while surfacing new ones. It was a continued process for some time. It was one step of obedience at a time until we reached the season He asked me to surrender that which I held closest to me. I will tell you this nearly killed me. His mercies were so full during this time. I know its cause my heart so wanted to do everything He asked with joy but the reality of it all was a pain that cannot be described. In my obedience, there were good days and some not so good ones. I leaned on coping methods, distractions, and over all drowning my sorrow. And then there was the season of disappointment. Because I did the unthinkable, as He asked, I expected Him to fix things. But He didn't. Things just got worse. It was like He was testing me to see if I would love Him when He broke me? Could I lay aside all my unmet expectations and trust in His plan when they looked so different from mine?

This confrontation became real. I was angry at Him. I hurt because I felt like He let me down. I mean I did everything He asked. I trusted Him to see this situation through and it just kept getting worse. But I continued to pray. I was brutally honest. I laid all my cards out. And guess what...? He smiled and said "thank you my child". He had been waiting for me to bust through that wall I had built around myself to finally reach out to Him just as I was. He wanted me to be myself. He knew He was big enough to handle my frustration, blame, and brokenness. But did I? No, no I didn't. I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to love me if I didn't believe and perform like I knew I should. And this set back was just the proof I needed to say, "how can I trust you when you allowed this to happen?" So there we are...right smack in the middle of my spiritual growing pain.

The Difference Between Waiting Patiently and Stalling?

Have you ever been in a season where you feel like your trying to listen to God, obey His direction, and yet still feel a bit confused to what He's telling you? If you have been walking with Him for a while, you may be quite in tune with the eternal voice of the Holy Spirit. He can clearly prompt and direct everything we are willing to ask Him. For example, I may ask Him the best route for driving, the best outfit to wear that day, the best place to stop and eat for lunch, whether or not I should say aloud what I'm thinking, where in the Bible to turn for today's reading, or whether or not to post something on my Facebook page. The questions can do on and on. It may seem unimportant to some, but for me, those details are what strengthen our relationship. He desires to share in all our everyday experiences and delights in our obedience. It always tickles me when His answer surprises me, which is very often. I usually have my own idea of what I want even before I ask, so when He pushes me to reach for the opposite, or sends me a place I didn't even consider, I think, "no, not really". But I almost always concede and then am pleasantly surprised by how it turns out. I wasn't always that way. It has been a work in progress. In actuality, it was during the greatest season of pain that I learned to trust Him beyond understanding which allows me to be confident enough to follow His lead that precisely.

So that leaves to me where I am now. I have a situation that I have been waiting for Him to intervene in, to show me which path to take or how to proceed. But it feels like a one step forward, two steps back dance. I think He's telling me one thing, then it dead ends into nothing. I'm not exactly sure how to feel. However, the hardest part about this situation is that it doesn't only directly affect me but those I love the most in the world. There is a lot of pressure to find a path but I am so lost as to what I am suppose to do that I do nothing. Then I once again ask myself if its fear holding me back or patience?

I am so thankful that He knows my intentions either way. My heart's greatest desire is to follow His will no matter where it takes me. I know that is the best place to be whether it looks safe or not. Past experience has proven that to be true time and time again. So no matter what, I know His mercies are renewed past the point of my action or in this case, inaction. If it were stubborn defiance, that would be different. If it were something the Bible clearly states to be reason or truth, it would be an issue. But in this case, the one where I am waiting His guidance before stepping out into my own will, I believe He honors that. I believe He will give confirmation when its warranted. I have been reminded of the countless times He gently walked beside me. He could of pushed me, carried me, or left me  behind, but instead  He met me where I was, took my hand, and slowed His pace so I could keep up. That's the kind of God He is. He's gentle, loving, kind, and patient.

