A White Christmas…and I’m Not Talking About The Snow

With all the overwhelming inner changes that have been happening in my life it was impossible to enter into this holiday season just like any other. So my husband and I made the decision to go gift free. That means no gifts from mom and dad and no gifts from “Santa”. We have made slight changes to our routine in the past (like having the eager Hallmark morning scene the day after) but never have we cut gifts out all together. It has been quite an adventure, to say the least, to explain to a four year old the true meaning of Christmas but her heart is so full of truth that I had faith that God would calm the confusion where my words left gaps. I did however worry if my children would feel a little disappointed because I openly admit that I usually go a tad bit overboard when it comes to buying for them. I think somewhere deep inside I felt loved by giving and receiving and even though I would not claim that as my true Love Language (for those who have read Gary Chapman’s book) I had adopted it through years of experience.

It started with a perfect day at home yesterday while we finished watching a trilogy on DVD. Then I ventured out to church for a couple of services while my family stayed at home because my youngest wasn’t feeling her best. Before I knew it, it was almost 8 o’clock and I was making the journey back from Keller to Haslet. (Even though it was a drive I will never forget, I am going to savor that experience between God and I.) As soon as I returned home, my husband left to rescue my mom from a completely different experience while driving on the ice and an hour and a half later, they safely walked through the door. We then ate all the snacks we could get our hands on, played a ridiculously long game of Wha Who, and topped off our evening with the Christmas Story. As I panned the room and saw my children’s eyes glean in the firelight, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed. As the time read 4am, I remembered those late nights I spent wrapping every Christmas Eve in anticipation of their faces as they opened those gifts. It was in that exact instant that I saw a sweeter, softer glow that we were all together; doing something that truly was priceless, and my joy overwhelmed me. As the next morning came, well really early afternoon, we woke them up with a birthday cake for Jesus and hot chocolate for breakfast.

I am so proud of my family. My children, my husband, our closest friends, and my parents all played specific parts in allowing our Christmas to fully be centered on its true meaning. And when I look back to this time, I will cherish every second of it. Even though I am feeling physically under the weather, I am flying pretty high above it spiritually. I realize that everything I have is a gift from the one who sacrificed it all. Everyday I am becoming more and more aware of the treasures I have and so often took for granted. This season I got to witness the best part of my children. Life is hard and is often unfair, but when God’s gifts are recognized, anything is possible.

Sightings of the Rainbow

If this is what growth feels like, then I am in. I can say that I am being taken places that I could not have even imagined. I have held so much inside for so long that I completely lost myself. In hopes of not coming across harsh and needy, I apparently did the exact opposite. For fear of being misjudged or rejected I never let my true feelings known. Oddly enough, I messed up in the recent debut of letting them out, but they are out non-the-less. I feel cleansed for the first time ever. It was almost as if those feeling were toxins that charged the way to every other emotion I had and then exploded over issues that were not even related to the source of my pain. But now, I can feel the difference. I have let known the issues that have haunted and defined me so I can now truly forgive and move forward. I do however feel extremely guilty about the learning curve that took place in expressing them but hope that someday those involved will understand.

I would recommend not waiting twenty years to say what needs to be said because as the resentment and cover-up continues, so does the alteration in the relationship. And then when the delivery is forced and done incorrectly, hurt feelings all around are created. The clean up at this point seems impossible but I have faith that it can be rebuilt when the time is right. So to those who know what I am talking about, I say “thank you” and “I am sorry”. I realize we all do the best we can do but my journey is pushing me to move beyond my best into areas that require more. My love and acceptance for you is unconditional, I pray that yours is the same for me.

In the Eye of the Storm

What does spiritual transformation look like? I believe it looks different depending on the person. This may be because there are different things that need to take place in each person’s life before they are equipped to carry out their intended purpose. The real question is how will those within that person’s life react to the transformation? This for me has been the hardest part. Those who should love with unconditional amounts are left not understanding and therefore in position to interpret this change as they always have. When they look to this change with the perception that you are as you have been in the past, they are left reacting instead of actually seeing. They completely miss the realities of what is actually being said to hear things that is twisted into another meaning all together.

