The idea of friendship was somewhat of an aloof concept when I was younger. Sure I had people in my life, but they were always kept at a comfortable distance away so that real intimacy could never be established. There was this unconscious fear that if they knew me, I mean really knew me, they would reject me. The Psychology field calls one who uses this defense as someone who suffers from “abandonment issues”. However, I believe we all hold back pieces of ourselves for one reason or another, but it just so happened that I didn’t really like myself so how could I really expect anyone else to.
One of the first things God pressed upon me to do when He removed my childhood shackles was to lay my guard at His feet. Of course I was not ready to do such things so I concentrated on my relationship with Him. Anytime we dig deeper in Him, faith is created and that is exactly what is needed when He pushes us to go further then we have before. “ Faith is the substance hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb 11:1). So what does that mean?
Many people don’t even know what to hope for because they are so paralyzed in their circumstance. It becomes apart of who they are and what creates their idea of balance in their life. If they were to loose grasp of that identity, they fear something far worse awaits them. So the issue of just letting go should not be an option. Grabbing onto something that is worthy of grabbing onto should be the goal. This is how it was for me. Once I truly trusted that God is Who He said He is, that I am one of the many He sacrificed His life for, and nothing could separate me from Him (except my stubborn will), I ran to Him.
This intimacy allowed me to feel what no human relationship could (even at their best) offer. It opened my heart to love, to have compassion, to care about people like I never knew was possible. Yes, this also made me vulnerable to rejection, pain, and heartache but that is what He calls us to do. That is what Jesus did for us. How can I deny that part if I am to receive all the blessings that accompany it? In return, my hope changed its substance to see things that aren’t visible to the eye. My faith was transformed in so many avenues of my life including my relationships with those I interact with.
People are not just names and faces to me. They are lives full of wisdom and experiences. They are God’s people created for a purpose. They are made up of love, passion, and pain. We were put here in this time to journey through life together. It may only be for a passing moment or it my be for a decade, but either way, God calls us to put ourselves out there so that He becomes the fingerprint that leaves the lasting impression of those we encounter. How can we not be that vessel for Him?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Is It Okay to Be Scared?
The word FAITH has a quality that automatically stands for trust, assurance, and a peaceful rest that overrides any waiver. So is it right for one to claim to be faithful if the underlining emotion is sometimes frightened?
I believe yes. The emotion of fear is not so wrong, but our reaction to it is what makes all the difference. Our natural state of being relies on what we see, feel, and touch. The world often dictates what that should be, so it is normal to be affected by that response, which inevitably makes us human. However, it is imperative that we continue moving forward from that state of mind into one that puts God into the driver’s seat.
When that shift is made, there is power that extends from knowledge to reality. In other words, a leap of faith is needed before the frightened emotions can subside. We have to believe God’s Word in order to see it come to life. In no way does that change the existence of it, just the sight at which we see it.
God is who He is. Nothing we do will change that. But if we want to live life as it was purposed, we must follow a path that demands more from us. This growth stems from encountering things that scare us. Every situation is different. Every circumstance that is allowed to come into our life is specified to draw out greater strengths then if we had not encountered it. It will be woven into a blanket of other circumstances that will ultimately bring great glory to our Father.
So how do we press on? How do we make it past the steps that feel like they have the power to crush us? How do we focus on the promises instead of the current storm, which we are placed? I know the first response for me is to acknowledge it and its value in my life. To say to Christ (and myself) “I am scared but not scared enough. I will not renounce the power this situation has to be useful in my life”.
As we move into the later stages of time, there is a greater need to not hide from the desires that dwell within. We are bombarded with issues that seek to destroy God’s chosen. We are told to “go forth and make disciples”. Where do you think these disciples will come from? Yes some are found in the churches, but many will be found in the streets. Many are caught up in addiction, pain, depression, and loneliness. Many have been hurt from the rejection of a church. Many long to find a medication that will awaken their soul, but have only found dissatisfaction as their method of escape has only made them fall deeper into their personal pit.
So what do we do? We use our fear to meet people where they are. We expose the lies that the deceiver plants, and help them to see that we, just like them, have been caught in our weakness. We show them the strength that comes from laying everything on the line and choosing God above the fear. We empower them by allowing a candid view of our vulnerable spots so they can draw courage to encounter their own.
I believe yes. The emotion of fear is not so wrong, but our reaction to it is what makes all the difference. Our natural state of being relies on what we see, feel, and touch. The world often dictates what that should be, so it is normal to be affected by that response, which inevitably makes us human. However, it is imperative that we continue moving forward from that state of mind into one that puts God into the driver’s seat.
