Full Disclosure

Okay, as I sit here and stare at this computer screen my mind is absolutely swimming in its own epiphany. I have come to realize that we sometimes find wisdom only after the obedience has started. This has most definitely been this case tonight.

I watched the show Hoarding: buried alive which airs on TLC a few hours ago and I am amazed to the reality that if I had not been set free from past mindsets, that could have so been me twenty years from now. The idea of “bargain shopping” to deal with an unwanted emotion was very real in my world and allowing that emotional attachment to carry over onto my stuff was also a way of coping with some sort of illusioned control.

I started thinking back to why such a habit could have formed and all of a sudden my mind drifted back to two distinct and separate occasions. I cannot even remember which preceded the other but they both involved indulgence and my father’s attention. One was when he took me shopping for school clothes one year (which was typically my mom’s job) and he let me pick out several outfits, allowed me to try on, and bought with little regard to the price. I had his undivided attention for most of the day and remember feeling so special. The second is when my mom, dad, and I went on a vacation, Missouri, if I am recalling correctly, and again we were allowed to purchase things that were out of our norm. It’s not that I was deprived of this type of treatment, it was just that usually it was unannounced to my dad and he played little parts in entertaining such events.

So really, one, myself included, may ask "what does one have to do with the other?" Well without falling into Alice’s hole by trying to explain my entire perspective, I will say that those familiar and happy feelings were established (at least momentarily) when I could re-create "happiness" somehow. Yes, they were somewhat altered through the years when disciplines, wants, and desires were established, but overall the prospect of finding that "high" continued the behavior but the inability to sustain the satisfaction it initially gave guided this recreational activity into some sort of addiction.

This in itself is not the OMG (or “oh my goodness” for those who are not up on my modified text language) moment, but in the realization that all additions are created with that same foundation. Whether it is food, sex, money, substances, disorders, or the need for emotional triggers, they all are seeking some functionality of control. Sadly enough, in our attempt to find control, we loose any effort of attaining it.

I started realizing this issue piece by piece. My earlier entry published back in December was a real victory in that effort. In my willingness to obey God’s prompting, I chose to not buy anything for my kids during Christmas. This was extremely hard in thought but once I committed to follow through, God gave me the strength to push past any reservations until I was meet with an overwhelming sense of joy. Unfortunately I back slided a bit when I was put in charge of a silent auction, which few participated in donating to, and I took it upon myself to supply the majority of its contents. However, I found that falling back into a pit that you’ve climbed out of once, gets a whole lot easier when you recognize the symptoms and call for help early on. Anyway, in my obedience, I was able to surrender the need for control, to find real joy. Although it wasn’t always understood and often interrupted by the pains of life, I was still able to hold it in my grasp.

Now, I have come full circle and am able to see the bigger picture. What a perspective! It seems to complex, yet so simple at the same time…there are just no words to describe this feeling…

God is so good...He is just so good!

The Good Sower

Matthew 13 is such a wonderful example of how God understands human nature. I was recently pondering why it is so easy for some people to accept the realities of faith while others seem to struggle a bit, and them some just denounce it all together. In His sovereignty, He led me to this scripture.

The parable explains that there are four types of soil being sowed. There are the seeds that are scattered along the path, which becomes vulnerable to the birds dining on them (verse 4). Then there are the seeds that fall on rocky places where little soil is able to penetrate and consequently they spring up quickly yet wither away because they don’t have deep roots to protect them (verses 5-6). Then there are the seeds that fall among the thorns that grow but are chocked by the plants around and unable to produce fruit(verse 7). And finally there is the seed that fall on “good soil” which always produce a crop (verse 8).

But in applying it to our life, what did Jesus mean? Well, a few verses later, He laid it out in laymen’s terms (which I personally love when He does that. He says in verse 19, that those who hear and deny God’s truth has been vulnerable to satan’s lies and it is unable to take root in their heart. And in verse 20 He says that those seeds that fell on rocky places represent the man who hears and accepts God’s Word with joy yet does not follow through in seeking a deeper understanding which causes them to fall away when trouble threatens their reality. Then in verse 22, there is the man who received the seed that fell on thorns which represents the man who has a heart for God yet has been overtaken by the worries of life or chocked by the deceitfulness this world promises (both producing less fruitful Christian crops). Then finally there is the man who hears the word, understands, and obeys. “He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown”- vs. 23 because it is not bound by the limitations of the man. It is working on God’s strength because they have accepted and put into practice what they have learned.
As I sat and pondered what this meant, I felt the urge to look up some notes in my other Bible and very matter-of-factly it stated, “People respond differently because they are in different states of readiness. Some are hardened, others are shallow, others are contaminated by distracting worries, and some are receptive.” (NIV Life Application Bible)

This understanding made all the difference…just because a person is in a “state” at this moment doesn’t mean that they have to remain there forever. Many factors contribute to their readiness and although it is a choice on their part to take the leap of faith or not, it is also our responsibility as fellow Christians to softly throw another seed their direction. Then it is up to God to where the seed will land and to the methods at which it sprouts.