He focuses on the end game not only the here and now. Yes, we want things to move along quicker but at what expense? I mean, what if we're not equipped yet and He is waiting for us to be ready. What if He's the one stalling and not us? What if it's in His mercy that things aren't moving at a faster pace? What if it's in His silence that His answer is just "not yet". What are we suppose to do with that? Well I tell you what I'm going to do...I'm going to praise Him in the mist of my wait! I'm going to shout and sing and honor Him for His goodness. I know that in every season there is purpose and He can see far more then I can. I am but a child wanting what I want when I want it. But just as I say "not yet child" in drawing boundaries to protect my own children from things they are not quite ready for, He too puts my needs before my requests. That's what good parents do.

That leads me to this moment where I ask for prayers to have the strength to stay focused on Him and not the uncertainty in my future. To also have those I love SEE this situation as God would have us see it and to tackle it with humility and complete obedience when moving forward. To be confident in where we are and to not second guess one step. To trust that if our heart's desire is to faithfully walk in His calling, that despite the world's viewpoint, waiting on Him is the only move to make here. Cause it is here that we will find He is moving the mountains ahead that are to difficult for us to climb, quipping us with special abilities that surpass our human ability, and a renewed faith as we willing put Him first.     

Grieving Makes the Heart More Tender

Have you ever heard some news that just threw you? You are not directly connected to it nor does it change your day to day activity but in a way, it has changed your perspective dramatically?

I have had three of these experiences that immediately come to mind. One was many years ago when I knew a couple who was trying to have their second child but due to health issues it proved to more difficult then most. For some reason, it affected me so much that I looked up information about becoming a surrogate. Of course, these thoughts were never discussed with anyone except my husband, but it just shows the depths of my hearts desire. I wanted them to have what they so deeply wanted because it literally grieved me to feel their pain. Then there was this other woman who was openly broken about her young son who is fighting for his life as he struggles with mental health issues. I watch and pray that God would supernaturally intervene and heal every area that was out balance. That He would give her strength and wisdom as to where to turn and how to proceed at each heart breaking step of this process. Then this week I learn of an impending marriage separation from a couple that I have grown to adore. I am left with so many questions to why without even wanting a real response. I suppose God has already revealed the purpose of trials and pain through my own heartache so why do I sit here and grieve over someone else's? I mean, it's not as if I do "life" with these people. Meaning, I don't know the ends and outs of their daily routine nor the back story behind their situation. We travel in the same circles and know the basis of what's going on in one another's life, but it stops there.

So again, I ask why does their pain affect me so? I have lots of friends that I see and talk to quite often that are going through difficult situations that I pray for, cry over, and mourn with. And then there's those prayer request you hear about and think, "oh God, please be with them in their time of need and quickly make a way here" but my thoughts eventually move on. But then there are those situations where you literally fall face down and weep for them without any confirmation of what's going on one way or another because you don't have any right to personally ask them about it. And even if you did (which I have tried in my most subtle ways) you don't hear anything back and then worry if you stepped over some invisible line by reaching out at all.

So why do I feel this way and why indeed have the need to write about it? As I type, I'm wrestling it out with God to give me concrete answers but at this point I don't feel certain with any of it. But I'm okay with that. I do see where their pain must of spoken to a part of my compassion at it's deepest level, or awoke an insecurity or fear that I fight with myself, or gave me a reason to open my eyes to see beyond my own circumstance into something outside myself. Whichever is the case, it has become another lesson in trusting God. I must rest in all the uncertainties of life while not isolating myself from opening up to those around me. Loving others, whether they know how we feel or not, is the most vulnerable act one can do. But isn't that what we are called to do? What if our intercessory prayer is sometimes suppose to be done on the sidelines cause after all, it's not about us, it's about Him. It's not whether we're rejected or accepted to be apart of their situation or not,  or whether we feel to much or little. It's about fully embracing the path which God has laid in front of you. It's about obediently lifting someone up and allowing God to hear our heart without any expectation that they fully understand what we're doing. Because just maybe, the change will be seen in the person staring back at us in the mirror just as much as it will be seen in the one we are praying for.