When that shift is made, there is power that extends from knowledge to reality. In other words, a leap of faith is needed before the frightened emotions can subside. We have to believe God’s Word in order to see it come to life. In no way does that change the existence of it, just the sight at which we see it.
God is who He is. Nothing we do will change that. But if we want to live life as it was purposed, we must follow a path that demands more from us. This growth stems from encountering things that scare us. Every situation is different. Every circumstance that is allowed to come into our life is specified to draw out greater strengths then if we had not encountered it. It will be woven into a blanket of other circumstances that will ultimately bring great glory to our Father.
So how do we press on? How do we make it past the steps that feel like they have the power to crush us? How do we focus on the promises instead of the current storm, which we are placed? I know the first response for me is to acknowledge it and its value in my life. To say to Christ (and myself) “I am scared but not scared enough. I will not renounce the power this situation has to be useful in my life”.
As we move into the later stages of time, there is a greater need to not hide from the desires that dwell within. We are bombarded with issues that seek to destroy God’s chosen. We are told to “go forth and make disciples”. Where do you think these disciples will come from? Yes some are found in the churches, but many will be found in the streets. Many are caught up in addiction, pain, depression, and loneliness. Many have been hurt from the rejection of a church. Many long to find a medication that will awaken their soul, but have only found dissatisfaction as their method of escape has only made them fall deeper into their personal pit.
So what do we do? We use our fear to meet people where they are. We expose the lies that the deceiver plants, and help them to see that we, just like them, have been caught in our weakness. We show them the strength that comes from laying everything on the line and choosing God above the fear. We empower them by allowing a candid view of our vulnerable spots so they can draw courage to encounter their own.
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Courage and Clumsiness of a Passionate Heart
As I have become more aware of the generation of youth that are coming of age, I see such potential. Their exterior shows such anger, frustration, and loss but if one would stop and look a little deeper they would see loyalty, passion, and an eagerness to be seen. With the technology boom at an all time high, there is a greater risk to losing one’s self then ever before. Temptations are handed out like candy and expectations are forced on them from all angles (many times at the opposite extremes in the spectrum). What is interesting to me is that this is not a time when we question those who are struggling in this type of environment, it is the ones who navigate through with no identity crisis that have me worried.
If one can change their temperament, their ideals, and their outward exposure to fit in with the adult world as well as the “underground” world that most youth sneak into, they have figured out a way to shift from one self to another without any breakage. This generation, if given the chance to be seen and heard, will make a difference on our future as a whole. If the passion that often begins with questions somehow finds the only source that will truly satisfy its concerns, an unmistakable power will emerge. The painful part in this equation lies in the ups and downs that happen in this process. As a general rule, the passion is formulated from holes that come from a severed heart. The clumsiness of trying to find their own way and the loneliness that concludes this path creates a false barrier of protection from encountering more loss. But this illusion usually just results in falling deeper into an isolated crowd that also identifies with this confused state of mind. They are looking to belong, to be part of a group, to be understood, even if its bond is a masked sense of self.
If one can change their temperament, their ideals, and their outward exposure to fit in with the adult world as well as the “underground” world that most youth sneak into, they have figured out a way to shift from one self to another without any breakage. This generation, if given the chance to be seen and heard, will make a difference on our future as a whole. If the passion that often begins with questions somehow finds the only source that will truly satisfy its concerns, an unmistakable power will emerge. The painful part in this equation lies in the ups and downs that happen in this process. As a general rule, the passion is formulated from holes that come from a severed heart. The clumsiness of trying to find their own way and the loneliness that concludes this path creates a false barrier of protection from encountering more loss. But this illusion usually just results in falling deeper into an isolated crowd that also identifies with this confused state of mind. They are looking to belong, to be part of a group, to be understood, even if its bond is a masked sense of self.
So what would happen if an adult, a little farther along their path, with some experience, came along their side and was able to penetrate their masquerade? Would accusation be the answer? Fire and brimstone? How about intolerance? Would that change their behavior?
How about a new approach… how about a listening ear, or a compassionate heart? How about grace and unconditional love? There has to be a difference between parental boundaries and “do what I say because I say so” (which is usually contradicted by unconsciously saying “do what I say and not what I do). This is the world I feel compelled to walk into; where my scraped elbows and blood shot bruises will be used. This is hopefully where my clumsiness in the past becomes my avenue to "getting in" so that God's healing will be seen and not heard. Only He has the power to use their (and my) passion to make a difference.
