When we are hurt, we tend to store up the negatives until they reach a point of irruption. One, me in particular, usually releases them when it really has very little to do with what they are upset about. But non-the less, the fury is felt, and there is clean up to be done. The situation is seen as their fault because they handled the explosion so poorly. So nothing is solved and nothing changes. The cycle continues and the hurtful feelings mound up.
So where do you go from here? Unless one is willing to let the secrets and trash talk lie by swallowing their pride long enough to say there were perhaps wrong, when inside they feel that is only partly true, things remain the same. Can we really forgive when the other party denies their part? Instinctually I would yes because that is what I would presume to be the right answer but my heart reacts differently. It seems easier to march on and keep those hurts bottled up inside then to let them go. But I recently heard someone say “ you can endure much when you realize how much grace you have been given”.
As I have pondered over the application of that thought these past few days I see the value in such a statement. But how do you make that a reality when feelings tend to override the truth? How do you remain in the relationship when these miscommunications still happen? Someone close to me said that people are who they are and we have no persuasion in changing them. I heard Joyce Meyer say that we have to choose to not be offended; that it is less about them and more about us.
So if I take what I know to be truth from the Bible and add it to the information given by the respected speakers who have talked on this matter, then I will get a plate that is rich in love and forgiveness. But in order for the nutrients to satisfy, I have to push away the fried and fatty feelings of self-righteousness and the need to be heard, right? It must be an intentional response that is required daily for me to see the change in my own behavior and response. However, just as any new discipline is created, there will be a need for determination because such change is never easy. Our mind, just like our body, falls back into what feels comfortable. And if we haven’t worked that particular muscle in a while it is out of shape and weak.
So to all those who feel that they need a little encouragement I would like to remind you of David’s words in Psalms:
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. –Psalm139: 13-14 (The Message)
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:24 (New International Version)
Finish what you started in me, GOD.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now. (138:8b- The Message)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Andria’s Top 10 List…
of things I sometimes take for granted and want to recognize and give thanks for NOW.
10) Two working (and paid off) cars
9) Our dog, who protects our family (she’s a Great Pyrenees)
8) A great pediatrician (who gave me his pager number)
7) An honorable school district
6) Beautiful sunsets
5) A best friend who “gets me” (which I fully admit is hard to do)
4) Parents who love me unconditionally (even when they don’t get me)
3) A terrific church home
2) My children’s good overall health (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)
and 1) My husband (who moves beyond a friend, supporter, lover, and confidant into something that my vocabulary cannot explain) I often forget to say thank you for the things you do. Your affection and help have spoiled me and I want you to know that my world truly does revolve around you. You are my better half and I could not have chosen a more perfect mate (for me) if I had searched the entire globe.
So to all these things…I want to give God praises for providing far more then I imagined. I am but one soul that He sees and provides for. I am humbled and honored for the gifts He gives and feel blessed to an over flow.
10) Two working (and paid off) cars
9) Our dog, who protects our family (she’s a Great Pyrenees)
8) A great pediatrician (who gave me his pager number)
7) An honorable school district
6) Beautiful sunsets
5) A best friend who “gets me” (which I fully admit is hard to do)
4) Parents who love me unconditionally (even when they don’t get me)
3) A terrific church home
2) My children’s good overall health (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)
and 1) My husband (who moves beyond a friend, supporter, lover, and confidant into something that my vocabulary cannot explain) I often forget to say thank you for the things you do. Your affection and help have spoiled me and I want you to know that my world truly does revolve around you. You are my better half and I could not have chosen a more perfect mate (for me) if I had searched the entire globe.
So to all these things…I want to give God praises for providing far more then I imagined. I am but one soul that He sees and provides for. I am humbled and honored for the gifts He gives and feel blessed to an over flow.
Friday, January 15, 2010
To Fear Is To Live
The Bible is flowing with scripture that tells us that we should fear the Lord. There is Deut. 6:13: Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. (NIV), 1 Samuel 12: 24 But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (NIV), 2 Chronicles 19:7 Now let the fear of the LORD be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the LORD our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery. (NIV), Luke 12:5 But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. (NIV), Revelation 14:7 He said in a loud voice, "Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water." (NIV) This particular word is written approximately 400 times and additional references made through others. So what does it mean exactly? I have had ideals of this word to only mean: reverence, and awe towards God, but upon farther investigation in The Word and through the Holy Spirit I am understanding it to mean: a sense of impending danger, to be alarmed in such a way to cause a changed course.
