Okay, I just did the craziest thing. Well, for me, crazy may not even begin to describe it because my natural tendencies would have been to laugh at such a concept, but my dependence on growth relies directly on my obedience to follow His footsteps ahead and I am quite confident they have lead me here. So no matter what happens from this second forward, I trust that I am here for a reason.
As some may already know, I wore the scarlet letter of disgrace as long as I can remember. This was often an unintentional excuse to remain tucked away in my isolation, which protected me from outside rejection and judgment only to find myself wrestling deeper insecurities that remained hidden within my own heart. As I struggled to be the best I could, I failed in every effort except in realizing that I was a child of God. Although I never felt worthy of His love, much less His purpose, I never questioned whether I was saved or not. God’s compassionate grace entered my heart at the young age of four and I have embraced the fact that He did so to sustain some sanity for years that lied ahead. My self-destructiveness would have crumbled under the strain of my pain if it were not for God’s quiet whispers of love that continued to redirect my wondering soul.
My journey has been one that I am oh so thankful for. I would never wish upon anyone the heartbreak that follows such a path, but I know it happens each and everyday. Pain and sorrow plagues our surroundings so often that it leaves a wake of questions that seem most unanswerable; but my hope is that you will see the truth that He freely offers and the side effect of obediently surrendering all that you are, including those places you wish to hide, to be used for His glory.
Loving Him and receiving His love in return is something I would have claimed came easily, but as these last few years have unfolded, I now understand that you can’t give what you don’t have and you can’t have what you don’t accept. I do not speak of salvation but sanctification. Sitting on this side of the surrenderence equation, I not only see the difference, but I know without a shadow of doubt that being with Him nowhere is better then being without Him anywhere and to my surprise, that nowhere is far better then my dreams could have imagined.
So without further ado, I entered myself a contest posted on Lysa TerKeurst’s web page at http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html where three winners get a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference. This could be a weekend filled with opportunities to strengthen my understanding of the gifts God has given me to something more then I can embrace on my own. Whether my ministry plays out in my own backyard or a grander facility, I am handing over all my inhibitions to see the power that promises to glorify my Father. He has intimately pulled me from the depths of my own pit to allow me the honor to be apart of His plan and even if that scares the bajeebers out of me, how can I say anything but YES, oh yes?
***if interested in information regarding the She Speaks conference, click:
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Holding the Hand that Holds the Universe
“Holding hands may seem an insignificant ‘secret’, but don’t underestimate the power of such a simple, profoundly intimate act. When you take your spouses’ hand you’re communicating, “I’m with you. We’re in this together. I want to be here.” It’s a simple practice in safeguarding your marriage as well, as you’re communicating to the rest of the world, “I’m with him.” (Don’t even try, suckers!)” -Excerpted from The Sexually Confident Wife blog, written by Shannon’s Events Manager, Terrica Smith
This particular passage got me thinking about the same intentional need to be aware of our individual relationship with Christ. Many people stroll through life with the well-intended understanding that they were created for God’s purpose and they offer up what they are when serve Him. But may I press upon you the need for relational intimacy with the Creator. Just as we can physically hold our partner’s hand, we can spiritually hold our Savior’s. He not only gives wisdom and strength to those who believe in Him, but He has the ability to submerge every part of soul into His presence when there is a consistent interaction with Him throughout our day.
It is not really about the “service” we partake in that matters because God is God, and He will accomplish His will with or without us. It is about the process that inspires utter devotion, which allows our desires to align with His. This is not created when we cry out during a storm, but in the quiet and calm moments when we choose to sacrifice that which we inadvertently place above Him. This action is what prompts our willingness to follow Him down what looks to be an impossible path. Whether we are blessed in our obedience or redirected when we are not, God’s plan prompts an open-heart to focus on Him and not the surrounding and ever changing circumstance.
We are powerless to sustain true devotion if our connection to Christ relies on our ability to be useful because it may be in our suffering that He chooses to use us. The perspective of acknowledging who God is must be founded in knowing that God is good ALL the time no matter what! Too many people fall away when they encounter that reality, which suggest that they let go of His hand and grabbed onto what their flesh felt. Whether it is desire or pain that entices such a response, the best defense is to grant God the position to fight the battle for you; for He has already won the battle against such temptation when He walked this earth.
