Grieving Makes the Heart More Tender

Have you ever heard some news that just threw you? You are not directly connected to it nor does it change your day to day activity but in a way, it has changed your perspective dramatically?

I have had three of these experiences that immediately come to mind. One was many years ago when I knew a couple who was trying to have their second child but due to health issues it proved to more difficult then most. For some reason, it affected me so much that I looked up information about becoming a surrogate. Of course, these thoughts were never discussed with anyone except my husband, but it just shows the depths of my hearts desire. I wanted them to have what they so deeply wanted because it literally grieved me to feel their pain. Then there was this other woman who was openly broken about her young son who is fighting for his life as he struggles with mental health issues. I watch and pray that God would supernaturally intervene and heal every area that was out balance. That He would give her strength and wisdom as to where to turn and how to proceed at each heart breaking step of this process. Then this week I learn of an impending marriage separation from a couple that I have grown to adore. I am left with so many questions to why without even wanting a real response. I suppose God has already revealed the purpose of trials and pain through my own heartache so why do I sit here and grieve over someone else's? I mean, it's not as if I do "life" with these people. Meaning, I don't know the ends and outs of their daily routine nor the back story behind their situation. We travel in the same circles and know the basis of what's going on in one another's life, but it stops there.

So again, I ask why does their pain affect me so? I have lots of friends that I see and talk to quite often that are going through difficult situations that I pray for, cry over, and mourn with. And then there's those prayer request you hear about and think, "oh God, please be with them in their time of need and quickly make a way here" but my thoughts eventually move on. But then there are those situations where you literally fall face down and weep for them without any confirmation of what's going on one way or another because you don't have any right to personally ask them about it. And even if you did (which I have tried in my most subtle ways) you don't hear anything back and then worry if you stepped over some invisible line by reaching out at all.

So why do I feel this way and why indeed have the need to write about it? As I type, I'm wrestling it out with God to give me concrete answers but at this point I don't feel certain with any of it. But I'm okay with that. I do see where their pain must of spoken to a part of my compassion at it's deepest level, or awoke an insecurity or fear that I fight with myself, or gave me a reason to open my eyes to see beyond my own circumstance into something outside myself. Whichever is the case, it has become another lesson in trusting God. I must rest in all the uncertainties of life while not isolating myself from opening up to those around me. Loving others, whether they know how we feel or not, is the most vulnerable act one can do. But isn't that what we are called to do? What if our intercessory prayer is sometimes suppose to be done on the sidelines cause after all, it's not about us, it's about Him. It's not whether we're rejected or accepted to be apart of their situation or not,  or whether we feel to much or little. It's about fully embracing the path which God has laid in front of you. It's about obediently lifting someone up and allowing God to hear our heart without any expectation that they fully understand what we're doing. Because just maybe, the change will be seen in the person staring back at us in the mirror just as much as it will be seen in the one we are praying for.

True Intimacy Can Come From True Heartache

Okay I know it’s been a while…a long while. Honestly, I think I have been in a season where I was feeling too much pain and I didn't even want to indulge it much less give it a voice. But somewhere along the way this weekend, I realized that perhaps I needed a manuscript of certain moments so I could remember this part of my journey. So much has happened these past few years that it seems strange to choose this observation to start up my writing because it is quite insignificant compared to countless other moments, but God works in mysterious and marvelous ways. Perhaps this moment will be bigger in the future then it seems today. Either way, I am thankful for this opportunity, even if it will be read by my eyes only. I can’t put words to the feelings at my core but at the surface, I finally feel pity. I have been upset, angry, helpless, frustrated, and mourned over one particular relationship that has defined my entire life. But as I stepped back and watched it from a different perspective, I could see it for what it is and accept it as just that. I used to think if I could just “be” good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, self-sufficient enough, whatever enough that he would want to be a part of my life. After all, I share his DNA. Isn’t it natural to yearn for that relationship to be strong and healthy? Shouldn't it be based on truth, honesty, and safety? I suppose for many it’s not. And don’t misunderstand; it could be far worse than it is. It’s just not the way my heart wants it to be. I want more. But more has a condition. For that person to want to be in my life, I have to be something I’m not. I have to fit into a mold which agrees with their perfect little world. I can’t love Jesus as much as I do. I can’t battle with depression. I can’t have kids that are struggling. I can’t have financial issues. And I most certainly can’t tell him about it if I do. I must pretend to be part of an uppity lifestyle with the nice car, big clean house, financially stable career, great problem free marriage, and kids that are only brag worthy material. But that is not me and certainly not where my life is right now. I don’t know how to wear masks. I am not good at faking it, even just for a day just so I can have a relationship with him. I do understand his conditions and can see that life may seem so blissful in a make believe world, where pain and real issues don’t exist. But I see people. I see the ones holding up “help me” signs and I stop. I enjoy spending time at Celebrate Recovery getting to know the inner depths of people’s heart and realize that my emotional recovery isn't a destination but a process. I want to work with troubled youth, and live life in the trenches, not ignoring them. But where does that leave him and me? I’m not sure. But I contemplate this issue, I saw a correlation between this relationship and the one we often try to have with God. See, we want God to fit into our box. We say, yes Lord, I’ll have a relationship with you as long as you follow these simple steps. As long as long suffering pain and unexpected heartache isn't a part of the plan. I understand there will be rainy days, but they can’t last over a certain season and they can’t all come at me at the same time. If You, Lord will make my life doable, I say all the right churchy things, tithe, even serve when I can. But don’t push me. And don’t mess with the issue I hold tightest in my hand. Everything else is fair game, but not that. I can handle most things as long as You don’t break me. Let the good outweigh the difficult and we’ll be just fine. So what does God do? The only thing a jealous God can do…He points at our hand and says, yes I want that. Funny thing is, most the time He doesn't pry our hands open to get. He asks us to willingly hand it over, which makes the whole thing much more complicated. And sometimes in the rain, it tends to pour. The difficult becomes down right impossible, by human standards that is. It’s not just one thing, but multiple things. And we begin to question why. We look back at our journey and see both the mistakes and obedience. We can easily pick out the grace parts as well as the ones where we followed His direction exactly. So we hurt even more because we don’t understand the path we’re on. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not about all the hardships and circumstances. Maybe it’s about unconditional fellowship, worship, and obedience even when the tough gets a whole lot tougher. Maybe it’s about trusting Him WHEN the bottom falls out time and time again. Maybe it’s about letting our spoken words be seen living out loud in our life. Maybe it’s about embracing the pain of this life so we can experience a deeper intimacy with the One who experienced the pain of the cross. Maybe it’s about not understanding at all and loving and thanking Him anyway!