Break Down This Wall

My Father,

As I am in the mist of chaos I seem to be consumed with dull absence of that “on fire” confidence. I see you everywhere I turn. I am hunted by the days that my body shook from your overwhelming presence within and I find myself expressing emotional tears for no apparent reason. I was able to abandon all my present insecurities last night as I wholeheartedly raised my hands in worship at the concert but today I awakened with the fears that have dictated my last few weeks.

What has happened? Why the change? I am carrying on my same interactions with you of prayer, reading Your Word, and speaking forth Your Name by expressing my gratitude for freeing me from the bonds that held me for so many years…but something is missing. I am easily aggravated, hurt, and somewhat judgmental to those closes to me.

I find myself at a new crossroad that seems somewhat familiar. I know I haven’t been here before but I feel as if I already know the path to take. How can that be when I am struggling to understand the meaning of the crossroad?

Last week I found myself in a situation that I am still trying to wrap my mind around as a beautiful soul within my circle wrestled aloud her struggles in believing whether You are real or not. I am not sure I help and am almost convinced that I worsened the conversation by speaking out when perhaps silence may have been better suited. Another loving women asked foundational questions which seemed to focus on the issue at hand and not where I drew the conversation. Although I have this nagging impression that You prompted my words, I am second guessing whether I am ready to be put in such situations when I so apparently am struggling with obediences of my own.

You know my heart. You know my only desire in to draw others closer to You, not further. Please give me guidance. Please ease my wondering spirit. Please help me encourage those who have shown such love and patience towards me these past few years and are now hurting. Forgive me for any hindrances I have unknowingly caused and show me where to go to find what I long for.

I give all of myself to You. Please help me surrender those parts which I cannot let go of…

Forever your redeemed Bride,

a.

"What You Talkin Bout Willis?"

Okay, I just did the craziest thing. Well, for me, crazy may not even begin to describe it because my natural tendencies would have been to laugh at such a concept, but my dependence on growth relies directly on my obedience to follow His footsteps ahead and I am quite confident they have lead me here. So no matter what happens from this second forward, I trust that I am here for a reason.

As some may already know, I wore the scarlet letter of disgrace as long as I can remember. This was often an unintentional excuse to remain tucked away in my isolation, which protected me from outside rejection and judgment only to find myself wrestling deeper insecurities that remained hidden within my own heart. As I struggled to be the best I could, I failed in every effort except in realizing that I was a child of God. Although I never felt worthy of His love, much less His purpose, I never questioned whether I was saved or not. God’s compassionate grace entered my heart at the young age of four and I have embraced the fact that He did so to sustain some sanity for years that lied ahead. My self-destructiveness would have crumbled under the strain of my pain if it were not for God’s quiet whispers of love that continued to redirect my wondering soul.

My journey has been one that I am oh so thankful for. I would never wish upon anyone the heartbreak that follows such a path, but I know it happens each and everyday. Pain and sorrow plagues our surroundings so often that it leaves a wake of questions that seem most unanswerable; but my hope is that you will see the truth that He freely offers and the side effect of obediently surrendering all that you are, including those places you wish to hide, to be used for His glory.

Loving Him and receiving His love in return is something I would have claimed came easily, but as these last few years have unfolded, I now understand that you can’t give what you don’t have and you can’t have what you don’t accept. I do not speak of salvation but sanctification. Sitting on this side of the surrenderence equation, I not only see the difference, but I know without a shadow of doubt that being with Him nowhere is better then being without Him anywhere and to my surprise, that nowhere is far better then my dreams could have imagined.

So without further ado, I entered myself a contest posted on Lysa TerKeurst’s web page at http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html where three winners get a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference. This could be a weekend filled with opportunities to strengthen my understanding of the gifts God has given me to something more then I can embrace on my own. Whether my ministry plays out in my own backyard or a grander facility, I am handing over all my inhibitions to see the power that promises to glorify my Father. He has intimately pulled me from the depths of my own pit to allow me the honor to be apart of His plan and even if that scares the bajeebers out of me, how can I say anything but YES, oh yes?

***if interested in information regarding the She Speaks conference, click:
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/

Holding the Hand that Holds the Universe

“Holding hands may seem an insignificant ‘secret’, but don’t underestimate the power of such a simple, profoundly intimate act. When you take your spouses’ hand you’re communicating, “I’m with you. We’re in this together. I want to be here.” It’s a simple practice in safeguarding your marriage as well, as you’re communicating to the rest of the world, “I’m with him.” (Don’t even try, suckers!)” -Excerpted from The Sexually Confident Wife blog, written by Shannon’s Events Manager, Terrica Smith

This particular passage got me thinking about the same intentional need to be aware of our individual relationship with Christ. Many people stroll through life with the well-intended understanding that they were created for God’s purpose and they offer up what they are when serve Him. But may I press upon you the need for relational intimacy with the Creator. Just as we can physically hold our partner’s hand, we can spiritually hold our Savior’s. He not only gives wisdom and strength to those who believe in Him, but He has the ability to submerge every part of soul into His presence when there is a consistent interaction with Him throughout our day.