This particular passage got me thinking about the same intentional need to be aware of our individual relationship with Christ. Many people stroll through life with the well-intended understanding that they were created for God’s purpose and they offer up what they are when serve Him. But may I press upon you the need for relational intimacy with the Creator. Just as we can physically hold our partner’s hand, we can spiritually hold our Savior’s. He not only gives wisdom and strength to those who believe in Him, but He has the ability to submerge every part of soul into His presence when there is a consistent interaction with Him throughout our day.
It is not really about the “service” we partake in that matters because God is God, and He will accomplish His will with or without us. It is about the process that inspires utter devotion, which allows our desires to align with His. This is not created when we cry out during a storm, but in the quiet and calm moments when we choose to sacrifice that which we inadvertently place above Him. This action is what prompts our willingness to follow Him down what looks to be an impossible path. Whether we are blessed in our obedience or redirected when we are not, God’s plan prompts an open-heart to focus on Him and not the surrounding and ever changing circumstance.
We are powerless to sustain true devotion if our connection to Christ relies on our ability to be useful because it may be in our suffering that He chooses to use us. The perspective of acknowledging who God is must be founded in knowing that God is good ALL the time no matter what! Too many people fall away when they encounter that reality, which suggest that they let go of His hand and grabbed onto what their flesh felt. Whether it is desire or pain that entices such a response, the best defense is to grant God the position to fight the battle for you; for He has already won the battle against such temptation when He walked this earth.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Quickening My Pace
Have you ever wondered why we sometimes feel like a failure when it comes to living a spirit-filled life? Have you ever jumped head first into a downward spiral of feeling completely useless after a particular experience? If so, you are fighting an unnecessary battle that God isn’t apart of. This feeling may come from our need to want to please God and when we fall short of that we allow ourselves to feel condemnation or shame. If this process is felt over and over it has the ability to set our mind on what we think instead of truth, which causes our heart to reject the love that God offers. In order to move forward from any type of failure, whether past or present, we must surrender it all to God. Especially those dark places we wish to hide from Him. Remember, only light can expose darkness for what it really is and the fear of being exposed is usually much greater then it really is in reality.
I often question whether I misinterpret some of my callings from God and therefore stand still instead of obeying. I finally realized that I tell myself that I do this not because I am scarred that He will fail me, but because I am worried that I might fail Him. I would literally say “Well, Lord…are you sure you got the right girl? Now remember all those times I messed up…don’t you want to go with someone who has a better track record?” not fully seeing my own disbelief in His ability to do the impossible. I mean, if in fact He knows the past, present, and future, how can I question what He can accomplish and whom He accomplishes it through?
For a moment, I felt this pressure to feel unworthy again. He has patiently walked hand and hand with me through so much this year; the thought of having unbelief in my heart again almost overwhelmed me. But I suddenly stopped and asked God to give me what I needed to see Him and His truth. It wasn’t instant, but the self-loathing lifted and I was able to see the intention of such negative thoughts. This in itself wasn’t such a new experience because I have seen and felt God’s unexpected peace many times before, but being able recognize the destructiveness early on was a relief. I decided right then and there that just because I have a thought doesn’t mean that I have the right to entertain it. We cause great harm to ourselves and our God-given purpose to serve when we let our insecurity dictate the speed of our steps.
As I understand the reasoning in walking this particular path, which mandates me moving forward only when I step out in faith, I pray for strength to have joy in the mist of waiting for your promise to come into completion. I also ask that you keep me from making any compromises along the way for nothing is worth the risk of missing your intended plan for me, not even one that is parallel.
I often question whether I misinterpret some of my callings from God and therefore stand still instead of obeying. I finally realized that I tell myself that I do this not because I am scarred that He will fail me, but because I am worried that I might fail Him. I would literally say “Well, Lord…are you sure you got the right girl? Now remember all those times I messed up…don’t you want to go with someone who has a better track record?” not fully seeing my own disbelief in His ability to do the impossible. I mean, if in fact He knows the past, present, and future, how can I question what He can accomplish and whom He accomplishes it through?
For a moment, I felt this pressure to feel unworthy again. He has patiently walked hand and hand with me through so much this year; the thought of having unbelief in my heart again almost overwhelmed me. But I suddenly stopped and asked God to give me what I needed to see Him and His truth. It wasn’t instant, but the self-loathing lifted and I was able to see the intention of such negative thoughts. This in itself wasn’t such a new experience because I have seen and felt God’s unexpected peace many times before, but being able recognize the destructiveness early on was a relief. I decided right then and there that just because I have a thought doesn’t mean that I have the right to entertain it. We cause great harm to ourselves and our God-given purpose to serve when we let our insecurity dictate the speed of our steps.