How about a new approach… how about a listening ear, or a compassionate heart? How about grace and unconditional love? There has to be a difference between parental boundaries and “do what I say because I say so” (which is usually contradicted by unconsciously saying “do what I say and not what I do). This is the world I feel compelled to walk into; where my scraped elbows and blood shot bruises will be used. This is hopefully where my clumsiness in the past becomes my avenue to "getting in" so that God's healing will be seen and not heard. Only He has the power to use their (and my) passion to make a difference.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Is being in love with God like being in love with anything else?
I mean once that intimacy is opened and revelations are revealed, does the consistent contentment waiver in the giver or receiver? Does the choice to listen and obey over shadow other elements or am I left to believe that my part in it has far less control then that? Am I a slave to my feelings, experiences, and tendencies, or can I choose to listen to what I know to be true and rely on the strength that I am promised in my daily readings?
While I have been constant in spending time in His presence, I am stunned by the lack of certainty that my passion offers. As I slip into moments of uncomfortable conformity, I battle with the refusal to accept such notions. I know what I know with little room for doubt, yet my thought of typical complacency will not disappear. The chaos that once led my emotions threatens to return just out of sheer frustration. I act or most likely react in mannerisms that frighten my ability to ever truly change.
My heart wants the longing it once felt because that is what kept me from misdirection. However, the calm still waters are to easily understood and represent a fear that I am sure is harder to face then the uneven terrain a valley offers. This position gives subtle acceptance of an ordinary life that somewhat questions the reality I was exposed to. It tells me that I should just settle for doing things in my best effort and good enough is really just that…good enough.
But to be completely honest, that understanding, although tempting, wages a war within my soul like no other. If I were to take hold and allow that truth to dig deep I would lose myself all together. Who am I if I denounce what has saved me? I am nothing…I am a leaf in the clouds awaiting a powerful gust of wind take me from place to place. Instead I choose to be attached to a grounded and stable tree as I blow around with such questions. So, I wait. I wait for my heart to align with my knowledge, I await supernatural proof that He is much more then so many claim, I wait for my eyes to see what they have been shown before…I wait expectantly and patiently for His love to drown out any uncertainties that I face in the present moment.
While I have been constant in spending time in His presence, I am stunned by the lack of certainty that my passion offers. As I slip into moments of uncomfortable conformity, I battle with the refusal to accept such notions. I know what I know with little room for doubt, yet my thought of typical complacency will not disappear. The chaos that once led my emotions threatens to return just out of sheer frustration. I act or most likely react in mannerisms that frighten my ability to ever truly change.
My heart wants the longing it once felt because that is what kept me from misdirection. However, the calm still waters are to easily understood and represent a fear that I am sure is harder to face then the uneven terrain a valley offers. This position gives subtle acceptance of an ordinary life that somewhat questions the reality I was exposed to. It tells me that I should just settle for doing things in my best effort and good enough is really just that…good enough.
But to be completely honest, that understanding, although tempting, wages a war within my soul like no other. If I were to take hold and allow that truth to dig deep I would lose myself all together. Who am I if I denounce what has saved me? I am nothing…I am a leaf in the clouds awaiting a powerful gust of wind take me from place to place. Instead I choose to be attached to a grounded and stable tree as I blow around with such questions. So, I wait. I wait for my heart to align with my knowledge, I await supernatural proof that He is much more then so many claim, I wait for my eyes to see what they have been shown before…I wait expectantly and patiently for His love to drown out any uncertainties that I face in the present moment.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Revisiting My Commitment
A New Beginning
4-15-09
My Lord, My Savior,
I am dedicating this journey to you as a prayer of thanksgiving, a memory of where you have brought me, and as a hope to where you are taking me. I thank you for seeing in me what I cannot see in myself and ask for strength and courage as I step out on this rough water in faith.
I will honestly say that I am a bit scarred about my ability to do all that you have before me but I have complete faith and trust that you will not lead me down a path that will not end in your glory. I place all my dreams in you and lay myself at your feet. I only ask for a short time of refreshment and growth before we start. Please purify my soul and melt off any iniquities that might place barriers between my heart and yours. I humbly give myself to you and desire to follow where you guide.
