I mean once that intimacy is opened and revelations are revealed, does the consistent contentment waiver in the giver or receiver? Does the choice to listen and obey over shadow other elements or am I left to believe that my part in it has far less control then that? Am I a slave to my feelings, experiences, and tendencies, or can I choose to listen to what I know to be true and rely on the strength that I am promised in my daily readings?
While I have been constant in spending time in His presence, I am stunned by the lack of certainty that my passion offers. As I slip into moments of uncomfortable conformity, I battle with the refusal to accept such notions. I know what I know with little room for doubt, yet my thought of typical complacency will not disappear. The chaos that once led my emotions threatens to return just out of sheer frustration. I act or most likely react in mannerisms that frighten my ability to ever truly change.
My heart wants the longing it once felt because that is what kept me from misdirection. However, the calm still waters are to easily understood and represent a fear that I am sure is harder to face then the uneven terrain a valley offers. This position gives subtle acceptance of an ordinary life that somewhat questions the reality I was exposed to. It tells me that I should just settle for doing things in my best effort and good enough is really just that…good enough.
But to be completely honest, that understanding, although tempting, wages a war within my soul like no other. If I were to take hold and allow that truth to dig deep I would lose myself all together. Who am I if I denounce what has saved me? I am nothing…I am a leaf in the clouds awaiting a powerful gust of wind take me from place to place. Instead I choose to be attached to a grounded and stable tree as I blow around with such questions. So, I wait. I wait for my heart to align with my knowledge, I await supernatural proof that He is much more then so many claim, I wait for my eyes to see what they have been shown before…I wait expectantly and patiently for His love to drown out any uncertainties that I face in the present moment.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Revisiting My Commitment
A New Beginning
4-15-09
My Lord, My Savior,
I am dedicating this journey to you as a prayer of thanksgiving, a memory of where you have brought me, and as a hope to where you are taking me. I thank you for seeing in me what I cannot see in myself and ask for strength and courage as I step out on this rough water in faith.
I will honestly say that I am a bit scarred about my ability to do all that you have before me but I have complete faith and trust that you will not lead me down a path that will not end in your glory. I place all my dreams in you and lay myself at your feet. I only ask for a short time of refreshment and growth before we start. Please purify my soul and melt off any iniquities that might place barriers between my heart and yours. I humbly give myself to you and desire to follow where you guide.
I am so awe stricken right now. Why do you choose those who are weak? Did I not dishonor you or bring shame in your presence? I ask for complete forgiveness as I am a work in progress and pray that each passing day brings a change from within that allows the outside world to see your face in me. Please cover my ears to the temptation that causes me to turn away. Allow your words to rise up inside and cause an unending aftertaste of sweet refreshment as the power to resist such pits.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 explains the need for thorns and Paul was no exception, as nor I. I will embrace this trial as a promise that your strength will overpower it and I will speak of your glory in a greater magnitude then I would if you had removed it. For I know that as pain fades, so does its’ power to remember. So I praise you for your grace that rains down on me, for your acceptance that sees past my imperfections, and for loving me in a way that cannot be returned to you.
You are my breath, my heartbeat, my tears. Let me not forget this moment’s promise. I will walk through fire if that is your plan. I cry out in desperation that you don’t let go of my hand for one second because I am nothing without you.
4-15-09
My Lord, My Savior,
I am dedicating this journey to you as a prayer of thanksgiving, a memory of where you have brought me, and as a hope to where you are taking me. I thank you for seeing in me what I cannot see in myself and ask for strength and courage as I step out on this rough water in faith.
I will honestly say that I am a bit scarred about my ability to do all that you have before me but I have complete faith and trust that you will not lead me down a path that will not end in your glory. I place all my dreams in you and lay myself at your feet. I only ask for a short time of refreshment and growth before we start. Please purify my soul and melt off any iniquities that might place barriers between my heart and yours. I humbly give myself to you and desire to follow where you guide.
I am so awe stricken right now. Why do you choose those who are weak? Did I not dishonor you or bring shame in your presence? I ask for complete forgiveness as I am a work in progress and pray that each passing day brings a change from within that allows the outside world to see your face in me. Please cover my ears to the temptation that causes me to turn away. Allow your words to rise up inside and cause an unending aftertaste of sweet refreshment as the power to resist such pits.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 explains the need for thorns and Paul was no exception, as nor I. I will embrace this trial as a promise that your strength will overpower it and I will speak of your glory in a greater magnitude then I would if you had removed it. For I know that as pain fades, so does its’ power to remember. So I praise you for your grace that rains down on me, for your acceptance that sees past my imperfections, and for loving me in a way that cannot be returned to you.