As I understand the reasoning in walking this particular path, which mandates me moving forward only when I step out in faith, I pray for strength to have joy in the mist of waiting for your promise to come into completion. I also ask that you keep me from making any compromises along the way for nothing is worth the risk of missing your intended plan for me, not even one that is parallel.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Forgiveness is like eating…it takes just the right balance to keep us healthy.
When we are hurt, we tend to store up the negatives until they reach a point of irruption. One, me in particular, usually releases them when it really has very little to do with what they are upset about. But non-the less, the fury is felt, and there is clean up to be done. The situation is seen as their fault because they handled the explosion so poorly. So nothing is solved and nothing changes. The cycle continues and the hurtful feelings mound up.
So where do you go from here? Unless one is willing to let the secrets and trash talk lie by swallowing their pride long enough to say there were perhaps wrong, when inside they feel that is only partly true, things remain the same. Can we really forgive when the other party denies their part? Instinctually I would yes because that is what I would presume to be the right answer but my heart reacts differently. It seems easier to march on and keep those hurts bottled up inside then to let them go. But I recently heard someone say “ you can endure much when you realize how much grace you have been given”.
As I have pondered over the application of that thought these past few days I see the value in such a statement. But how do you make that a reality when feelings tend to override the truth? How do you remain in the relationship when these miscommunications still happen? Someone close to me said that people are who they are and we have no persuasion in changing them. I heard Joyce Meyer say that we have to choose to not be offended; that it is less about them and more about us.
So if I take what I know to be truth from the Bible and add it to the information given by the respected speakers who have talked on this matter, then I will get a plate that is rich in love and forgiveness. But in order for the nutrients to satisfy, I have to push away the fried and fatty feelings of self-righteousness and the need to be heard, right? It must be an intentional response that is required daily for me to see the change in my own behavior and response. However, just as any new discipline is created, there will be a need for determination because such change is never easy. Our mind, just like our body, falls back into what feels comfortable. And if we haven’t worked that particular muscle in a while it is out of shape and weak.
So to all those who feel that they need a little encouragement I would like to remind you of David’s words in Psalms:
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. –Psalm139: 13-14 (The Message)
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:24 (New International Version)
Finish what you started in me, GOD.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now. (138:8b- The Message)
So where do you go from here? Unless one is willing to let the secrets and trash talk lie by swallowing their pride long enough to say there were perhaps wrong, when inside they feel that is only partly true, things remain the same. Can we really forgive when the other party denies their part? Instinctually I would yes because that is what I would presume to be the right answer but my heart reacts differently. It seems easier to march on and keep those hurts bottled up inside then to let them go. But I recently heard someone say “ you can endure much when you realize how much grace you have been given”.
As I have pondered over the application of that thought these past few days I see the value in such a statement. But how do you make that a reality when feelings tend to override the truth? How do you remain in the relationship when these miscommunications still happen? Someone close to me said that people are who they are and we have no persuasion in changing them. I heard Joyce Meyer say that we have to choose to not be offended; that it is less about them and more about us.
So if I take what I know to be truth from the Bible and add it to the information given by the respected speakers who have talked on this matter, then I will get a plate that is rich in love and forgiveness. But in order for the nutrients to satisfy, I have to push away the fried and fatty feelings of self-righteousness and the need to be heard, right? It must be an intentional response that is required daily for me to see the change in my own behavior and response. However, just as any new discipline is created, there will be a need for determination because such change is never easy. Our mind, just like our body, falls back into what feels comfortable. And if we haven’t worked that particular muscle in a while it is out of shape and weak.
So to all those who feel that they need a little encouragement I would like to remind you of David’s words in Psalms:
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. –Psalm139: 13-14 (The Message)
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:24 (New International Version)
Finish what you started in me, GOD.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now. (138:8b- The Message)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Andria’s Top 10 List…
of things I sometimes take for granted and want to recognize and give thanks for NOW.