In our society today, many rely on the compassionate side of God. They say and do things they know are wrong because they have been taught that we have a kind and forgiving God. And yes that is true, but only to an extent. He is also a just and Holy God and requires that we live a righteous and pure life. In our “outer living” that can only be done part of the time because our actions are intertwined with other people and we are sinful by nature. Therefore it is impossible to remain righteous in action 100%. However, our hearts are to remain pure and focused on God at all times so that the power we pull from comes from the interaction with God and our daily relationship in Him. This will allow us to hear The Spirit more clear when trouble arises and will pull us back when we start to fall. This cannot happen if a life is continually seeking self-motives and ignoring the truths that God has given.
Another term that has recently caught my eye is “hardened hearts”. We see the idea appear in Geneses 4 from Cain after he realized that God wasn’t happy with his offering and in Exodus 17 when the Israelites’ unbelief demanded more. Then there are the disciples that questioned Jesus in Mark 6:52 and again in Mark 8:17. The connections between these two ideas are simple. When we fear the Lord, we rely on the promise that we will not let our hearts harden. He promises to give strength to the weak and protect those who keep His Word. But our part in the process is to believe that we must have complete and total faith in the wrath part of Him as well. He will let our heart be overtaken by our desires if we trust in them more then in Him. The fear is our insurance policy that when sin comes knocking at our door, He will not allow our hearts to become hardened because we are more frightened of the disconnect and the consequences that will come soon after.
God has allowed each of us another day today, which is the perfect opportunity to turn from whatever is coming between a fulfilled life and us. He gave some of His children in scripture the “warning bells” needed to return and seek where they had drifted. Some chose to listen and others allowed the hardened process to continue until they reached their demise. I ask…where are you in this process? Are you tucked safely under His wing or are you drifting in the wind? It is not to late to return now but who knows if you will have another tomorrow. Each will be judge accordingly on their judgment day and all we know for sure is that it is drawing nearer each second we let pass by.
Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 (NIV)
In our society today, many rely on the compassionate side of God. They say and do things they know are wrong because they have been taught that we have a kind and forgiving God. And yes that is true, but only to an extent. He is also a just and Holy God and requires that we live a righteous and pure life. In our “outer living” that can only be done part of the time because our actions are intertwined with other people and we are sinful by nature. Therefore it is impossible to remain righteous in action 100%. However, our hearts are to remain pure and focused on God at all times so that the power we pull from comes from the interaction with God and our daily relationship in Him. This will allow us to hear The Spirit more clear when trouble arises and will pull us back when we start to fall. This cannot happen if a life is continually seeking self-motives and ignoring the truths that God has given.
Another term that has recently caught my eye is “hardened hearts”. We see the idea appear in Geneses 4 from Cain after he realized that God wasn’t happy with his offering and in Exodus 17 when the Israelites’ unbelief demanded more. Then there are the disciples that questioned Jesus in Mark 6:52 and again in Mark 8:17. The connections between these two ideas are simple. When we fear the Lord, we rely on the promise that we will not let our hearts harden. He promises to give strength to the weak and protect those who keep His Word. But our part in the process is to believe that we must have complete and total faith in the wrath part of Him as well. He will let our heart be overtaken by our desires if we trust in them more then in Him. The fear is our insurance policy that when sin comes knocking at our door, He will not allow our hearts to become hardened because we are more frightened of the disconnect and the consequences that will come soon after.
God has allowed each of us another day today, which is the perfect opportunity to turn from whatever is coming between a fulfilled life and us. He gave some of His children in scripture the “warning bells” needed to return and seek where they had drifted. Some chose to listen and others allowed the hardened process to continue until they reached their demise. I ask…where are you in this process? Are you tucked safely under His wing or are you drifting in the wind? It is not to late to return now but who knows if you will have another tomorrow. Each will be judge accordingly on their judgment day and all we know for sure is that it is drawing nearer each second we let pass by.
Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 (NIV)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
It Is Impossible To Not Wake A Sleeping Bear
I am not sure how ready I am to discuss this subject but I believe God is impressing on me the relevance it could potentially have on other women so please bare with me if I fumble through this a bit…
I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.
I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.
If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.
Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.
I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.
I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.
If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.
Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.
Friday, December 25, 2009
A White Christmas…and I’m Not Talking About The Snow
With all the overwhelming inner changes that have been happening in my life it was impossible to enter into this holiday season just like any other. So my husband and I made the decision to go gift free. That means no gifts from mom and dad and no gifts from “Santa”. We have made slight changes to our routine in the past (like having the eager Hallmark morning scene the day after) but never have we cut gifts out all together. It has been quite an adventure, to say the least, to explain to a four year old the true meaning of Christmas but her heart is so full of truth that I had faith that God would calm the confusion where my words left gaps. I did however worry if my children would feel a little disappointed because I openly admit that I usually go a tad bit overboard when it comes to buying for them. I think somewhere deep inside I felt loved by giving and receiving and even though I would not claim that as my true Love Language (for those who have read Gary Chapman’s book) I had adopted it through years of experience.
It started with a perfect day at home yesterday while we finished watching a trilogy on DVD. Then I ventured out to church for a couple of services while my family stayed at home because my youngest wasn’t feeling her best. Before I knew it, it was almost 8 o’clock and I was making the journey back from Keller to Haslet. (Even though it was a drive I will never forget, I am going to savor that experience between God and I.) As soon as I returned home, my husband left to rescue my mom from a completely different experience while driving on the ice and an hour and a half later, they safely walked through the door. We then ate all the snacks we could get our hands on, played a ridiculously long game of Wha Who, and topped off our evening with the Christmas Story. As I panned the room and saw my children’s eyes glean in the firelight, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed. As the time read 4am, I remembered those late nights I spent wrapping every Christmas Eve in anticipation of their faces as they opened those gifts. It was in that exact instant that I saw a sweeter, softer glow that we were all together; doing something that truly was priceless, and my joy overwhelmed me. As the next morning came, well really early afternoon, we woke them up with a birthday cake for Jesus and hot chocolate for breakfast.
I am so proud of my family. My children, my husband, our closest friends, and my parents all played specific parts in allowing our Christmas to fully be centered on its true meaning. And when I look back to this time, I will cherish every second of it. Even though I am feeling physically under the weather, I am flying pretty high above it spiritually. I realize that everything I have is a gift from the one who sacrificed it all. Everyday I am becoming more and more aware of the treasures I have and so often took for granted. This season I got to witness the best part of my children. Life is hard and is often unfair, but when God’s gifts are recognized, anything is possible.
It started with a perfect day at home yesterday while we finished watching a trilogy on DVD. Then I ventured out to church for a couple of services while my family stayed at home because my youngest wasn’t feeling her best. Before I knew it, it was almost 8 o’clock and I was making the journey back from Keller to Haslet. (Even though it was a drive I will never forget, I am going to savor that experience between God and I.) As soon as I returned home, my husband left to rescue my mom from a completely different experience while driving on the ice and an hour and a half later, they safely walked through the door. We then ate all the snacks we could get our hands on, played a ridiculously long game of Wha Who, and topped off our evening with the Christmas Story. As I panned the room and saw my children’s eyes glean in the firelight, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed. As the time read 4am, I remembered those late nights I spent wrapping every Christmas Eve in anticipation of their faces as they opened those gifts. It was in that exact instant that I saw a sweeter, softer glow that we were all together; doing something that truly was priceless, and my joy overwhelmed me. As the next morning came, well really early afternoon, we woke them up with a birthday cake for Jesus and hot chocolate for breakfast.