It is not really about the “service” we partake in that matters because God is God, and He will accomplish His will with or without us. It is about the process that inspires utter devotion, which allows our desires to align with His. This is not created when we cry out during a storm, but in the quiet and calm moments when we choose to sacrifice that which we inadvertently place above Him. This action is what prompts our willingness to follow Him down what looks to be an impossible path. Whether we are blessed in our obedience or redirected when we are not, God’s plan prompts an open-heart to focus on Him and not the surrounding and ever changing circumstance.

We are powerless to sustain true devotion if our connection to Christ relies on our ability to be useful because it may be in our suffering that He chooses to use us. The perspective of acknowledging who God is must be founded in knowing that God is good ALL the time no matter what! Too many people fall away when they encounter that reality, which suggest that they let go of His hand and grabbed onto what their flesh felt. Whether it is desire or pain that entices such a response, the best defense is to grant God the position to fight the battle for you; for He has already won the battle against such temptation when He walked this earth.

Quickening My Pace

Have you ever wondered why we sometimes feel like a failure when it comes to living a spirit-filled life? Have you ever jumped head first into a downward spiral of feeling completely useless after a particular experience? If so, you are fighting an unnecessary battle that God isn’t apart of. This feeling may come from our need to want to please God and when we fall short of that we allow ourselves to feel condemnation or shame. If this process is felt over and over it has the ability to set our mind on what we think instead of truth, which causes our heart to reject the love that God offers. In order to move forward from any type of failure, whether past or present, we must surrender it all to God. Especially those dark places we wish to hide from Him. Remember, only light can expose darkness for what it really is and the fear of being exposed is usually much greater then it really is in reality.

I often question whether I misinterpret some of my callings from God and therefore stand still instead of obeying. I finally realized that I tell myself that I do this not because I am scarred that He will fail me, but because I am worried that I might fail Him. I would literally say “Well, Lord…are you sure you got the right girl? Now remember all those times I messed up…don’t you want to go with someone who has a better track record?” not fully seeing my own disbelief in His ability to do the impossible. I mean, if in fact He knows the past, present, and future, how can I question what He can accomplish and whom He accomplishes it through?
For a moment, I felt this pressure to feel unworthy again. He has patiently walked hand and hand with me through so much this year; the thought of having unbelief in my heart again almost overwhelmed me. But I suddenly stopped and asked God to give me what I needed to see Him and His truth. It wasn’t instant, but the self-loathing lifted and I was able to see the intention of such negative thoughts. This in itself wasn’t such a new experience because I have seen and felt God’s unexpected peace many times before, but being able recognize the destructiveness early on was a relief. I decided right then and there that just because I have a thought doesn’t mean that I have the right to entertain it. We cause great harm to ourselves and our God-given purpose to serve when we let our insecurity dictate the speed of our steps.

As I understand the reasoning in walking this particular path, which mandates me moving forward only when I step out in faith, I pray for strength to have joy in the mist of waiting for your promise to come into completion. I also ask that you keep me from making any compromises along the way for nothing is worth the risk of missing your intended plan for me, not even one that is parallel.

Forgiveness is like eating…it takes just the right balance to keep us healthy.

When we are hurt, we tend to store up the negatives until they reach a point of irruption. One, me in particular, usually releases them when it really has very little to do with what they are upset about. But non-the less, the fury is felt, and there is clean up to be done. The situation is seen as their fault because they handled the explosion so poorly. So nothing is solved and nothing changes. The cycle continues and the hurtful feelings mound up.

So where do you go from here? Unless one is willing to let the secrets and trash talk lie by swallowing their pride long enough to say there were perhaps wrong, when inside they feel that is only partly true, things remain the same. Can we really forgive when the other party denies their part? Instinctually I would yes because that is what I would presume to be the right answer but my heart reacts differently. It seems easier to march on and keep those hurts bottled up inside then to let them go. But I recently heard someone say “ you can endure much when you realize how much grace you have been given”.

As I have pondered over the application of that thought these past few days I see the value in such a statement. But how do you make that a reality when feelings tend to override the truth? How do you remain in the relationship when these miscommunications still happen? Someone close to me said that people are who they are and we have no persuasion in changing them. I heard Joyce Meyer say that we have to choose to not be offended; that it is less about them and more about us.

So if I take what I know to be truth from the Bible and add it to the information given by the respected speakers who have talked on this matter, then I will get a plate that is rich in love and forgiveness. But in order for the nutrients to satisfy, I have to push away the fried and fatty feelings of self-righteousness and the need to be heard, right? It must be an intentional response that is required daily for me to see the change in my own behavior and response. However, just as any new discipline is created, there will be a need for determination because such change is never easy. Our mind, just like our body, falls back into what feels comfortable. And if we haven’t worked that particular muscle in a while it is out of shape and weak.

So to all those who feel that they need a little encouragement I would like to remind you of David’s words in Psalms:

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. –Psalm139: 13-14 (The Message)

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:24 (New International Version)

Finish what you started in me, GOD.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now. (138:8b- The Message)