You are my breath, my heartbeat, my tears. Let me not forget this moment’s promise. I will walk through fire if that is your plan. I cry out in desperation that you don’t let go of my hand for one second because I am nothing without you.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Is Not Being Seen Worse Then Being Rejected?
Right now I have so much pain and anger boiling up inside that my words will be few for fear that I will rant and rave over issues that I clearly “feel” justified in having…
Although my heart still vents with frustration I take comfort in knowing that it doesn’t matter what harm is done in my name. It is really about my ability to forgive and even though they will never truly embrace their part in the ongoing arrows that are thrown, it is God who lives within that accepts the blunt force of the strikes. It is my cooperation in understanding that reality that gives me the power to release such control.
Although my heart still vents with frustration I take comfort in knowing that it doesn’t matter what harm is done in my name. It is really about my ability to forgive and even though they will never truly embrace their part in the ongoing arrows that are thrown, it is God who lives within that accepts the blunt force of the strikes. It is my cooperation in understanding that reality that gives me the power to release such control.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Does Anyone Have a White Flag I can Borrow?
Ever feel like you work hard to reach a goal, only to find that the success of it brings a somewhat disappointing climax? Well, that’s exactly how I am feeling. I am stuck in that moment and am having a hard time pressing through. I look around and see that life keeps moving forward while I remain suspended in some sort of unexplainable realm waiting for something “spectacular” to happen. I know these are just feelings and my recent graduation has closed a pretty important chapter in my life, but come on- I thought there would be some pressure release...some excitement to “get started”, some sort of unexplainable joy that strengthened me to know exactly what to do and to know how to do it…
Look, I know what is going on, at least psychologically. I know that what ever happens from this point on still commands hard work and trust in the unseen, however…I was not prepared to feel like my greatest force that stands against me is myself and that the harder I push to understand the reality of it all, the more rebellious I feel.
I guess my point in finally articulating this is admitting to myself that I…well, I need His strength more now then ever before. Please be in prayer with me that as I take steps in obedience my feelings will follow and…well, I can find rest where I at, no matter where that is…
Look, I know what is going on, at least psychologically. I know that what ever happens from this point on still commands hard work and trust in the unseen, however…I was not prepared to feel like my greatest force that stands against me is myself and that the harder I push to understand the reality of it all, the more rebellious I feel.
I guess my point in finally articulating this is admitting to myself that I…well, I need His strength more now then ever before. Please be in prayer with me that as I take steps in obedience my feelings will follow and…well, I can find rest where I at, no matter where that is…
Monday, April 19, 2010
Full Disclosure
Okay, as I sit here and stare at this computer screen my mind is absolutely swimming in its own epiphany. I have come to realize that we sometimes find wisdom only after the obedience has started. This has most definitely been this case tonight.
I watched the show Hoarding: buried alive which airs on TLC a few hours ago and I am amazed to the reality that if I had not been set free from past mindsets, that could have so been me twenty years from now. The idea of “bargain shopping” to deal with an unwanted emotion was very real in my world and allowing that emotional attachment to carry over onto my stuff was also a way of coping with some sort of illusioned control.
I started thinking back to why such a habit could have formed and all of a sudden my mind drifted back to two distinct and separate occasions. I cannot even remember which preceded the other but they both involved indulgence and my father’s attention. One was when he took me shopping for school clothes one year (which was typically my mom’s job) and he let me pick out several outfits, allowed me to try on, and bought with little regard to the price. I had his undivided attention for most of the day and remember feeling so special. The second is when my mom, dad, and I went on a vacation, Missouri, if I am recalling correctly, and again we were allowed to purchase things that were out of our norm. It’s not that I was deprived of this type of treatment, it was just that usually it was unannounced to my dad and he played little parts in entertaining such events.
So really, one, myself included, may ask "what does one have to do with the other?" Well without falling into Alice’s hole by trying to explain my entire perspective, I will say that those familiar and happy feelings were established (at least momentarily) when I could re-create "happiness" somehow. Yes, they were somewhat altered through the years when disciplines, wants, and desires were established, but overall the prospect of finding that "high" continued the behavior but the inability to sustain the satisfaction it initially gave guided this recreational activity into some sort of addiction.
This in itself is not the OMG (or “oh my goodness” for those who are not up on my modified text language) moment, but in the realization that all additions are created with that same foundation. Whether it is food, sex, money, substances, disorders, or the need for emotional triggers, they all are seeking some functionality of control. Sadly enough, in our attempt to find control, we loose any effort of attaining it.