Dog Paddling To Softer Ground

I have read so many wonderful daily post about what people are thankful for this November that it has inspired me to make my own list. Of course I am thankful for family, friends, military, church, and so forth but I needed a break from swimming in the deep end of self thought so I'm going to paddle over to the shallow end for a minute just to give me the opportunity to recognize the little things in my life that I often over look.

30. when my husband's sport team wins
29. GPS
28. feather boas
27. Tylenol PM
26. DVD player in car
25. credit card
24. winter boots
23. funny facebook posts
22. hair band
21. chips & salsa
20. sweat shirts
19. windshield wipers
18. crayons
17. push-up bra
16. microwave
15. my cat
14. books on CD
13. loud stereo
12. fireplace
11. fly swatter
10. “pet stain” cleaner
9. camera
8. great tattoo artist
7. Tide
6. the teens in my life
5. changing seasons
4. tears
3. Wednesday morning walks
2. deodorant
1. The fact that I'm not in control But I have a pretty close relationship with the One who is...

How Does A Broken Heart Heal?

If someone who is suppose to love unconditionally, puts limits on that love, is it real? Once a line has been drawn and crossed, can you go back? Can the heart mend itself enough to trust again or is it changed forever? If that particular person has been abandoned over and over again, how can she trust in anyone? Does her heart get hardened to life in general or can she choose to be vulnerable to the unseen? When is it just to much? To much to walk through...to much to bear... to much to hope for something that could possibly destroy her if it didn't come to pass?

I don't know....but I know who does. I have to lean on Him to find the truths I seek and allow that “mustard seed” of faith to take root and grow. This is not a choice. This is desperation. This is the will fighting against years of instincts as I put one foot in front of the other and allow this test to come, whatever the outcome may bring. Let it come....and I will praise You with every last breath I have until the very end.

Bright Eyes

There are many ways one can look at a difficult season. But for a Christian, the ways seem to get complicated based on their understanding of the situation and the perspective at which they view God.

I have recently been reading through Job again. When I was first prompted to go there, a healthy dose of fear dashed through my thoughts. Out of all the books in the Bible, and all the prophets that are spoken of, Job's journey is one that I would rather read about then experience myself. And as so often, I found similar identification in those who love the Lord with the devotion that expands throughout time with the desire to obtain those qualities myself. However, I wanted to keep a safe distance away from the story line as a precaution to what I might truly see just in case He was showing me something I didn't feel strong enough to accept. With that said,today I stopped and opened my heart to whatever God had for me and I couldn't keep my focus off chapter nine, verse 32. As Job was finally at the point of complete and utter devastation, he cries back the defense of not declaring his frustration and remorse in front of God by saying,

He is not a man like me that I might answer him,
that we might confront each other in court.
If only there was someone to arbitrate between us,
to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me,
so that His terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of Him,
But as it now stands with me, I cannot.

To back the story up, we must acknowledge that Job is described as being “blameless and upright , fearing God and shunning evil” (chap. 1 vs. 1). I believe that those characteristics must go hand and hand. As I observed the world in it's chaotic state, I notice there is no fear in people. We are a culture that does what we want when we want. I am floored every time I hear God's name used in vein. To simply say it in random expression or to vent it out in an emotion that is far from the honor and respect it deserves.

The second major connection that pulls at my heart is the wording in the above passage. He is directly exposing the need for a link that fills the gap between us and God. There was no possible way such a connection could be made except through His own making. I believe this is especially important to stop and think about since we are days away from Easter. Tomorrow is Good-Friday. The day that marks the surrender of Christ into the hands of the Jews to be the final sacrifice for all our sins. It is in that, and only that act that allows us to come in front of God with the confidence that a remorseful heart allows. We, unlike Job, have a man that intervenes on our behalf and it is in the equal balance of fear that keeps us from evil and humbleness in knowing it is only through Him, we have the right to be in His presence can we have the intimacy that He offers to all.