As this has been my life for a month now, I need to give praise where it is due. God has supplied me with such strength where my typical weakness would have immerged. I am a person who would have fought to the death to get my point across. But God is teaching me that sometimes it is best to stay authentic when asked and quiet when judged. It really wouldn’t matter what words came from my mouth unless they were the ones that the other person wanted to hear. But in that cycle of trying to be who they wanted me to be, I would internalize my position, which devastated any hope of change.

So in the mists of misinterpretation and utter untruths being said about my name I thank God for taking me into His word to find peace. I thank those who do know me and stand by me.

As I have recently told a friend, “I don’t know where He is taking us but I have to admit that I am a bit shocked by the route we are taking to get there. I do however, have complete faith in our Guide”. So I will rest in that and pray continuously for those around me to see the truth.

My Psalms 27

I am so tired. I seek rest. I crave calmness and peace. I want my heart to feel as I have before. Please hold me in your grace. I need more, more of you.

I want my head to understand what I know to be true. To be the one who you’ve created me to be but I feel so alone. I need more, more of you.

I see the waves starting to whirl. I want to be strong and withstand the force but I just can’t do it. I need more, more of you.

I can’t hear your voice or feel your touch but I see your presence all around me. I know you are with me but tonight I need more, more of you.

I will wait for thee and praise with songs of joy, for I know your promises of more, more of you.

16 Inches Lighter

Wow, I will never get tired on bragging on God. He is wonderful. This week has been one that could have left me devastated a year ago but instead has allowed me to feel as liberated as one can. I will start by saying that I just got a major haircut. This is no small task to someone who was once told that it was her hair that bumped her up a notch from just being “average” to a little above. Most of my life’s compliments were about my hair and those words of affirmation gave me a secure feeling that I was being seen at times when I usually felt alone. However, last Friday I got the distinct impression that God was asking me to make a drastic change. For the first time ever, the thought was not that overwhelming. So to make a long story short…I’ll jump ahead and say Saturday I did it. Just 24 hours later I took a step. I did not research where or how, I just prayed for guidance and went to a nearby place that I didn’t even know existed prior to pulling into the parking lot. No appointment, no wait, and fifteen dollars later walked out a different person. It is so hard to describe. There was no shock or oddness about it, only a weight lifted that I had obeyed. I cannot say with 100% accuracy that my hair looks better shorter, but I can say for certain that I feel more beautiful then I ever have before. My hope is that people look through my physical appearance and see Christ changing me from the inside out. Even something as “insignificant” as hair had the ability to hold me back because I wasn’t willing to let go but once I realized that there is nothing I want to keep from Him, it was an easy decision. God looks past what we see to heal the underlying issue behind it. He cares about all aspects in our life and wants to be involved in all of them…even hair.

I guess where all this is going is that even in the leaps and bounds I have made over this year I know God is pushing me to do and be more. He has removed me from the protective shield of His wing and said, “Okay, now lets see how you walk”. I truly am starting to see what the Bible means when it asks us to transition from infants to mature Christians. It is less about what we believe and more about living out that belief.

Perceptions…

Someone I love greatly recently put my faith into question by saying that I hide behind God and expect Him to care for me when it is my responsibility to care for myself. I, in no way felt that I needed to justify who I am in a counter attack but do feel a bit heartbroken that I was being completely misjudged. Then this week for my discussion question in class I was asked, “How do our perceptions of the world differ from the actual physical world? In other words, are our perceptions of people, places, things...accurate?” This is asked from a Biological point of view based in the world of Psychology but I have spent today reflecting on what it means to me in light of this week. Here for the first time I am posting my actual reply that I recoreded and am feeling okay with the fact that I may perhaps often be misunderstood when the foundational truth is measured against what is seen and not what is accepted in faith.

The accuracy of our perception is only as good as the foundation of truth that we measure it up against. If we approach this topic from the “perception” of what we see, then the basis of our understanding is limited to the physical aspects of this world. This basically means that the angle of our position primarily dictates how we relate within the perimeter of that understanding. For example, if four people witness a car wreak and two drivers were involved, you will probably end up with six different stories depending on their perception of the events. Does this make one more accurate then another…possibly, but probably not. Unless the individual’s vision is skewed based on personal experience or biased opinions, then their recognition of the truth is based on their acceptance of what they saw, heard, and felt, first hand. Unfortunately, as human beings we also bring in our past emotions and experiences that may or may not cloud our judgment. This is what often overrides our vision to compromise using the term “accurate” when compared to another’s understanding of the same incident.

