True Intimacy Can Come From True Heartache

Okay I know it’s been a while…a long while. Honestly, I think I have been in a season where I was feeling too much pain and I didn't even want to indulge it much less give it a voice. But somewhere along the way this weekend, I realized that perhaps I needed a manuscript of certain moments so I could remember this part of my journey. So much has happened these past few years that it seems strange to choose this observation to start up my writing because it is quite insignificant compared to countless other moments, but God works in mysterious and marvelous ways. Perhaps this moment will be bigger in the future then it seems today. Either way, I am thankful for this opportunity, even if it will be read by my eyes only. I can’t put words to the feelings at my core but at the surface, I finally feel pity. I have been upset, angry, helpless, frustrated, and mourned over one particular relationship that has defined my entire life. But as I stepped back and watched it from a different perspective, I could see it for what it is and accept it as just that. I used to think if I could just “be” good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, self-sufficient enough, whatever enough that he would want to be a part of my life. After all, I share his DNA. Isn’t it natural to yearn for that relationship to be strong and healthy? Shouldn't it be based on truth, honesty, and safety? I suppose for many it’s not. And don’t misunderstand; it could be far worse than it is. It’s just not the way my heart wants it to be. I want more. But more has a condition. For that person to want to be in my life, I have to be something I’m not. I have to fit into a mold which agrees with their perfect little world. I can’t love Jesus as much as I do. I can’t battle with depression. I can’t have kids that are struggling. I can’t have financial issues. And I most certainly can’t tell him about it if I do. I must pretend to be part of an uppity lifestyle with the nice car, big clean house, financially stable career, great problem free marriage, and kids that are only brag worthy material. But that is not me and certainly not where my life is right now. I don’t know how to wear masks. I am not good at faking it, even just for a day just so I can have a relationship with him. I do understand his conditions and can see that life may seem so blissful in a make believe world, where pain and real issues don’t exist. But I see people. I see the ones holding up “help me” signs and I stop. I enjoy spending time at Celebrate Recovery getting to know the inner depths of people’s heart and realize that my emotional recovery isn't a destination but a process. I want to work with troubled youth, and live life in the trenches, not ignoring them. But where does that leave him and me? I’m not sure. But I contemplate this issue, I saw a correlation between this relationship and the one we often try to have with God. See, we want God to fit into our box. We say, yes Lord, I’ll have a relationship with you as long as you follow these simple steps. As long as long suffering pain and unexpected heartache isn't a part of the plan. I understand there will be rainy days, but they can’t last over a certain season and they can’t all come at me at the same time. If You, Lord will make my life doable, I say all the right churchy things, tithe, even serve when I can. But don’t push me. And don’t mess with the issue I hold tightest in my hand. Everything else is fair game, but not that. I can handle most things as long as You don’t break me. Let the good outweigh the difficult and we’ll be just fine. So what does God do? The only thing a jealous God can do…He points at our hand and says, yes I want that. Funny thing is, most the time He doesn't pry our hands open to get. He asks us to willingly hand it over, which makes the whole thing much more complicated. And sometimes in the rain, it tends to pour. The difficult becomes down right impossible, by human standards that is. It’s not just one thing, but multiple things. And we begin to question why. We look back at our journey and see both the mistakes and obedience. We can easily pick out the grace parts as well as the ones where we followed His direction exactly. So we hurt even more because we don’t understand the path we’re on. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not about all the hardships and circumstances. Maybe it’s about unconditional fellowship, worship, and obedience even when the tough gets a whole lot tougher. Maybe it’s about trusting Him WHEN the bottom falls out time and time again. Maybe it’s about letting our spoken words be seen living out loud in our life. Maybe it’s about embracing the pain of this life so we can experience a deeper intimacy with the One who experienced the pain of the cross. Maybe it’s about not understanding at all and loving and thanking Him anyway!