I am so proud of my family. My children, my husband, our closest friends, and my parents all played specific parts in allowing our Christmas to fully be centered on its true meaning. And when I look back to this time, I will cherish every second of it. Even though I am feeling physically under the weather, I am flying pretty high above it spiritually. I realize that everything I have is a gift from the one who sacrificed it all. Everyday I am becoming more and more aware of the treasures I have and so often took for granted. This season I got to witness the best part of my children. Life is hard and is often unfair, but when God’s gifts are recognized, anything is possible.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Sightings of the Rainbow
If this is what growth feels like, then I am in. I can say that I am being taken places that I could not have even imagined. I have held so much inside for so long that I completely lost myself. In hopes of not coming across harsh and needy, I apparently did the exact opposite. For fear of being misjudged or rejected I never let my true feelings known. Oddly enough, I messed up in the recent debut of letting them out, but they are out non-the-less. I feel cleansed for the first time ever. It was almost as if those feeling were toxins that charged the way to every other emotion I had and then exploded over issues that were not even related to the source of my pain. But now, I can feel the difference. I have let known the issues that have haunted and defined me so I can now truly forgive and move forward. I do however feel extremely guilty about the learning curve that took place in expressing them but hope that someday those involved will understand.
I would recommend not waiting twenty years to say what needs to be said because as the resentment and cover-up continues, so does the alteration in the relationship. And then when the delivery is forced and done incorrectly, hurt feelings all around are created. The clean up at this point seems impossible but I have faith that it can be rebuilt when the time is right. So to those who know what I am talking about, I say “thank you” and “I am sorry”. I realize we all do the best we can do but my journey is pushing me to move beyond my best into areas that require more. My love and acceptance for you is unconditional, I pray that yours is the same for me.
I would recommend not waiting twenty years to say what needs to be said because as the resentment and cover-up continues, so does the alteration in the relationship. And then when the delivery is forced and done incorrectly, hurt feelings all around are created. The clean up at this point seems impossible but I have faith that it can be rebuilt when the time is right. So to those who know what I am talking about, I say “thank you” and “I am sorry”. I realize we all do the best we can do but my journey is pushing me to move beyond my best into areas that require more. My love and acceptance for you is unconditional, I pray that yours is the same for me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
In the Eye of the Storm
What does spiritual transformation look like? I believe it looks different depending on the person. This may be because there are different things that need to take place in each person’s life before they are equipped to carry out their intended purpose. The real question is how will those within that person’s life react to the transformation? This for me has been the hardest part. Those who should love with unconditional amounts are left not understanding and therefore in position to interpret this change as they always have. When they look to this change with the perception that you are as you have been in the past, they are left reacting instead of actually seeing. They completely miss the realities of what is actually being said to hear things that is twisted into another meaning all together.
As this has been my life for a month now, I need to give praise where it is due. God has supplied me with such strength where my typical weakness would have immerged. I am a person who would have fought to the death to get my point across. But God is teaching me that sometimes it is best to stay authentic when asked and quiet when judged. It really wouldn’t matter what words came from my mouth unless they were the ones that the other person wanted to hear. But in that cycle of trying to be who they wanted me to be, I would internalize my position, which devastated any hope of change.
So in the mists of misinterpretation and utter untruths being said about my name I thank God for taking me into His word to find peace. I thank those who do know me and stand by me.
As I have recently told a friend, “I don’t know where He is taking us but I have to admit that I am a bit shocked by the route we are taking to get there. I do however, have complete faith in our Guide”. So I will rest in that and pray continuously for those around me to see the truth.
As this has been my life for a month now, I need to give praise where it is due. God has supplied me with such strength where my typical weakness would have immerged. I am a person who would have fought to the death to get my point across. But God is teaching me that sometimes it is best to stay authentic when asked and quiet when judged. It really wouldn’t matter what words came from my mouth unless they were the ones that the other person wanted to hear. But in that cycle of trying to be who they wanted me to be, I would internalize my position, which devastated any hope of change.
So in the mists of misinterpretation and utter untruths being said about my name I thank God for taking me into His word to find peace. I thank those who do know me and stand by me.
As I have recently told a friend, “I don’t know where He is taking us but I have to admit that I am a bit shocked by the route we are taking to get there. I do however, have complete faith in our Guide”. So I will rest in that and pray continuously for those around me to see the truth.
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