True Intimacy Can Come From True Heartache

Okay I know it’s been a while…a long while. Honestly, I think I have been in a season where I was feeling too much pain and I didn't even want to indulge it much less give it a voice. But somewhere along the way this weekend, I realized that perhaps I needed a manuscript of certain moments so I could remember this part of my journey. So much has happened these past few years that it seems strange to choose this observation to start up my writing because it is quite insignificant compared to countless other moments, but God works in mysterious and marvelous ways. Perhaps this moment will be bigger in the future then it seems today. Either way, I am thankful for this opportunity, even if it will be read by my eyes only. I can’t put words to the feelings at my core but at the surface, I finally feel pity. I have been upset, angry, helpless, frustrated, and mourned over one particular relationship that has defined my entire life. But as I stepped back and watched it from a different perspective, I could see it for what it is and accept it as just that. I used to think if I could just “be” good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, self-sufficient enough, whatever enough that he would want to be a part of my life. After all, I share his DNA. Isn’t it natural to yearn for that relationship to be strong and healthy? Shouldn't it be based on truth, honesty, and safety? I suppose for many it’s not. And don’t misunderstand; it could be far worse than it is. It’s just not the way my heart wants it to be. I want more. But more has a condition. For that person to want to be in my life, I have to be something I’m not. I have to fit into a mold which agrees with their perfect little world. I can’t love Jesus as much as I do. I can’t battle with depression. I can’t have kids that are struggling. I can’t have financial issues. And I most certainly can’t tell him about it if I do. I must pretend to be part of an uppity lifestyle with the nice car, big clean house, financially stable career, great problem free marriage, and kids that are only brag worthy material. But that is not me and certainly not where my life is right now. I don’t know how to wear masks. I am not good at faking it, even just for a day just so I can have a relationship with him. I do understand his conditions and can see that life may seem so blissful in a make believe world, where pain and real issues don’t exist. But I see people. I see the ones holding up “help me” signs and I stop. I enjoy spending time at Celebrate Recovery getting to know the inner depths of people’s heart and realize that my emotional recovery isn't a destination but a process. I want to work with troubled youth, and live life in the trenches, not ignoring them. But where does that leave him and me? I’m not sure. But I contemplate this issue, I saw a correlation between this relationship and the one we often try to have with God. See, we want God to fit into our box. We say, yes Lord, I’ll have a relationship with you as long as you follow these simple steps. As long as long suffering pain and unexpected heartache isn't a part of the plan. I understand there will be rainy days, but they can’t last over a certain season and they can’t all come at me at the same time. If You, Lord will make my life doable, I say all the right churchy things, tithe, even serve when I can. But don’t push me. And don’t mess with the issue I hold tightest in my hand. Everything else is fair game, but not that. I can handle most things as long as You don’t break me. Let the good outweigh the difficult and we’ll be just fine. So what does God do? The only thing a jealous God can do…He points at our hand and says, yes I want that. Funny thing is, most the time He doesn't pry our hands open to get. He asks us to willingly hand it over, which makes the whole thing much more complicated. And sometimes in the rain, it tends to pour. The difficult becomes down right impossible, by human standards that is. It’s not just one thing, but multiple things. And we begin to question why. We look back at our journey and see both the mistakes and obedience. We can easily pick out the grace parts as well as the ones where we followed His direction exactly. So we hurt even more because we don’t understand the path we’re on. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not about all the hardships and circumstances. Maybe it’s about unconditional fellowship, worship, and obedience even when the tough gets a whole lot tougher. Maybe it’s about trusting Him WHEN the bottom falls out time and time again. Maybe it’s about letting our spoken words be seen living out loud in our life. Maybe it’s about embracing the pain of this life so we can experience a deeper intimacy with the One who experienced the pain of the cross. Maybe it’s about not understanding at all and loving and thanking Him anyway!

