16 Inches Lighter

Wow, I will never get tired on bragging on God. He is wonderful. This week has been one that could have left me devastated a year ago but instead has allowed me to feel as liberated as one can. I will start by saying that I just got a major haircut. This is no small task to someone who was once told that it was her hair that bumped her up a notch from just being “average” to a little above. Most of my life’s compliments were about my hair and those words of affirmation gave me a secure feeling that I was being seen at times when I usually felt alone. However, last Friday I got the distinct impression that God was asking me to make a drastic change. For the first time ever, the thought was not that overwhelming. So to make a long story short…I’ll jump ahead and say Saturday I did it. Just 24 hours later I took a step. I did not research where or how, I just prayed for guidance and went to a nearby place that I didn’t even know existed prior to pulling into the parking lot. No appointment, no wait, and fifteen dollars later walked out a different person. It is so hard to describe. There was no shock or oddness about it, only a weight lifted that I had obeyed. I cannot say with 100% accuracy that my hair looks better shorter, but I can say for certain that I feel more beautiful then I ever have before. My hope is that people look through my physical appearance and see Christ changing me from the inside out. Even something as “insignificant” as hair had the ability to hold me back because I wasn’t willing to let go but once I realized that there is nothing I want to keep from Him, it was an easy decision. God looks past what we see to heal the underlying issue behind it. He cares about all aspects in our life and wants to be involved in all of them…even hair.

I guess where all this is going is that even in the leaps and bounds I have made over this year I know God is pushing me to do and be more. He has removed me from the protective shield of His wing and said, “Okay, now lets see how you walk”. I truly am starting to see what the Bible means when it asks us to transition from infants to mature Christians. It is less about what we believe and more about living out that belief.

Perceptions…

Someone I love greatly recently put my faith into question by saying that I hide behind God and expect Him to care for me when it is my responsibility to care for myself. I, in no way felt that I needed to justify who I am in a counter attack but do feel a bit heartbroken that I was being completely misjudged. Then this week for my discussion question in class I was asked, “How do our perceptions of the world differ from the actual physical world? In other words, are our perceptions of people, places, things...accurate?” This is asked from a Biological point of view based in the world of Psychology but I have spent today reflecting on what it means to me in light of this week. Here for the first time I am posting my actual reply that I recoreded and am feeling okay with the fact that I may perhaps often be misunderstood when the foundational truth is measured against what is seen and not what is accepted in faith.

The accuracy of our perception is only as good as the foundation of truth that we measure it up against. If we approach this topic from the “perception” of what we see, then the basis of our understanding is limited to the physical aspects of this world. This basically means that the angle of our position primarily dictates how we relate within the perimeter of that understanding. For example, if four people witness a car wreak and two drivers were involved, you will probably end up with six different stories depending on their perception of the events. Does this make one more accurate then another…possibly, but probably not. Unless the individual’s vision is skewed based on personal experience or biased opinions, then their recognition of the truth is based on their acceptance of what they saw, heard, and felt, first hand. Unfortunately, as human beings we also bring in our past emotions and experiences that may or may not cloud our judgment. This is what often overrides our vision to compromise using the term “accurate” when compared to another’s understanding of the same incident.

It is exactly in this concept that I have to disregard my idea of what is seen or heard and look to the one who created me to find a truth that is immovable when measured up against it all. This spiritual world concept is invited into the physical so that the accuracy cannot be changed based on its validation of those who reside here. Whether or not one believes its validity has no bearing on its truth. It cannot be compromised or corrupted, only misjudged by the one who accepts or rejects it, which means very little when compared to the source.

So, in a nutshell, can I trust my perception? My answer: ONLY when I seek the direction of my God and follow that path without regard to the consequence. The moment I change my focus from Him and place it elsewhere is the moment I need to question my motive. Think about Peter when he cried out to Jesus in the mist of the storm. This world’s truth tells us that men cannot walk on water but Peter wanted to show Jesus His devotion by stepping out in faith. However, the moment his motivation turned and he focused on his fear instead of the one who could make his impossible travel a reality, he begin to sink.
What do you measure your truth up against?