I started realizing this issue piece by piece. My earlier entry published back in December was a real victory in that effort. In my willingness to obey God’s prompting, I chose to not buy anything for my kids during Christmas. This was extremely hard in thought but once I committed to follow through, God gave me the strength to push past any reservations until I was meet with an overwhelming sense of joy. Unfortunately I back slided a bit when I was put in charge of a silent auction, which few participated in donating to, and I took it upon myself to supply the majority of its contents. However, I found that falling back into a pit that you’ve climbed out of once, gets a whole lot easier when you recognize the symptoms and call for help early on. Anyway, in my obedience, I was able to surrender the need for control, to find real joy. Although it wasn’t always understood and often interrupted by the pains of life, I was still able to hold it in my grasp.
Now, I have come full circle and am able to see the bigger picture. What a perspective! It seems to complex, yet so simple at the same time…there are just no words to describe this feeling…
God is so good...He is just so good!
I watched the show Hoarding: buried alive which airs on TLC a few hours ago and I am amazed to the reality that if I had not been set free from past mindsets, that could have so been me twenty years from now. The idea of “bargain shopping” to deal with an unwanted emotion was very real in my world and allowing that emotional attachment to carry over onto my stuff was also a way of coping with some sort of illusioned control.
I started thinking back to why such a habit could have formed and all of a sudden my mind drifted back to two distinct and separate occasions. I cannot even remember which preceded the other but they both involved indulgence and my father’s attention. One was when he took me shopping for school clothes one year (which was typically my mom’s job) and he let me pick out several outfits, allowed me to try on, and bought with little regard to the price. I had his undivided attention for most of the day and remember feeling so special. The second is when my mom, dad, and I went on a vacation, Missouri, if I am recalling correctly, and again we were allowed to purchase things that were out of our norm. It’s not that I was deprived of this type of treatment, it was just that usually it was unannounced to my dad and he played little parts in entertaining such events.
So really, one, myself included, may ask "what does one have to do with the other?" Well without falling into Alice’s hole by trying to explain my entire perspective, I will say that those familiar and happy feelings were established (at least momentarily) when I could re-create "happiness" somehow. Yes, they were somewhat altered through the years when disciplines, wants, and desires were established, but overall the prospect of finding that "high" continued the behavior but the inability to sustain the satisfaction it initially gave guided this recreational activity into some sort of addiction.
This in itself is not the OMG (or “oh my goodness” for those who are not up on my modified text language) moment, but in the realization that all additions are created with that same foundation. Whether it is food, sex, money, substances, disorders, or the need for emotional triggers, they all are seeking some functionality of control. Sadly enough, in our attempt to find control, we loose any effort of attaining it.
I started realizing this issue piece by piece. My earlier entry published back in December was a real victory in that effort. In my willingness to obey God’s prompting, I chose to not buy anything for my kids during Christmas. This was extremely hard in thought but once I committed to follow through, God gave me the strength to push past any reservations until I was meet with an overwhelming sense of joy. Unfortunately I back slided a bit when I was put in charge of a silent auction, which few participated in donating to, and I took it upon myself to supply the majority of its contents. However, I found that falling back into a pit that you’ve climbed out of once, gets a whole lot easier when you recognize the symptoms and call for help early on. Anyway, in my obedience, I was able to surrender the need for control, to find real joy. Although it wasn’t always understood and often interrupted by the pains of life, I was still able to hold it in my grasp.
Now, I have come full circle and am able to see the bigger picture. What a perspective! It seems to complex, yet so simple at the same time…there are just no words to describe this feeling…
God is so good...He is just so good!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Good Sower
Matthew 13 is such a wonderful example of how God understands human nature. I was recently pondering why it is so easy for some people to accept the realities of faith while others seem to struggle a bit, and them some just denounce it all together. In His sovereignty, He led me to this scripture.
The parable explains that there are four types of soil being sowed. There are the seeds that are scattered along the path, which becomes vulnerable to the birds dining on them (verse 4). Then there are the seeds that fall on rocky places where little soil is able to penetrate and consequently they spring up quickly yet wither away because they don’t have deep roots to protect them (verses 5-6). Then there are the seeds that fall among the thorns that grow but are chocked by the plants around and unable to produce fruit(verse 7). And finally there is the seed that fall on “good soil” which always produce a crop (verse 8).
But in applying it to our life, what did Jesus mean? Well, a few verses later, He laid it out in laymen’s terms (which I personally love when He does that. He says in verse 19, that those who hear and deny God’s truth has been vulnerable to satan’s lies and it is unable to take root in their heart. And in verse 20 He says that those seeds that fell on rocky places represent the man who hears and accepts God’s Word with joy yet does not follow through in seeking a deeper understanding which causes them to fall away when trouble threatens their reality. Then in verse 22, there is the man who received the seed that fell on thorns which represents the man who has a heart for God yet has been overtaken by the worries of life or chocked by the deceitfulness this world promises (both producing less fruitful Christian crops). Then finally there is the man who hears the word, understands, and obeys. “He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown”- vs. 23 because it is not bound by the limitations of the man. It is working on God’s strength because they have accepted and put into practice what they have learned.