It is exactly in this concept that I have to disregard my idea of what is seen or heard and look to the one who created me to find a truth that is immovable when measured up against it all. This spiritual world concept is invited into the physical so that the accuracy cannot be changed based on its validation of those who reside here. Whether or not one believes its validity has no bearing on its truth. It cannot be compromised or corrupted, only misjudged by the one who accepts or rejects it, which means very little when compared to the source.

So, in a nutshell, can I trust my perception? My answer: ONLY when I seek the direction of my God and follow that path without regard to the consequence. The moment I change my focus from Him and place it elsewhere is the moment I need to question my motive. Think about Peter when he cried out to Jesus in the mist of the storm. This world’s truth tells us that men cannot walk on water but Peter wanted to show Jesus His devotion by stepping out in faith. However, the moment his motivation turned and he focused on his fear instead of the one who could make his impossible travel a reality, he begin to sink.
What do you measure your truth up against?

Psalms 51

This particular Psalm is very dear to my heart because it encompasses a beautiful portrait of God’s grace. David often messed up yet God still described him as a man that had a heart for Him. This is how I see myself at my best. I am acutely aware that I mess up. I unknowingly hurt people and sometimes react in fear instead of truth. But my greatest desire is to follow the path that God intended at the time of my creation. I believe one of my acknowledgements in who I am in Christ is to obediently live out verse 15.

Let me first start out by saying that I have had some reoccurring health issues that have controlled and defined who I was. I am not exactly sure whether the physical or emotional aspect came first but I am pretty certain that one led to another at a very young age. As a women, I was given lots of worldly advise, cures, and excuses to why I had them but none seemed to satisfy the cost it demanded on my life so I have just learned to take each day as they come. The past year, God has really showed me what it means to live in His wholeness and the kind of peace that comes from such obedience. My prayer has often been to show me the way, yet the light I need to follow seems dim at times. It may be because the closer I get to Him, the harder it is to determine what my will is and what is His since my desires are beginning to look much more like His. This uncertainty in myself causes me to walk slow enough to receive some sort of conformation before stepping out.

So finally, after months and months of looking into private insurance, I picked one (which was no small task) and made a doctor’s apt. This recommendation was given to me and I just move forward in what I had heard. The appointment was two months away from the time I made it, but as the final days approached, I couldn’t ignore the unsettling feelings I was having in my spirit. Then last Friday, I knew God was asking me if I had prayed about it and if I would of, I would have known that wasn’t where He wanted me to be so I cancelled it. I remember telling my husband, not knowing his response to my honest answer to why, that it was just something I knew I had to do. I went to MOPS today and wrote out a prayer request (for the first time) to ask for guidance on the doctor God wanted me to see. To my great surprise, an hour later, the guest speaker was a doctor that attended our church. My issues seem unrelated to his specialty but I really felt the pushing desire that it was all relative. Then when he finished his talk, he said that he was currently doing a fun raiser that included an office visit and test for a small donation. I knew without a doubt that he was there in relation to my prayer request. Whether it is in this doctor or possibly the recommendation of another, I will find my answer. I am confident that in my obedience to cancel my original appointment, seeking God on this matter, and trusting Him to provide, I will find healing.

So in the understanding that accompanied these events, I am declaring praise on the Father who hears my cry. I am singing songs of joy, not in lieu of the circumstance, but because He speaks to me and blesses my intention and overlooks my past action. I am thanking Him for giving me a heart to long for such intimacy with Him that it strengthens me to turn around even in the mist of my own pride. Those that know me may not be shocked of the existence of pain and insecurity but may not be aware of the grace and joy I also acquired because of it. So as I have given all of myself to Him to use as He chooses, I feel that the light will shine on my story somehow and I have complete faith that God will receive honor and glory in my declaration. I will keep you updated on the progress…