Psalms 51

This particular Psalm is very dear to my heart because it encompasses a beautiful portrait of God’s grace. David often messed up yet God still described him as a man that had a heart for Him. This is how I see myself at my best. I am acutely aware that I mess up. I unknowingly hurt people and sometimes react in fear instead of truth. But my greatest desire is to follow the path that God intended at the time of my creation. I believe one of my acknowledgements in who I am in Christ is to obediently live out verse 15.

Let me first start out by saying that I have had some reoccurring health issues that have controlled and defined who I was. I am not exactly sure whether the physical or emotional aspect came first but I am pretty certain that one led to another at a very young age. As a women, I was given lots of worldly advise, cures, and excuses to why I had them but none seemed to satisfy the cost it demanded on my life so I have just learned to take each day as they come. The past year, God has really showed me what it means to live in His wholeness and the kind of peace that comes from such obedience. My prayer has often been to show me the way, yet the light I need to follow seems dim at times. It may be because the closer I get to Him, the harder it is to determine what my will is and what is His since my desires are beginning to look much more like His. This uncertainty in myself causes me to walk slow enough to receive some sort of conformation before stepping out.

So finally, after months and months of looking into private insurance, I picked one (which was no small task) and made a doctor’s apt. This recommendation was given to me and I just move forward in what I had heard. The appointment was two months away from the time I made it, but as the final days approached, I couldn’t ignore the unsettling feelings I was having in my spirit. Then last Friday, I knew God was asking me if I had prayed about it and if I would of, I would have known that wasn’t where He wanted me to be so I cancelled it. I remember telling my husband, not knowing his response to my honest answer to why, that it was just something I knew I had to do. I went to MOPS today and wrote out a prayer request (for the first time) to ask for guidance on the doctor God wanted me to see. To my great surprise, an hour later, the guest speaker was a doctor that attended our church. My issues seem unrelated to his specialty but I really felt the pushing desire that it was all relative. Then when he finished his talk, he said that he was currently doing a fun raiser that included an office visit and test for a small donation. I knew without a doubt that he was there in relation to my prayer request. Whether it is in this doctor or possibly the recommendation of another, I will find my answer. I am confident that in my obedience to cancel my original appointment, seeking God on this matter, and trusting Him to provide, I will find healing.

So in the understanding that accompanied these events, I am declaring praise on the Father who hears my cry. I am singing songs of joy, not in lieu of the circumstance, but because He speaks to me and blesses my intention and overlooks my past action. I am thanking Him for giving me a heart to long for such intimacy with Him that it strengthens me to turn around even in the mist of my own pride. Those that know me may not be shocked of the existence of pain and insecurity but may not be aware of the grace and joy I also acquired because of it. So as I have given all of myself to Him to use as He chooses, I feel that the light will shine on my story somehow and I have complete faith that God will receive honor and glory in my declaration. I will keep you updated on the progress…

My Next Step

Well what can I say? I have been a bit stuck. It is strange to me that satan can manipulate me to fear even the possibility of being disobedient when He knows that my greatest desire is to only walk where God leads. It is much easier to write when I know that the only people who have the ability to access it know me and where my writing comes from. But once I begin to share, I allowed insecurity to creep in and the prospect of being vulnerable to those who may read it seemed small compared to the fear that was born from the anticipation of those who may not.
So once again, I am pulling up my anchor and handing it God. Last night I realized that even if I am not 100% sure what God is asking of me, I have been prompted to write. I also know that God sees my heart and the intention to be obedient at all cost so I am confident that He will bless the situation even if I am unaware of it. So, for those few that have seen my written words, please know they are not just thoughts that come into my head that I want validated on a page, but a learned lesson, that perhaps I need to be reminded of as I prayerfully listen to the Spirit.