My dear children, I write this to you so that you WILL not sin.
But if anybody does sin,
we have One who speaks to the Father in our defense-
Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. - 1 John 2:1

Today is A New Day

I know it has been a while since I have written. Perhaps it was because God has had me in a very vulnerable place and I just wasn’t ready to share yet. But He has been preparing me to get out of the boat and to trust that what follows is His will so here I am…

As I have made certain observations, I have realized that there is a fine line between the broken and the healed. Obedience is the balance that keeps from falling off one side to other. I have witnessed the lives of those around me and have embraced the idea that I could have made very similar choices if I had been put in their position, which leaves no room for judgment. As a matter of fact, where perhaps one may think, “how did they get there?” I think, “Oh God, I understand how they got there and am so thankful I have learned dependence (on you) when it did”.

In that, my prayer has been that I can become confident in whatever purpose God has for me. If it’s being the link between the broken and the healed, then give me wisdom to move towards those opportunities. If it’s exposing the pain in my past to help another see that God can override any heartache, then give me the words to do so. If it’s just being available to a wounded heart, then open up those relationships. Whatever it is, please help me to grow into it.

Sometimes I look at where I once was and where I am now and think that no one can possibly understand the depths of that transformation. The dark days seem almost unbearable to remember now and the Spiritual highs are equally hard to process. But I think that God wants me to hang onto those memories to give reality and encouragement to others and myself. I sometimes still question His timing. Just as I struggled with the need to have “all my ducks” in order before allowing forgiveness to penetrate my heart fully, I also struggle with needing to feel a “bit more perfected” before I believe God will use me in such capacities. But both are impossibilities that only God can make possible. It is only through stepping out in faith can we fully grow into what we hope to be. It is in that position of obedience through faith can we move beyond ourselves because it is only when we die to self do we fully gain the power He offers to all.

So to all those sweet souls who have asked, “what are you doing now?”... now that I have graduated and my youngest started school… I boldly say, “I am waiting on the Lord.” I am working through thirty years of bad habits, protective instincts, and false highs that momentarily helped me cover up my pain. I am learning to trust in people without any expectation in return. I am gaining the confidence to step out of my comfort zone to obediently walk where fear has kept me from walking in the past. And in the end, I know that my career will collide with my passion and purpose. God’s timing is perfect and His promises are true. I trust that when that door is open, I will not only recognize it but I will be equipped to handle it a little at a time. That just seems to be how He works on me…one day at a time.

He is Big Enough!

Well this week has definitely stretched me beyond my means. I realize now that I have been holding onto certain ideals and expectations of God that I had no understanding of or even comprehended the magnitude of their existence. As I ponder all the scenarios that I have laid at Christ’s feet in surrenderence, I SEE there are few that I hold willingly in my grasp.

As I have grown in my faith, I understand that God is pushing me to move past certain reactions and tendencies that have been my “safety measures” against being hurt. It is when my heart is exposed to being let down that the vulnerability of my expectations crowd out all sense of judgment that I know defines a Christ follower. It is in those instances that I react as the “old” me instead of the “new” me. I then proceed to typically distance myself both emotionally and physically from the situation (which could be perceived as running). It, however, is not out of anger or frustration (at least that’s what I tell myself) that I place a water bank between the situation and myself but out of fear of continuing the negative reaction. So what is girl to do? I read His Word daily, have constant prayer, and strive to be the person God wants me to be and yet fail miserably at every attempt.

I have slowly relinquished these silent expectations to God aloud this week, I SEE that by exposing the deep issues, He is forcing me to deal with them. It is my natural desire to run when the going gets tough. Just because my loyalties and love never change in the relationship, the absence of communication shapes and distorts it in similar and destructive ways.

So I sit here looking inward and ask God to help me look at the greatest fears I have and to give me strength to push through the “what ifs”. What if my oldest feels rejected and unloved despite my very best efforts? What if those I depend on most reject the One I hold highest? What if I make a bigger mess out of every situation I enter into? What if my motives are misunderstood and I fail to show love in the way my heart was designed to? What if I lay everything on the line and it is still not good enough, will I be able to stand afterwards or will it completely destroy me?

God answers me by asking “What if? ”. What if any or all those things happen? If they do, I will be there to catch you. I will be there to embrace your suffering. I will be there to fulfill all the areas that you unknowingly look to others to fulfill and in return they will be free to supply your overflow.

Then I asked, “How can I be trusted to not react when I do so easily even against my efforts not to?” His answer to me is, “continue to move forward and if you take a step back, we will deal with that process together. Be obedient in the areas I have shown you and you will persevere through this time without truly realizing the growth you are making within.”

While I rest in His presence to help me walk and grow through this season, I look ahead and draw strength on His promises that help me endure:

SEE! The winter is past;
The rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
The season of singing has come.
–Song of Songs 2:11-12