As I sat and pondered what this meant, I felt the urge to look up some notes in my other Bible and very matter-of-factly it stated, “People respond differently because they are in different states of readiness. Some are hardened, others are shallow, others are contaminated by distracting worries, and some are receptive.” (NIV Life Application Bible)
This understanding made all the difference…just because a person is in a “state” at this moment doesn’t mean that they have to remain there forever. Many factors contribute to their readiness and although it is a choice on their part to take the leap of faith or not, it is also our responsibility as fellow Christians to softly throw another seed their direction. Then it is up to God to where the seed will land and to the methods at which it sprouts.
The parable explains that there are four types of soil being sowed. There are the seeds that are scattered along the path, which becomes vulnerable to the birds dining on them (verse 4). Then there are the seeds that fall on rocky places where little soil is able to penetrate and consequently they spring up quickly yet wither away because they don’t have deep roots to protect them (verses 5-6). Then there are the seeds that fall among the thorns that grow but are chocked by the plants around and unable to produce fruit(verse 7). And finally there is the seed that fall on “good soil” which always produce a crop (verse 8).
But in applying it to our life, what did Jesus mean? Well, a few verses later, He laid it out in laymen’s terms (which I personally love when He does that. He says in verse 19, that those who hear and deny God’s truth has been vulnerable to satan’s lies and it is unable to take root in their heart. And in verse 20 He says that those seeds that fell on rocky places represent the man who hears and accepts God’s Word with joy yet does not follow through in seeking a deeper understanding which causes them to fall away when trouble threatens their reality. Then in verse 22, there is the man who received the seed that fell on thorns which represents the man who has a heart for God yet has been overtaken by the worries of life or chocked by the deceitfulness this world promises (both producing less fruitful Christian crops). Then finally there is the man who hears the word, understands, and obeys. “He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown”- vs. 23 because it is not bound by the limitations of the man. It is working on God’s strength because they have accepted and put into practice what they have learned.
As I sat and pondered what this meant, I felt the urge to look up some notes in my other Bible and very matter-of-factly it stated, “People respond differently because they are in different states of readiness. Some are hardened, others are shallow, others are contaminated by distracting worries, and some are receptive.” (NIV Life Application Bible)
This understanding made all the difference…just because a person is in a “state” at this moment doesn’t mean that they have to remain there forever. Many factors contribute to their readiness and although it is a choice on their part to take the leap of faith or not, it is also our responsibility as fellow Christians to softly throw another seed their direction. Then it is up to God to where the seed will land and to the methods at which it sprouts.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Break Down This Wall
My Father,
As I am in the mist of chaos I seem to be consumed with dull absence of that “on fire” confidence. I see you everywhere I turn. I am hunted by the days that my body shook from your overwhelming presence within and I find myself expressing emotional tears for no apparent reason. I was able to abandon all my present insecurities last night as I wholeheartedly raised my hands in worship at the concert but today I awakened with the fears that have dictated my last few weeks.
What has happened? Why the change? I am carrying on my same interactions with you of prayer, reading Your Word, and speaking forth Your Name by expressing my gratitude for freeing me from the bonds that held me for so many years…but something is missing. I am easily aggravated, hurt, and somewhat judgmental to those closes to me.
I find myself at a new crossroad that seems somewhat familiar. I know I haven’t been here before but I feel as if I already know the path to take. How can that be when I am struggling to understand the meaning of the crossroad?
Last week I found myself in a situation that I am still trying to wrap my mind around as a beautiful soul within my circle wrestled aloud her struggles in believing whether You are real or not. I am not sure I help and am almost convinced that I worsened the conversation by speaking out when perhaps silence may have been better suited. Another loving women asked foundational questions which seemed to focus on the issue at hand and not where I drew the conversation. Although I have this nagging impression that You prompted my words, I am second guessing whether I am ready to be put in such situations when I so apparently am struggling with obediences of my own.
You know my heart. You know my only desire in to draw others closer to You, not further. Please give me guidance. Please ease my wondering spirit. Please help me encourage those who have shown such love and patience towards me these past few years and are now hurting. Forgive me for any hindrances I have unknowingly caused and show me where to go to find what I long for.
I give all of myself to You. Please help me surrender those parts which I cannot let go of…
Forever your redeemed Bride,
a.
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