Dog Paddling To Softer Ground

I have read so many wonderful daily post about what people are thankful for this November that it has inspired me to make my own list. Of course I am thankful for family, friends, military, church, and so forth but I needed a break from swimming in the deep end of self thought so I'm going to paddle over to the shallow end for a minute just to give me the opportunity to recognize the little things in my life that I often over look.

30. when my husband's sport team wins
29. GPS
28. feather boas
27. Tylenol PM
26. DVD player in car
25. credit card
24. winter boots
23. funny facebook posts
22. hair band
21. chips & salsa
20. sweat shirts
19. windshield wipers
18. crayons
17. push-up bra
16. microwave
15. my cat
14. books on CD
13. loud stereo
12. fireplace
11. fly swatter
10. “pet stain” cleaner
9. camera
8. great tattoo artist
7. Tide
6. the teens in my life
5. changing seasons
4. tears
3. Wednesday morning walks
2. deodorant
1. The fact that I'm not in control But I have a pretty close relationship with the One who is...

How Does A Broken Heart Heal?

If someone who is suppose to love unconditionally, puts limits on that love, is it real? Once a line has been drawn and crossed, can you go back? Can the heart mend itself enough to trust again or is it changed forever? If that particular person has been abandoned over and over again, how can she trust in anyone? Does her heart get hardened to life in general or can she choose to be vulnerable to the unseen? When is it just to much? To much to walk through...to much to bear... to much to hope for something that could possibly destroy her if it didn't come to pass?

I don't know....but I know who does. I have to lean on Him to find the truths I seek and allow that “mustard seed” of faith to take root and grow. This is not a choice. This is desperation. This is the will fighting against years of instincts as I put one foot in front of the other and allow this test to come, whatever the outcome may bring. Let it come....and I will praise You with every last breath I have until the very end.

Bright Eyes

There are many ways one can look at a difficult season. But for a Christian, the ways seem to get complicated based on their understanding of the situation and the perspective at which they view God.

I have recently been reading through Job again. When I was first prompted to go there, a healthy dose of fear dashed through my thoughts. Out of all the books in the Bible, and all the prophets that are spoken of, Job's journey is one that I would rather read about then experience myself. And as so often, I found similar identification in those who love the Lord with the devotion that expands throughout time with the desire to obtain those qualities myself. However, I wanted to keep a safe distance away from the story line as a precaution to what I might truly see just in case He was showing me something I didn't feel strong enough to accept. With that said,today I stopped and opened my heart to whatever God had for me and I couldn't keep my focus off chapter nine, verse 32. As Job was finally at the point of complete and utter devastation, he cries back the defense of not declaring his frustration and remorse in front of God by saying,

He is not a man like me that I might answer him,
that we might confront each other in court.
If only there was someone to arbitrate between us,
to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me,
so that His terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of Him,
But as it now stands with me, I cannot.

To back the story up, we must acknowledge that Job is described as being “blameless and upright , fearing God and shunning evil” (chap. 1 vs. 1). I believe that those characteristics must go hand and hand. As I observed the world in it's chaotic state, I notice there is no fear in people. We are a culture that does what we want when we want. I am floored every time I hear God's name used in vein. To simply say it in random expression or to vent it out in an emotion that is far from the honor and respect it deserves.

The second major connection that pulls at my heart is the wording in the above passage. He is directly exposing the need for a link that fills the gap between us and God. There was no possible way such a connection could be made except through His own making. I believe this is especially important to stop and think about since we are days away from Easter. Tomorrow is Good-Friday. The day that marks the surrender of Christ into the hands of the Jews to be the final sacrifice for all our sins. It is in that, and only that act that allows us to come in front of God with the confidence that a remorseful heart allows. We, unlike Job, have a man that intervenes on our behalf and it is in the equal balance of fear that keeps us from evil and humbleness in knowing it is only through Him, we have the right to be in His presence can we have the intimacy that He offers to all.

My dear children, I write this to you so that you WILL not sin.
But if anybody does sin,
we have One who speaks to the Father in our defense-
Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. - 1 John 2:1