10) Two working (and paid off) cars
9) Our dog, who protects our family (she’s a Great Pyrenees)
8) A great pediatrician (who gave me his pager number)
7) An honorable school district
6) Beautiful sunsets
5) A best friend who “gets me” (which I fully admit is hard to do)
4) Parents who love me unconditionally (even when they don’t get me)
3) A terrific church home
2) My children’s good overall health (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)
and 1) My husband (who moves beyond a friend, supporter, lover, and confidant into something that my vocabulary cannot explain) I often forget to say thank you for the things you do. Your affection and help have spoiled me and I want you to know that my world truly does revolve around you. You are my better half and I could not have chosen a more perfect mate (for me) if I had searched the entire globe.
So to all these things…I want to give God praises for providing far more then I imagined. I am but one soul that He sees and provides for. I am humbled and honored for the gifts He gives and feel blessed to an over flow.
10) Two working (and paid off) cars
9) Our dog, who protects our family (she’s a Great Pyrenees)
8) A great pediatrician (who gave me his pager number)
7) An honorable school district
6) Beautiful sunsets
5) A best friend who “gets me” (which I fully admit is hard to do)
4) Parents who love me unconditionally (even when they don’t get me)
3) A terrific church home
2) My children’s good overall health (physically, spiritually, and emotionally)
and 1) My husband (who moves beyond a friend, supporter, lover, and confidant into something that my vocabulary cannot explain) I often forget to say thank you for the things you do. Your affection and help have spoiled me and I want you to know that my world truly does revolve around you. You are my better half and I could not have chosen a more perfect mate (for me) if I had searched the entire globe.
So to all these things…I want to give God praises for providing far more then I imagined. I am but one soul that He sees and provides for. I am humbled and honored for the gifts He gives and feel blessed to an over flow.
Friday, January 15, 2010
To Fear Is To Live
The Bible is flowing with scripture that tells us that we should fear the Lord. There is Deut. 6:13: Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. (NIV), 1 Samuel 12: 24 But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (NIV), 2 Chronicles 19:7 Now let the fear of the LORD be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the LORD our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery. (NIV), Luke 12:5 But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. (NIV), Revelation 14:7 He said in a loud voice, "Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water." (NIV) This particular word is written approximately 400 times and additional references made through others. So what does it mean exactly? I have had ideals of this word to only mean: reverence, and awe towards God, but upon farther investigation in The Word and through the Holy Spirit I am understanding it to mean: a sense of impending danger, to be alarmed in such a way to cause a changed course.
In our society today, many rely on the compassionate side of God. They say and do things they know are wrong because they have been taught that we have a kind and forgiving God. And yes that is true, but only to an extent. He is also a just and Holy God and requires that we live a righteous and pure life. In our “outer living” that can only be done part of the time because our actions are intertwined with other people and we are sinful by nature. Therefore it is impossible to remain righteous in action 100%. However, our hearts are to remain pure and focused on God at all times so that the power we pull from comes from the interaction with God and our daily relationship in Him. This will allow us to hear The Spirit more clear when trouble arises and will pull us back when we start to fall. This cannot happen if a life is continually seeking self-motives and ignoring the truths that God has given.
Another term that has recently caught my eye is “hardened hearts”. We see the idea appear in Geneses 4 from Cain after he realized that God wasn’t happy with his offering and in Exodus 17 when the Israelites’ unbelief demanded more. Then there are the disciples that questioned Jesus in Mark 6:52 and again in Mark 8:17. The connections between these two ideas are simple. When we fear the Lord, we rely on the promise that we will not let our hearts harden. He promises to give strength to the weak and protect those who keep His Word. But our part in the process is to believe that we must have complete and total faith in the wrath part of Him as well. He will let our heart be overtaken by our desires if we trust in them more then in Him. The fear is our insurance policy that when sin comes knocking at our door, He will not allow our hearts to become hardened because we are more frightened of the disconnect and the consequences that will come soon after.
God has allowed each of us another day today, which is the perfect opportunity to turn from whatever is coming between a fulfilled life and us. He gave some of His children in scripture the “warning bells” needed to return and seek where they had drifted. Some chose to listen and others allowed the hardened process to continue until they reached their demise. I ask…where are you in this process? Are you tucked safely under His wing or are you drifting in the wind? It is not to late to return now but who knows if you will have another tomorrow. Each will be judge accordingly on their judgment day and all we know for sure is that it is drawing nearer each second we let pass by.
Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 (NIV)
In our society today, many rely on the compassionate side of God. They say and do things they know are wrong because they have been taught that we have a kind and forgiving God. And yes that is true, but only to an extent. He is also a just and Holy God and requires that we live a righteous and pure life. In our “outer living” that can only be done part of the time because our actions are intertwined with other people and we are sinful by nature. Therefore it is impossible to remain righteous in action 100%. However, our hearts are to remain pure and focused on God at all times so that the power we pull from comes from the interaction with God and our daily relationship in Him. This will allow us to hear The Spirit more clear when trouble arises and will pull us back when we start to fall. This cannot happen if a life is continually seeking self-motives and ignoring the truths that God has given.
Another term that has recently caught my eye is “hardened hearts”. We see the idea appear in Geneses 4 from Cain after he realized that God wasn’t happy with his offering and in Exodus 17 when the Israelites’ unbelief demanded more. Then there are the disciples that questioned Jesus in Mark 6:52 and again in Mark 8:17. The connections between these two ideas are simple. When we fear the Lord, we rely on the promise that we will not let our hearts harden. He promises to give strength to the weak and protect those who keep His Word. But our part in the process is to believe that we must have complete and total faith in the wrath part of Him as well. He will let our heart be overtaken by our desires if we trust in them more then in Him. The fear is our insurance policy that when sin comes knocking at our door, He will not allow our hearts to become hardened because we are more frightened of the disconnect and the consequences that will come soon after.
God has allowed each of us another day today, which is the perfect opportunity to turn from whatever is coming between a fulfilled life and us. He gave some of His children in scripture the “warning bells” needed to return and seek where they had drifted. Some chose to listen and others allowed the hardened process to continue until they reached their demise. I ask…where are you in this process? Are you tucked safely under His wing or are you drifting in the wind? It is not to late to return now but who knows if you will have another tomorrow. Each will be judge accordingly on their judgment day and all we know for sure is that it is drawing nearer each second we let pass by.
Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 (NIV)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
It Is Impossible To Not Wake A Sleeping Bear
I am not sure how ready I am to discuss this subject but I believe God is impressing on me the relevance it could potentially have on other women so please bare with me if I fumble through this a bit…
I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.
I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.
If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.
Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.
I suffered from silent depression (or not so silent at times). I think it started relatively young and probably from feeling like I had no control. Without dishing out the everyday details that we all deal with growing up in a broken society I will just say that I was forced to grow up pretty early. Some of my reality came from personal choices and some from experiences beyond anyone’s intention. Needless to say, as a result, no matter how hard I tried I would bounce from “working” on my relationship with God to throwing my hands in the air and saying if I’m going to rebel, I might as well have some fun with it. Thankfully, God’s grace steered me from doing anything to foolish but the impact of my yo-yo cycle left me dry and somewhat self focused. The pain and stress of it all consumed me to a degree that left no room for anything else…especially joy, peace, and happiness.
I like to call this type of living productive depression. Sounds like an oxymoron but in fact it could be just as damaging to one’s soul as any other form of depression. The suffer gets up, does the necessary duties such as care for kids, pay bills, and even interacts with the outside world, but inside they feel like they are living a lie. The shame is that they should be happy. They have all the blessings one could want. “Sure everyone has troubles but why does mine feel like it is sucking the life out of me?” We start to even depend on the impulsions that cover up our issues. Some may shop, clean, or look for control elsewhere. Others may drink, medicate, or experiment with life style changes. All of which will eventually lead them back to feeling hopeless and shameful.
If this is you or someone you know, understand that you are not alone. Most of the ladies I have heard open up over the last year express some of the same heartache. There is help. God provides many avenues to help one find some balance but the true source of healing can come only through Him. He is our maker, our designer, our Father. The compassion He has for hurting people cannot be understood in human knowledge but can be felt through the Holy Spirit. I know…I have experienced it. There is no right answer or quick fix. But I will say that He promises to meet you where you are and He will walk you through it. But you first have to accept His hand that is extended. I never felt worthy of such attention. I think that's why I fought the process so much. I thought I had to fix myself just enough to able to come to Him. But that was impossible. I tried. Oh how I tried. But that anger, that need to control, that pain came bursting through when I least expected it. Then the self-loathing came after such irruption and I was back where I started.
Not so anymore. I am not that woman. God has healed that girl with the most loving touches. And even though He is burning out some of those same instincts through making me walk through the fire, which can bring both tears and laughter, I am learning to cope on His strength which is far stronger then my own.
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