I am so awe stricken right now. Why do you choose those who are weak? Did I not dishonor you or bring shame in your presence? I ask for complete forgiveness as I am a work in progress and pray that each passing day brings a change from within that allows the outside world to see your face in me. Please cover my ears to the temptation that causes me to turn away. Allow your words to rise up inside and cause an unending aftertaste of sweet refreshment as the power to resist such pits.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 explains the need for thorns and Paul was no exception, as nor I. I will embrace this trial as a promise that your strength will overpower it and I will speak of your glory in a greater magnitude then I would if you had removed it. For I know that as pain fades, so does its’ power to remember. So I praise you for your grace that rains down on me, for your acceptance that sees past my imperfections, and for loving me in a way that cannot be returned to you.
You are my breath, my heartbeat, my tears. Let me not forget this moment’s promise. I will walk through fire if that is your plan. I cry out in desperation that you don’t let go of my hand for one second because I am nothing without you.
4-15-09
My Lord, My Savior,
I am dedicating this journey to you as a prayer of thanksgiving, a memory of where you have brought me, and as a hope to where you are taking me. I thank you for seeing in me what I cannot see in myself and ask for strength and courage as I step out on this rough water in faith.
I will honestly say that I am a bit scarred about my ability to do all that you have before me but I have complete faith and trust that you will not lead me down a path that will not end in your glory. I place all my dreams in you and lay myself at your feet. I only ask for a short time of refreshment and growth before we start. Please purify my soul and melt off any iniquities that might place barriers between my heart and yours. I humbly give myself to you and desire to follow where you guide.
I am so awe stricken right now. Why do you choose those who are weak? Did I not dishonor you or bring shame in your presence? I ask for complete forgiveness as I am a work in progress and pray that each passing day brings a change from within that allows the outside world to see your face in me. Please cover my ears to the temptation that causes me to turn away. Allow your words to rise up inside and cause an unending aftertaste of sweet refreshment as the power to resist such pits.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 explains the need for thorns and Paul was no exception, as nor I. I will embrace this trial as a promise that your strength will overpower it and I will speak of your glory in a greater magnitude then I would if you had removed it. For I know that as pain fades, so does its’ power to remember. So I praise you for your grace that rains down on me, for your acceptance that sees past my imperfections, and for loving me in a way that cannot be returned to you.
You are my breath, my heartbeat, my tears. Let me not forget this moment’s promise. I will walk through fire if that is your plan. I cry out in desperation that you don’t let go of my hand for one second because I am nothing without you.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Is Not Being Seen Worse Then Being Rejected?
Right now I have so much pain and anger boiling up inside that my words will be few for fear that I will rant and rave over issues that I clearly “feel” justified in having…
Although my heart still vents with frustration I take comfort in knowing that it doesn’t matter what harm is done in my name. It is really about my ability to forgive and even though they will never truly embrace their part in the ongoing arrows that are thrown, it is God who lives within that accepts the blunt force of the strikes. It is my cooperation in understanding that reality that gives me the power to release such control.
Although my heart still vents with frustration I take comfort in knowing that it doesn’t matter what harm is done in my name. It is really about my ability to forgive and even though they will never truly embrace their part in the ongoing arrows that are thrown, it is God who lives within that accepts the blunt force of the strikes. It is my cooperation in understanding that reality that gives me the power to release such control.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Does Anyone Have a White Flag I can Borrow?
Ever feel like you work hard to reach a goal, only to find that the success of it brings a somewhat disappointing climax? Well, that’s exactly how I am feeling. I am stuck in that moment and am having a hard time pressing through. I look around and see that life keeps moving forward while I remain suspended in some sort of unexplainable realm waiting for something “spectacular” to happen. I know these are just feelings and my recent graduation has closed a pretty important chapter in my life, but come on- I thought there would be some pressure release...some excitement to “get started”, some sort of unexplainable joy that strengthened me to know exactly what to do and to know how to do it…
Look, I know what is going on, at least psychologically. I know that what ever happens from this point on still commands hard work and trust in the unseen, however…I was not prepared to feel like my greatest force that stands against me is myself and that the harder I push to understand the reality of it all, the more rebellious I feel.
I guess my point in finally articulating this is admitting to myself that I…well, I need His strength more now then ever before. Please be in prayer with me that as I take steps in obedience my feelings will follow and…well, I can find rest where I at, no matter where that is…
Look, I know what is going on, at least psychologically. I know that what ever happens from this point on still commands hard work and trust in the unseen, however…I was not prepared to feel like my greatest force that stands against me is myself and that the harder I push to understand the reality of it all, the more rebellious I feel.
I guess my point in finally articulating this is admitting to myself that I…well, I need His strength more now then ever before. Please be in prayer with me that as I take steps in obedience my feelings will follow and…well, I can find rest where I at, no matter where that is…
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