A new understanding

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone? If you haven’t, you are one of the few. I have spent the last five weeks watching people layout their emotions for psychology students to study. There was everything from manic depression and sexual dysfunction to ADHD and Alzheimer’s (not to mention the 100’s in between). The common thread that I noted case after case was loneliness. Their feelings were not just a sense of solitude, but a lack of true connection. I think this description is something that we all feel from time to time. Even if a loving and accepting pool of family and friends surrounds us, there are probably moments of isolation. If we were created to have an innate desire to be apart of something, wouldn’t it be logical to feel unsatisfied if we, on an individual level, didn’t seek our designer to find our intended purpose.

I recently watched the Louie Giglio DVDs called Indescribable. I have to say that my initial reaction was one of awe, but strangely cradled in feelings of insignificance. I mean He had never felt so far away. Even in my times of disobedience or depression, I knew He was in close proximity even if I felt unworthy to call out His name. This new feeling was something altogether different. He felt distant and aloof. My knowledge of Him told me that I was wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel a little gullible for always seeing, complaining, praising, and living in “my moment”. My life revolved around my situation and those within my circle. So I did what I usually do after a few days of “distance”…I hashed it out with Him personally. It started out with a couple of questions, which ultimately ended in more questions. But as I remained steady in His word and had an open dialogue with my accountability partner, I realized that for the first time ever, I was sitting in the only place that would satisfy that longing which I didn’t really understand. I knew that this “something” was bigger then my family, my neighborhood, my children’s PTA, and even my church. I was apart of God’s divine plan as it relates to eternity AND SO ARE YOU. I had heard those very same words before…but now I owned them.

We do not exist for the sake of existing. For God to be holy and just, He must pour out judgment when He returns. However, the maker became the sacrifice needed to redeem the stained and we are the beneficiaries of grace. But in order to receive that gift it has to be accepted right? That’s where our “part” comes in. But so many of us miss that calling. We see the temporal and not the everlasting. We see our situation and not the importance of each encounter we have as well as those we could miss. God doesn’t randomly pass out gifts that display His favorites; He diligently matches each purpose and gift to interact with those we meet on our journey so we can play an active role in His design which was planned out before creation came into being.

If you see our journey as one domino falling onto another, working together from one generation to the next, it is easy to see why we are created with such a need to be “apart” of something. The only catch is, not just any something will do. It is a specific something that comes from supernatural powers.

Just hanging in there isn’t enough anymore

Today as talking to a close friend, this word picture entered my thought. I saw a high wire rope in the air, me positioned in the middle, and God’s hand reaching from above holding onto my outstretched arm. Then down below I saw the Valley of Despair on my left and the Valley of Self-Righteousness on my right. This picture pretty much sums up life as I know it. Every time I take back a part of me that I have previously surrendered, it’s like I have just let go of the pole that keeps me balanced and the chance of me falling greatly increases. If by some chance, I am able to steady myself for a few seconds, I usually find that I take my eyes off of Him long enough to look down, which always results in fear and the inability to move forward. Thankfully, He never leaves His stance so I am able to get back up and start over if in fact I do fall, but it is never without acquiring additional bumps and bruises.

This tangible reminder helps me see that I need to deliberately seek His presence in order to remain steady. It may seem like we are moving incredibly slow at times, but I am certain that the speed is for my benefit and not His.

Resting in a place of humbleness…

without falling off into the pit of worthlessness. That seems to be the trick that many of us desire to obtain. Ever wonder why Christ seemed so backwards? He sought out the weak to lead the strong. He forgave the outcasts and questioned the religious. He ate and drank with the sick and walked away from the rich. He asked those who followed Him to leave everything for His sake. He saved a world that rejected Him…so why is it so hard to believe that He uses those who feel the most unlikely to anoint? Is it to show the world that any greatness they accomplish would be more accepted as a miracle then if it were through someone more predictable? Possibly. But I think the true answer lies in the person’s heart. Most of the weak know they are weak. They learn to adapt with a broken wing. But when Christ comes into their life (and complete authority is handed to Him) there is an understanding that cannot be undone. In other words, there is no question to whom they credit this inner transformation. That person’s heart is linked to His in a way that many choose not to experience. And in that place, they know that God's plan surpasses any fear to move beyond their capacity alone.